Being a Branch

Today when I went to church, and listened to one of our fantastic leaders speak on I am the Vine....it was, as always, perfect timing.

In the spirit of being totally honest here, I have a serious confession.  This past week, I was really considering giving the kids up.

I was in a full blown, burn out, over my head, out of my league, giant Texas sized funk.

I haven't been nice.  I haven't been happy.  I haven't been a branch.

I started focusing on me.  I started looking in the mirror and saying, "Wow, you have a lot on your plate.   Wow, that's a lot for one person to handle.  Wow, I could be so much more free if I just took back my life."

It was ugly, and in being completely transparent, I was completely over it.

I have a special needs preteen, an emotionally needy 9 year old, and a 3 year old I can't understand.

It's beyond crazy.

As I put everyone to bed at 8 pm last night, and pulled my bible out, because I was so emotionally drained, and so needy for some word from God, I read from my devotional and realized I am not alone.

The whole problem was, I've been leaning away from the tree.  I've been so busy with LIFE that I strayed from my constant, from my source of power.  I haven't been reading my bible, I haven't been praying like I used to, and even during the KLOVE fundraiser this last couple of weeks, I've let the radio stray to other stations.

And I lost my way.

You can probably tell by my blogs.  I lost my way.

Today as Sam shared the message, he talked about how he didn't want to foster.  His wife came to him, and mentioned it,  already having 4 kids of their own, he kind of deflected the idea and went on.  Until he was reading in the bible one day, and it hit him like a ton of bricks that he was supposed to do more.

I know that feeling.

I have managed to kick this thing in the face for 6 months now, and roll along with people saying, "How in the world do you do it?  You are crazy.  You are mental.  Have you lost your mind?"

Well, yes, yes I have.  But it's a good kind of crazy. Then I stop and think about it.  I Really am C.A.R.A.Z.Y.  (that's really c-arazy, not just regular crazy). 

Where I struggle and fall short, though, is loving the parents of these children.  I carry a deep, ridiculous anger that I am certain translates to these kids.  And the reality is, they will probably go home.  And I need to be more of a branch when it comes to these parents.  I struggle with a woman that stays with a man that abuses her and her children.  I struggle desperately with that.  I struggle when the children scream out in terror at night, at dreams I can't calm, once they've had to see their parents.  I struggle with a system that can't demand justice from parents that let harm come to their children.  I struggle with all of these things.

But I am a branch.  I have to show love and give shade, and bear fruit for the branches that are growing around me.  I need you all to pray hard for me.  It was brought home how far from the vine I had traveled, and I have to have my vine to stay strong from for this journey I am on.

Please pray for me, as I struggle to be the best branch I can be.