Hallie turns 21

Steven got his driving permit today and it just rocked my world.

However, looking at the calendar, I realize my baby is turning 21 on September 11.

HOW

In

THE

WORLD????

You should be this size.   Sseriously.   You  WERE  JUST 11.

Mommies out there, please hear me.  DO NOT STRESS the small stuff (and it's all small stuff) you turn around 14 times and your snarky pre-teen is a junior at West Point. 

Hallie is funny.   She will knock you on the floor with her quick wit.   She can talk the ears off a chicken.  I've told her since she was a kid that she needs to be a lawyer, because she is the most keen negotiator and can usually get exactly what she wants by presenting her case and walking away with the win.  :)   This is not a fun trait in a kid in middle school and high school, because it's exhausting as a parent, trying to negotiate with a tiny terrorist, however, WOW, what amazing adults they become.    

She has a deep empathy and love for people, because of what she experienced with Laynie, what she got to experience when we served on our mission trip to Haiti, she has boundless empathy and love, which makes her the most loyal and faithful of friends.  Quick to forgive, quick to love, this girl has endless capacity.  

I wish she could see what I see.  I wish I could pump all my faith I have in her, into her and she would just KNOW how incredibly awesome she is.  

She is flourishing in adversity, and finding her identity outside of volleyball.  She left the team last spring, chronically being injured and ill finally taking it's ultimate toll.  For someone that had their entire identity wrapped in something, it's been humbling and inspiring to watch her walk the path of finding her true self.  She loves Jesus, she loves her family, she loves her friends.  

I'm so proud of the beautiful young woman, who is legally an "adult" now, which means all her buddies are going to go with her to the club at West Point, and order her a drink.  WHEEEEEEE.  However, I'm not even worried, because this girl has her crap together.  She can wrestle a man, she can shoot a weapon, she is a tone, fit beast of a girl.   

And she's mine.  The light of my life, my mid life shocker, that I can't even imagine a life without

my beautiful baby girl.... 

Meanwhile at West Point

I have been learning so much in this military journey we are on.  

West Point allows cadets two years to decide if this life is for them.  Basically a "Trial Run" if you will.  

The first week of their junior year they have to "Affirm" their commitment to the Army and basically give two more years of their life at the academy and then commit 5 years of service, after they graduate.  

The week leading up to affirmation was grueling for Hallie, I'm not going to lie.  The devil attacked her from all directions, and we had to quote scriptures and pray without ceasing for her that entire week.  

Affirmation was a closed event and I got sketchy pictures throughout the evening, basically stealing from everyone.

Waiting to affirm their commitment.

I found this on Delta Battery's instagram page.  Forever the photographer.  Dang she is skinny, has lost about 30 pounds.  

The neat coin they got 

This summer, the squad she led.  

Someone asked me about the pin Hallie is wearing in her picture with Nick.  That's her National Defense Medal that Lacey pinned on her during Plebe Parent Weekend.  She poo-poo's it like it's a "Participation Medal" that "Everyone" gets, and I'm like.   Well I know about 357 million people in the united states that DON'T have one.   Well I don't "know" them, but you know what I mean.

I'm so proud of this girl.  She is fearlessly letting God lead her through this journey.  She called me with plans to do scuba (what?), join the bowling team (LOLOLOLOL), and is doing Combative Fighting this 6 weeks, and being down in weight, they can flip her like a pancake.  She still has a lot of strength in her legs so she is counting on that to keep her doing well.  She had to fight a dude that outweighed her about 50 pounds, and managed to get her leg around him and flip him over.   ("it was not much fun fighting that guy with his junk all up in my face")  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  

This gorgeous girl is halfway through her journey at West Point.  

I know she has had her challenges (SO MANY CHALLENGES) but she is truly my hero.  She attempts to be a light and a positive influence and I'm so proud of her and the path she is forging for herself.  

I'm going to sneak out to NYC next weekend, (over Labor Day) and go see her.  She's about to be 21 and I can't.even.handle.the.thought.of.my.baby.being.21.    For the Love. 

