Living the Dream

Living the Dream

Wednesday, November 30, 2016


It has been all over facebook.

"Post this and raise awareness of the suicide hotline".

It's that time of year again, when the holidays are full of cheer for many, and full of sadness and despair for others.

This time last year, I blogged about a man that came in to the funeral home and wrote his cremation, fully intending to go home and take his life.  This year, he is alive and well and living his life in Stillwater.

God's hands.

Three years back, someone very close to me, was on the verge of taking their life.  No hope, no way out, just a black pit of despair.   Fast forward three years, a new season, a new hope, life is better than ever.

God's hands.

I'm here to tell you people, depression is real and prosperous.  Children taking their lives, or attempting to take their lives, because LIFE is so hard and they feel there is NO PLACE For them.  It makes me so sad.

I stand before you a broken human.  This may shock a bunch of you, especially newer friends, but I am not the person you think I am.  I am a broken, lost and sinning mess.  And that's just on Monday morning.  I rally on Tuesday, and spiral on Wednesday, and as Friday gets closer, I rally again, and by Sunday morning, I am off and running, straight into the house of my Lord.

I am making light of this, because "Christians" are so labeled as "Saints" and "Holier than THou".  I am known to throw a cuss word in for good measure usually at least once a day.  You Don't have to be HOLY, for your God to love you.  This is where so many of my friends get caught up...."I'm not worthy of God's love"  "I have screwed up too many times"   "He could never forgive me of the things I've done" and on and on until you are mired in a pit of despair.

I had the pleasure of keeping Deaton this past weekend while his mom took a very deserved weekend ladies retreat.  He is 18 months old now, and so full of piss and vinegar that you can smell him across the room.  He is a mess.  He is precious.  He is all boy and so full of energy, that I needed a nap almost every hour on the hour to keep up with his antics.

In 36 hours he had pulled the dog's tail so many times that she ran when she saw him, he punched Steven in the man parts,  he bit me three times, he threw his blocks at Gina and whammed her in the face, he fell off the chair and landed upsidedown in his VW toy, he blew food at me, landing on my glasses, he knocked the spoon out of my hand, he pooped through so many diapers (post-Thanksgiving blowout), and he napped the whole of 2 hours, and lastly but certainly not least, he punched me straight in the nose and almost cold-cocked me.

Did any of that make me love him less?  No MATTER WHAT he did, I loved him.  I love him with such unending grace, it makes my head spin.  (none of you will get this until you acquire grandchildren, even your own children won't inspire this patience).  And today as I was taking Zach to school, a song came on the radio called "Tell Me" by Carrollton and it made me weep with joy.

God Loves You.  People, you need NO ONE Else.  No one needs to fill your love tank but Jesus.  Instead of blaming Him for everything wrong in your life, switch it up, and try running to Him for comfort.   God loves You as much as I love Deaton, even with your flaws, and your screw-ups, there isn't anything He doesn't love about you.

When I came out of church on Sunday, Tyler had Deaton in the lobby and he was running around (let me clarify here: Deaton was running, not gimpy still limping, but in two shoes, Tyler) and when DeeDee saw me, he lit up like a Christmas tree on steroids, and ran as fast as he could into my arms.  Did I think about how many times he had messed up the day before??  No, I scooped him up and loved him as hard as I could.

Here's a thought, WHAT IF WE ALL FELT THAT WAY ABOUT JESUS?  It is ABSOLUTELY the way he feels about you.....He doesn't remember what you did yesterday, He loves you in the HERE and NOW.  Just think, There would be no more suicides, there would be no more self inflicted pain.....there would only be  unending joy.

Life is so freaking messy.  There is so much pain and crap to deal with.  Instead of blaming God for all of it....try running into His arms for His love.

It will be all you need.

Simple steps to begin a new relationship with God.

 -Turn on worship music in your car.  KLOVE, or AIR1 are perfect starts.  Pour positive into your life.

-Find a Lifechurch, or a church you feel so comfortable in, you can't wait to get there to worship.

-Get a Bible, and dive into Matthew.  It's the perfect time of year, the first four books of the new testament are all about Jesus's birth, and it's just groovy that it times it out that way.

