It just works better for me.
I'm afraid if I give up the kids God will maybe not bless me as much as He has been blessing me.
There, I said it.
The relationship and the closeness I feel to Him...well.... I don't want that to end.
Is He only blessing me this big because I am following His will for me?
And if I give the kids up to a better home for adoption, will I lose His blessings?
That's pretty "all about me" statements, huh?
When I got into fostering, I thought I would get one child, keep them for a few months, until their parents pulled it together and help bridge the gap and send them home.
I got the whole tamale, and no end in sight for the placement. Most days, I don't let it bother me. It just is what it is, and these kids need love and someone that gives a crap, and I am that person.
But when the rubber meets the road, and you have to start deciding futures and how deep you can go with these lives....it gets serious in a hurry.
I felt so sick today. How in the world do you make a decision like that?
I posted this on facebook, but I am going to share it again, because God speaks through some of the most interesting people to me.
I had a 10 am appointment today with a random call-in at the funeral home. I hadn't sought him out, and we've had trouble connecting to get the appointment. It just so happened that TODAY ended up being the day. As we got to visiting, he told me he was 84 years old, and that he was a retired pastor. Well, the more we talked, the more I liked him. He was a true spirit-filled man. And I sensed that and opened my heart and talked to him.
He listened to my heart about the lovelies. He sat for quite a while, and then he said he had something for me. He went to his office and came back with a small black binder. Inside of it were about 100 handwritten highlighted pages, of his thoughts and interpretations of the verses, "You reap what you sow".
He gently took my hand and looked me in the eye, and said, "Young lady, some people are meant to plant the seeds. Some people are meant to sow them. And even more are meant to reap them". I was trying to follow, and I looked at him, and tried to make a joke about being a brown thumb, and sowing oats was WAY in my past, and understanding all about reaping what I had sown. He smiled at me, and said ever so kindly, "You are a planter. You tilled the soil, and planted the goodness of the seed. You worked the ground that needed to be worked, and set the growing in motion. There is good in that. You've even sown the seed, by reaching out to the other children, and the older sister. You are a planter. There are many people out there that aren't planters, but they are brilliants reapers. Believe that God can take your plant, and find the best reaper in the world for it".
The peace that overcame my heart was instantaneous. I am a planter in these lives. That was always my goal, and I have achieved that goal. I will continue to pour into them and help them sow their dreams, their aspirations and give them as many tools as I can equip them with to make them be ready for their lives.
I am a planter.