Finding your Why

I haven't written much about the Lovelies in a while.  Because, well.....life has been pretty normal.

Then as I grow more and more impatient, and want a seemingly "normal" life for myself, I find myself growing dissatisfied and edgy.  Nobody can do anything right, and I'm basically a bear in a bra.  

Just being real.  

Today was no exception.  For some reason, Big sis has showed back up, (oh wait, let me think a minute, HELLO, it's almost Christmas) and is flexing her big sister muscle and guilting everyone into needing to see each other. 

It has gotten so bad, we took it to the counselor this morning, and I found myself under the tires of the bus....

and it went downhill from there.  

After being talked off the ledge by my bud Michelle, then Lacey and finally, Ray (you all know who you are).... I felt a giant burden lifted.  Who needs therapy when you got those kind of friends???? I mean, really.  

Here is the deal, and this is a big one for those of you that are considering fostering or have taken the plunge yourself, or even if you are 4 years in (like moi)..........no matter how "normal" things can look on the outside, there is ALWAYS something just under the surface waiting to rear it's ugly head.  

Always.   

For me it's the trauma of family visits.  I know they are a necessary evil, and tonight (after taking a solid 12 hours to process and find my words), I sat the kids down and had a pow wow about what was prompting the need to visit, and really making them explain to me what was making this so important to them.  

1 and 1 half hour later, a box of kleenex, a whole lot of soul searching later, we finally found some answers.  Calmly, lovingly and with everyone's feelings taken into account.  

These kids have been through trauma that most of us, even as adults, have never experienced.  My heart broke again tonight, as Steven shakingly asks me, "Lolly will we ever get over PTSD? will that ever stop?"   Just. Shut. The. Door.  

And hide my guns.  Makes me want to go hunt down that sorry dirtbag that did harm to him.  

But for tonight, we have peace and harmony in the home again.  Restored.  What has finally soaked into me again, is anytime I start to question my sanity, and start any sentence with a "I'm ....... or "I"..... it's not going to be a pretty picture.  There is no I in Team Jesusrocksyourlife, and you caregivers and foster parentals.....When you start focusing on "I", you run the risk of becoming so self involved, you alienate your kids.  

Trust me, If I had my way, and I liked wine, I would head in from work, throw sandwiches at all of them, open a bottle of wine, grab a red solo cup, and be in a my room with the door shut until morning.  My introvert tendencies ramp up the closer I get to parking the car in the garage every night, and I'm ready to shed my extrovert exterior and go hide in the closet and speak to no one and nothing until the next day when I put my extrovert back on and head out the door.  Transparency, friends.  I'm a closet introvert.  Soak that in.

BUT, I have little people in this house that keep me grounded and unfocused on ME about 23.5 hours each day.  And that is a good thing.

When I hear people whining about their lives and how in the world are they ever going to live in a world with Trump leading, I'm like......."go work in a kid's shelter and walk in their shoes 1 day.  Just one day, and you won't be worrying about your nails and if you need the newest, nicest, latest pair of shoes, and what sunglasses are trending, or how many likes you got on your instagram. "  

Forget your I, and you will find your "why".  Why God put you here and how HE will lead you.  

Even though it's hard and messy and sometimes oh so monotonous, The WHY is all you need.