People.  Don't blink.  Your babies grow up and become leaders in the military.  I just can't handle all the things.  

Plebe year.  

Gorgeous girl with her best friend Nick.  

Everyone continue to pray for this girl and her journey.  She's bowling, fighting, studying, and taking it one day at a time.   I'm so proud of her and love her to the moon and beyond.  

Keep on Singing

You know you heard some good preachin' when a full two days after hearing it, you are still resonating it in your brain.

I get to hear a LOT of stories at my job.  I hear about kids, and problems, and siblings, and problems, and spouses, and problems, and sadness of loss and just am privileged to be a listening ear to all kinds of people. 

I think I am more tuned into anxiety and worry right now, because of the message series at church. 

I remember back when I was a fledgling Christian, I always made excuses why I didn't need to read the bible.  "none of that applies anymore",  "It's too hard to understand"  "who cares about a bunch of old stories?'  I used them all. 

All the excuses.

Even when I was marching into a church every weekend, playing the piano, going through the motions of a church goer, I didn't "get" it. 

Then something happened so overwhelming, that there was no where to turn but to Jesus.  Thank the Lord I had been attending LifeChurch a few years before Laynie came into the picture, because from the fledgling Christian I was back in the day, I had started receiving 'Heart knowledge" instead of just the head knowledge.  I wanted to know the stories and understand how to receive them.  I knew God was a God of love and forgiveness and I wanted to know more. 

Paul has been my favorite thing to really dive into and understand in the bible.  Here was this man, a GINORMUS sinner, after some miraculous healing, decided to follow Jesus.  And I mean, throw down his own life, and follow Jesus.  He goes to a city to try to start preaching his love of Jesus to others, and gets THROWN in PRISON, yo.  THROWN IN PRISON. 

Now I don't know about you, but I don't even like staying in a bad hotel for one night, much less a prison.  But ole Paul doesn't let the fact that he's in prison stop him.  He is chained to guards, so guess what he does?  Starts preaching to the guards.  I mean, you gotta talk to someone when you're holed up in prison, right? 

Paul had the best perspective of anyone in the bible for me.  This man went THROUGH it now, and never stopped loving or doubting Jesus.  EVER.   Did he have reason to?  Could he have?  I believe so.  But Paul never did.   You know what he did?  Did he scream to the heavens the injustice of the reason for being there?  Did he rail against God for being unfair?   Nope.

Paul sang.  He raised his voice in song and sang his praises to God. 

Holy Moly.  I know that's the first thing that comes to mind for me when I'm in a pickle.  (Where is the sarcasm font when you need it?)

I drive back and forth to Stillwater everyday now to work.  This is my thinking time, and I love it.  It's also my music time and I found a Mercy Me album (undone) that I wore out, back in the day.   The last song on the cd is the song "Keep Singing".  It never made it big, but it is absolutely my most favorite song on the album. 

When Deaton gets disregulated and spins out, usually the thing that will quiet him the fastest, is to take him in my arms and just hold him quietly in my lap.  If he's really spinning out, he will fight me so hard when I try to pick him up, and it may take several minutes to get him to mellow out.  Sometimes he just keeps fighting me, and I have to relinquish and let him run in circles some more, but I am always there, keeping watch on him,  LOVING HIM SO MUCH, despite his crazy antics and longing for him just to slow down for one minute, so I can take him in my lap and just love him and let him know how much he truly is loved. 

It hit me driving today that's how God views us.  Nothing we can do makes HIM love us less.  Nothing.  We can be just as wound up as a yo yo and doing some of the most ridiculous things in the world, and He is just patiently waiting for us to slow it down and jump up in His lap and let Him love us.  Where we are,  the way we are, beautifully broken. 

In this song, the lyrics say,  "Let me climb up in your lap, I don't want to leave.  Jesus, sing over me" and that is such a powerful line for me.   When I was listening to this song on repeat, was right after we lost Laynie, and I was lost.  I would lay in bed at night and this song would spin in my head and I would close my eyes and picture myself crawling in God's lap, and Him stroking my head and loving me.... and it got me through the worst of the pain. 

