His overwhelming need to please, his precious outlook on life, in spite of all the trauma and pain he had suffered, truly inspired me.
I have had this little love bug for 1550 days. I've watched him blossom and try new things, I've seen him trigger from his nonstop PTSD and just go a bit crazy, and I've watched him melt down over something simple as a TV show. It's all been a bittersweet journey.
He has been in counseling for his trauma most of the time I have had him. We have been peeling layers and layers and still it keeps coming. I won't betray his confidence and share his pain here, but I can tell you that it is layered in him as deep as the bone, and it's taken hard, incredibly painful work to get him slowly to a healthy place.
He won't mind me sharing this with you, because I think it will resonate with so many. I take for granted my pretty normal (whatever that means) childhood. These kids, mainly Steven, went through more than anybody ever, EVER, should have to go through.
And he is coming out swinging. Every time I have a parent teacher conference, I know what they are going to say about him. Any new parent meeting him for the first time, same thing. All his church leaders, all his friend's parents. Everyone loves them some Steven.
Yet he lives mired in pain and anxiety that he is not wanted. Because his son of a bitch father (I don't even feel bad typing or saying that, because I'm pretty sure this dude's picture is by this word in the dictionary) didn't have enough brain span to see what an incredible child he managed to father, and beat him daily.... and gave him up in court without a backwards glance, and terrorized a tiny boy so badly that he started to have panic attacks walking home from school, Steven still feels the loss of not having a father's love. "Lolly, why no one want me?"
And that is the root of everything. So we have been working on this in counseling, and after last week, after a really really hard session....I shared with my friend, who told me that her husband had Steven on his heart for awhile and wanted to take him to a thunder game, did I think he would want to go? Well. Hello. This kid is a walking rainman of stats and can almost tell you every play of every game with his photographic memory.
Here is a picture with the trainer of the Thunder team, and Russell Westbrook signed a hat for Steven.
And he and his friend Kason Kaaiohelo spent a fun filled evening in a SUITE at a thunder game with Jon Evans. And freaking loved it.
My ears were bleeding when I got home with him. He TALKED ALL THE WAY HOME.
It. was. stinking. awesome.
Then yesterday one of his best friends that goes to another school, shows up on our doorstep with his dad and they sweep Steven up to an OU basketball game with them, and again..... thrilled and overwhelmed, he goes to bed speechless.
SO HANG ON PEOPLE, it's about to get Real Good.
Today, at counseling, as we are driving back to school, my precious little son, says to me. .
"Lolly, you know how Pastor Craig is telling us all about Divine Direction at church? It just crazy to me how everything he say (Yes, I'm using his language, because it's perfect) always speak right to my heart. Because, I know that even if my dad here on earth don't love me or want me, that my father up in Heaven love me and want me, because this week, God showed me His face, with Jon. Jon take me to game, and show me how fun it is to be a man, and make me think that I can be a good man too. I know that everything is going to be ok, because God in heaven is watching me everyday."
Well slap my face and call me Shirley, I was a puddle of goop, trying to drive a car.
When I get discouraged and think I'm not doing one thing right for these kids, something like this happens.
And God shows His face. Through friends, phone calls, texts, groceries on my porch, gift cards, He shows His face.
Through friends that love my kids, and treat them to a big night out.
He shows His Face.
Profound moment for my teenager. Some people never know what that means their whole lives. This kid grasped it at 13.
This precious son of mine is going to be a world changer.
Because Steven saw God's face, and he KNOWS how much his Father in heaven wants him and loves him and watches over him....
for God is good, All the time.