Newbie #1 had to go to another home this week because behaviors escalated to the point, that it was far beyond my pay grade.
I breathed a big sigh of relief because 1) Zach was starting to act out 2) Steven was going into depression and 3) I can't spend 12 hours of my day talking this kid off the ledge when there are 5 more that need me just as intensely. BUT then the minute everyone went to bed, sadness and guilt seeped in and I went into my bathroom and had a big old bawl fest.
I feel like I let him down. Yet I feel relief. I feel anxious because will he be cared for? I feel helpless because I didn't know how to even begin to help him or get through to him.
I used my contacts and connections and found him a program that might help hiim, and as of today, I hear he is getting an intake next week. I have offered to drive him EVERY DANG DAY to school because HE NEEDS help.
Lacey helped me through my anguish of feeling inadequate by reminding me how many SKILLS I developed over the course of the month he was here. New tools in my tool belt. God stretching me beyond my wildest dreams on patience and understanding and needs and development.
S T R E T C H I N G G G G G G G GGG
And how I know I am being obedient, my cash coffers were getting low toward the end of the month, and I will be ding dong darned, if 5 minutes after I had inventoried my fridge and pantry, making our lunch and dinner menu... my friend Jill Self Perry drives up in my driveway with GROCERIES FOR DAYYYYYSSSSSSS. I mean. And Thin Mints. For me. In my closet. Secret Stash. Amen.
"God told me to do it". (cue crying into kleenex here)
God is forever faithful.
When you don't think you can take one more step because of the burdens you are carrying, you lean into HIM and let HIM carry you.
With Kip and baby getting ready to take full stage in about 2-3 weeks, I'm going to try and hold off on getting kid #6 in here. I wish beyond reason that Newbie #1 could get some behavior help and come back. I like having siblings together, even if they FIGHT EVERY SECOND ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY. Sibs belong together.
So we will see what God has in store. It's always interesting. Newbie #3 has a 9 month old brother (she's 10) and I told caseworker that he could come over and have overnights if his foster family ever felt comfortable about it.
Now don't go thinking I am going to lose my mind and get a baby, because NO that's not going to happen, but I'm in the business of health and healing, and if snuggling with your baby brother one whole night puts this little girl to rest(that has stolen my heart OUT OF MY BODY)and help her find her happy smile, then I will put aside my sleeping need for one night every month or so, and let the good times roll.
It's just sleep. What's that all about.
And in other EXCITING NEWS.
and to a FRIEND! She will tell you it's just one step short of amazing, but I will tell you it is ALL GOD AND that I have a FRIEND next door to my mom, and any worrying I ever had going on is GONE. And my friend is ridiculously OVER THE MOON about ADULTING and buying her first home, and it's just a WOW EE MAN awesome good feeling.
April 13, Friday the 13th this year is going to be a very very good day.
God is faithful, He is present. And He Is Good. Even when we are Sad.
All the time.