God is there, He wants you in His lap.  I hope this song resonates with you like it did me.  I hope you know how cherished and loved you are.  Just slow down and let Him hold you. 

A stroll down memory lane

Several things I want to chronicle, more for the family archives of the blog than for actual reading. 

My family being together, all of us, in one big pile of people, happens less and less now.  I managed to get all my kids here the first week of August, and it was just maybe the happiest I have felt in a long long time.  

I had bought Lacey, Hallie and I, the musical, Hamilton tickets for Wed night.  I didn't realize Kip would be here, so I jumped right back on the site and hurried and got a seat super close to the three I had bought, clicked  "Buy" and then realized it was the ENTIRE NIGHT BEFORE.  So not only could I go sit by myself, it would be on a night NO ONE else would go with me.   So Yay for quick fingers on the website and not reading all the fine print.   So one more ticket later, on the right night, even farther away from the big three, we got 'er done.   

I was very discombobulated at Hamilton.   For one thing, Thomas Jefferson was black.  Which threw me for a loop because I don't remember him being black on the money I carry.  And the whole play was RAP.  And WORDS.  Holy Lord on High in the Heavens, ALL.  The.  Words.  

But once I relaxed and decided that it's ok to rap in Civic Center music hall, in a play with a black Thomas Jefferson, I became more and more enchanted.  The choreography was just magical, the moving stage, and the effortless way the entire cast just made it work.  Seriously just a work of genius.   Now, my mama would have HATED it with a capital Hate, and it really is NOT for everyone, but for me and my girls?  Winner winner chicken dinner.  

Before we went to Hamilton, we met the wonderful Trish Scott of Sweetberry Photography and had family pictures made, because, hey, it's what I make us do.  Every.  Time.   Because everyone is changing fast.   Just for fun let's look back over the years.  

2012

I had just gotten the 3rd grade Steven and the 6th grade Gina.  I had had them about 4 weeks at this picture.  They were 8 and 11.    Didn't know what to do with G's hair, and didn't realize Steven needed glasses.  Remember, "Oh, it ok, lolly, I only need them to see".  

2013

It's crazy what one small year will do to a family.   We got another tiny vietnamese boy, and added one son in law (Tyler) and was in the process in this picture, of adding a second one, Brandon.  

2014

This year we officially added Brandon in the family in April, and that fall, while Deaton was still cooking inside his mama, we took the last pictures without any grandbabies.   Zachary held the "youngest" in the family spot, and we were all excitedly awaiting the new grandbaby, Deaton.

2015

Thrilled to have baby Deaton in hand, and thought it would be fun to take pictures on a rock.  They did turn out pretty special though.  

2016

Took some fun pictures downtown Shawnee at the Rock Island Depot.  Enjoying that little Deaton, who was just over a year old.  

2017

Hallie graduated high school, our last fun family vacay in Destin before she headed off to West Point.  In the picture, but not visible is the boot she acquired after falling down the stairs leading to the beach and breaking her big toe, 4 weeks before she was to show up for beast.  We're still smiling, though.  That really was a fun time, all except that emergency room visit.  

 2018

2018 found Dawson born, my first grandson from Kip and Brandon, and Deaton a solid 3 years old.  The kids and I had moved to the ranch, and I had acquired a few extra kids for the pictures.  Didn't think to take pics of the core group, so this is our memory of 2018.  

and These.....

So, of course, when everyone was home this summer......

 You better believed I took full advantage.  Now we've added Jackson (10 months) and Dawson is 15 months old and full of dimples and personality.

In Dawson's defense, he does really like me.  It was a million degrees and he was OVER taking pictures.  Jackson is looking at him like, "Dude, pull yourself together man".  I adore my tiny men.  

 Cracker Jack is 10 months old.  He is long and skinny and so chill.  He takes his time doing anything because I like to think he is pondering the consequences.  He's very thoughtful and takes a minute to decide his next course of action (unlike his brother, who speeds through the day, knocking down everything in his path. total boy)  His eyelashes are like spiderwebs they are so long and gorgeous.  His eyes are turning brown, like mama's, and he prefers her over every one else.  He will tolerate me, and he does love his daddy, and brother makes him laugh the hardest, but when it all comes down to it, right in his mama's arms is where he is his happiest.

