The day of her birth was a revelation. I witnessed my first c-section, my first grandchild, my first realization and understanding that our lives were about to become very different. Up until that time, I had prayed and believed that God would answer our prayers, and He would deliver us, a child that would somehow beat the odds, a child we could keep.
He answered those prayers. He gave us a precious gift. She didn't just live a few hours, a few days, she lived 30 months. Instead of focusing on and despairing in the "OH, why did we ONLY have 30 months?", we immersed ourselves in the time we did have... almost 30 months. Unbelievable.
I ache for people losing children. We have a tendency to believe that we are going to outlive them. Sometimes this is not the case. We have a tendency to believe that every life will continue until we are very old. I think if all people went into a child's life understanding they were a gift from God, (this is harder when they are pre-teens), put into our hands for safekeeping, that no day is handed with certainty, we'd all look at our children a bit differently.
Laynie never had a day that she had a cross face looking at her. She never felt anything but love and encouragement. Can you say that about your kids? I certainly can not. I wish I had had the Laynie kind of love for all my kids, and treated every day as if it were a gift. Life gets in the way, and patience is thin, and problems are there, but if you stay focused on what's really important, that is, living life full out, right in the minute, not waiting for tomorrow to do something, or hoping that cirucmstances will change and become better....make it happen, while it's here. When I hear life is short now, I really, really hear it, because.. life is a blink.
Last year, Laynie had a wonderful June. She danced and laughed and had her sister and aunts here, and had the best month ever. I think we went almost 2 weeks without a tranfusion in June. My favorite memory of late June, is sitting at my mom's house, holding Laynie and her staring so intently at me, then just bellylaughing. Shook from the bottom of her feet all the way to the tip of her 13 hairs. She would look around at everyone else, look back at me as if to say "Oh, it's Lolly" and just bellylaugh again. I cherish, cherish, cherish that memory. (I can't find the picture or it would so be here)
On July 2, she started to fail. As her biggest cheerleader and most ardent ardmirer, I didn't want to hear that. I wanted to think she could push through anything and continue to live. I had given myself the permission to believe we were going to celebrate her 3rd birthday. But like everything else on this earth, it isn't up to me. It's God's plan, and I know that I know that I know, that His plan always works out for the good.. even though, when I'm in the pain of one of His decisions, I don't see it clearly. I have to believe that the good of the plan, will outweigh the pain. It's taken me most of my life to wrap my head around that. I wrote it on every single blog of Laynie's life.... God is good, all the time. Because He is. Perspective is only gained after time, and I've had time to gain mine.
I'm not writing this to be sad, I'm writing this to send out hope. Though she isn't with us physically anymore, we think of her every minute of everyday, and share her gift of life with all. Her story changes lives. Her story gives peace. I can see God's hand clearly in all of it.... and yes, He is good, all the time.
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