-Talk to God all day.  To help you remember at first, everytime you send a text message to someone, send up a prayer of thanks for one thing.  Before you know it, you will be talking to him practically all day.  (I know His ears ring with my praises and requests)

Just start with those four things and watch something wonderful happen in your life.

Every single one of us is born with spiritual gifts.  Yours might be helping at church, wrangling kids in the nursery  Some of you foster pets, and love animals, and give them shelter.  You might tutor kids in an inner city YMCA, and pour hope into children that don't have any way of learning except for what you give them that one hour a week.  You might volunteer at the Food Bank, or wave to people as they drive in to church.  Some are simply stay at home moms, doing everything they can to keep the home fires burning.   Everyone is born with a gift.  Every gift is unique.

Maybe your gift is sharing a blog from an oldish woman with your friends and reaching one person that is hurting.

It all begins with you.  Mixing it up and doing it different.

Be bold.  He is just waiting there, loving you with all of his heart, watching you blow and go, waiting for you to turn around and jump into His loving arms.

GO jump ---  what are you waiting for?

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Finding your Why

I haven't written much about the Lovelies in a while.  Because, has been pretty normal.

Then as I grow more and more impatient, and want a seemingly "normal" life for myself, I find myself growing dissatisfied and edgy.  Nobody can do anything right, and I'm basically a bear in a bra.  

Just being real.  

Today was no exception.  For some reason, Big sis has showed back up, (oh wait, let me think a minute, HELLO, it's almost Christmas) and is flexing her big sister muscle and guilting everyone into needing to see each other. 

It has gotten so bad, we took it to the counselor this morning, and I found myself under the tires of the bus....

and it went downhill from there.  

After being talked off the ledge by my bud Michelle, then Lacey and finally, Ray (you all know who you are).... I felt a giant burden lifted.  Who needs therapy when you got those kind of friends???? I mean, really.  

Here is the deal, and this is a big one for those of you that are considering fostering or have taken the plunge yourself, or even if you are 4 years in (like moi) matter how "normal" things can look on the outside, there is ALWAYS something just under the surface waiting to rear it's ugly head.  


For me it's the trauma of family visits.  I know they are a necessary evil, and tonight (after taking a solid 12 hours to process and find my words), I sat the kids down and had a pow wow about what was prompting the need to visit, and really making them explain to me what was making this so important to them.  

1 and 1 half hour later, a box of kleenex, a whole lot of soul searching later, we finally found some answers.  Calmly, lovingly and with everyone's feelings taken into account.  

These kids have been through trauma that most of us, even as adults, have never experienced.  My heart broke again tonight, as Steven shakingly asks me, "Lolly will we ever get over PTSD? will that ever stop?"   Just. Shut. The. Door.  

And hide my guns.  Makes me want to go hunt down that sorry dirtbag that did harm to him.  

But for tonight, we have peace and harmony in the home again.  Restored.  What has finally soaked into me again, is anytime I start to question my sanity, and start any sentence with a "I'm ....... or "I"..... it's not going to be a pretty picture.  There is no I in Team Jesusrocksyourlife, and you caregivers and foster parentals.....When you start focusing on "I", you run the risk of becoming so self involved, you alienate your kids.  

Trust me, If I had my way, and I liked wine, I would head in from work, throw sandwiches at all of them, open a bottle of wine, grab a red solo cup, and be in a my room with the door shut until morning.  My introvert tendencies ramp up the closer I get to parking the car in the garage every night, and I'm ready to shed my extrovert exterior and go hide in the closet and speak to no one and nothing until the next day when I put my extrovert back on and head out the door.  Transparency, friends.  I'm a closet introvert.  Soak that in.

BUT, I have little people in this house that keep me grounded and unfocused on ME about 23.5 hours each day.  And that is a good thing.

When I hear people whining about their lives and how in the world are they ever going to live in a world with Trump leading, I'm like......."go work in a kid's shelter and walk in their shoes 1 day.  Just one day, and you won't be worrying about your nails and if you need the newest, nicest, latest pair of shoes, and what sunglasses are trending, or how many likes you got on your instagram. "  

Forget your I, and you will find your "why".  Why God put you here and how HE will lead you.  

Even though it's hard and messy and sometimes oh so monotonous, The WHY is all you need.  


Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Election 2016

Back when Donald Trump announced he would run for President, I just laughed to myself.  "That's HILARIOUS", I thought, finishing the thought with a "You're FIRED" (hand gesture included).

As he gained more and more momentum, and most of my family backing him (my brother, "Washington needs an enema"), and all the negative press surrounding him, and Hillary's nose growing on national tv, I found myself between the proverbial "rock" and the "hard spot".  Who to vote for?

I was a registered Democrat at 18.  (just like my daddy) As I grew older I found myself voting Republican more than Democrat.  So at midlife, I switched my party affliation, but still voted for whomever I believe to be the best candidate.  (Never met a democrat I didn't like)

My facebook BLEW UP last night with hate.  HATE HATE HATE.


Friends, it doesn't matter who sits in the white house.... our GOD is supremely in control.  For the record, I was one of those hillbilly, uneducated white folk that was insanely dumb enough to vote for Donald Trump.

My kid, my own love and flesh, is entering the military in July of next year, and will most likely spend a great majority of her life, in the military.  No way, no how could I vote for the candidate who could care less about military spending.  No way.

Plus, the media needs an enema.  I've been exposed to a media bias here in Norman, with Hallie in volleyball.  The local paper here is pro Norman High.  Always has been, always will be. I watched us almost win state and barely got a nod of recognition from those jack asses.  (sorry, media ticks me off), but when we lost, HEADLINEs of the loss with a picture of our team standing there crying.   What the Heck.  So I understand media bias.  And Donald Trump?  He became media fodder.  Is he perfect?  Oh for the love of heck, No.   Is he a dork in front of the camera?  Oh Heck yes he is.  But what rings true to me, was his insistence on taking down the career politicians that hold this country in their grips.  And he doesn't mince words.  Period.  What you see is what you get.  I remember my brother telling me the enema analogy, and me asking him back,  "Yeah, but I just don't want the whole USA to take the enema".  So enough about enemas.   Trump is president.  We have brought reality tv into the white house.

Let's take it like the champions we are, and see what happens.

What concerns me most, was one of the local state questions.  I wanted teachers to get raises.  Period.  God knows I have voted for the lottery, paramutual betting, liquor by the drink, everything Oklahoma promised to put in the teachers pockets.  Nary a one helped our teachers.  

So I have an idea.  They were going to get $5000 a year raise.  After taxes, that would be about $3500 (being generous).  Every single teacher in Oklahoma has at least 25-30 kids they handle (middle and high schoolers, more).   If everyone could rally and support their teachers this Christmas with $100 visa gift cards,  WE THE PEOPLE could handle their deficit and give them their raises.   We were all going to take tax hits of almost $500 a year passing this bill.  Most families have 2-5 kids.  $100 per teacher is still less than the tax we would pay.   We pay NOTHING for public school.  There is no tuition.  LET's FREAKING TAKE CARE OF OUR TEACHERS.  We said NO to the government of oklahoma handling it, SO the PEOPLE that SEND their kids every single day to school, need to step the heck up.    SUPPORT YOUR TEACHERS.

I remember those first months with the "lovelies".  Christmas was on me, with barely 6 weeks in with them.  I was SHOWERED with insane love that first year.  Gift cards, christmas presents, money...insane!   The second year...same thing.  This year, more on my feet, able to breathe, finding a rhythm, I know how lifechanging it was for me to have those gift cards drop from heaven.  Saved my bacon.   SUPPORT YOUR TEACHERS.   I know most middle school/high school students have 6-7 teachers in a day (impossible to cover all of them).  Pick one- pick two, but EVERYONE has to do it to make it work.  We can fix this problem ourselves.   LOVE ONE ANOTHER.  SUPPORT the teachers that spend more time with our KIDS than we DO!  

Anyway, dang.  I may need to run for freaking office.   I've got a sketchy past I'm not proud of, and really awkward in front of a camera.  I could have a career.

Support a teacher this Christmas.  Rock their worlds.