This little dimpled darling, is the most relaxed and calm child.  He imitates his mom and dad, and will eat everything not nailed down.  I was so amazed at the food he would eat.  EVERYTHING, except that tiny tomato that got put on his plate by accident and, Dawson, thinking it was a watermelon, grabbed it up, gobbled it in and almost immediately spit it across the table, like "Who dare ruin my meal with this gross tomato?  WHO? "   He is happy 97% of the time and is on a schedule that I stand in awe of, and is really the sweetest, little sunshine love.  

#1 grandson, Deaton is now in Pre-K.  I just can't even at this time.  I mean, WHAT!?

I'm serious as a heart attack that I will most likely need therapy when he starts losing his baby teeth and acquiring the giant adult teeth.  I need him to stay small for a while longer.  He is a corker of the highest magnitude.  He has sass and attitude and I just adore the stuffing out of him.  Now his mama says, "Jesus take the wheel" about every 15 minutes of the day with him, and Lord on high this kid wants to eat EVERY SECOND of the day, but I love every single ornery, contrary thing about him.  His Lols is his #1, #2 and #3 fan in the entire world, and I will always have his back.  At church on Sunday, I was holding his hand to go fetch him a donut (of course) and he held our hands with his other hand, and threw out to me as we were making our way to the donut table,  "I just love ya, lols".

That goes double for you, kiddo.  

I absolutely LOVE my family, my life and this journey.  What a miraculous time . 

Blessed and highly favored.....that is us.  

And another fun fact:  when I recently moved, I will have you know that I thanked my clothes prior to 2016 for their service, told them they sparked joy in their day and sent them to good will.  Growth baby.   Growth.  

Be Anxious for Nothing.....

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of anxiety, to say the least.

Deciding and moving, literally in three weeks.

Moving Gina to college.

Finding a school for the boys.

Packing/Unpacking, cleaning, moving, SWEATING EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THREE WEEKS.

Last Wednesday, I decided I wasn't going to do another thing that required sweat on my part for the rest of the month of August.   I seriously have NEVER SWEAT so much in my life as I have the last few weeks.   And I'm not a person that looks gloriously glowing when I sweat, I look like I've been through the wringer and it drips off my nose.

Not one inch of pretty anywhere in sight.

But now that I'm somewhat organized (heavy on the somewhat) and moved in .....HOLY MOLY I'm back in Shawnee!

I can leave my house and be at sonic in 4 minutes. 

4 minutes, people.

I can buy food at an ALDI (WHICH I ADORE) and be back at my house in under 10 minutes.  Now that may be stretching it, because as is turns out, everyone in Shawnee ALSO loves Aldi and usually is in there while I am in there, so it's always a full out - full aisle of people every aisle type experience.   And even though they are overwhelmingly busy, there are two people that work there.  TWO.   So what should take 4 minutes of running in and running home can eek into a 20-25 minute standing -in - line experience.

ANXIETY.   STRESS.

Now, if you think I'm serious, I'm not.  But I am super serious about the topic we have been unpacking a church for the last few weeks.

Lacey and Tyler recently got new ink that is pretty much their family mantra.

"There is purpose in the pain"

We've been talking about ANXIETY at church, and I get bombarded, pretty much on the daily for prayer.  I need prayer for this, for that, for the other.  People know I like to pray and I'm a heavy duty prayer warrior, so I get a bunch of requests during the day.  And I honor and adore them.  Keep them coming.

However.....it's easy to get in a spin cycle (if you will) of worry and anxiety.  Hallie has been in one for over a week.  I don't think there is anything more stressful for me than to have a kid in a spin cycle.  Our parental instinct is to step in and fix, but then you realize they are dang near 21 and IN THE ARMY and can and should figure out stuff for themselves.   So you listen, and you pray, and you listen and you pray and you listen and you pray.   And pray that they pray as well and listen to hear that holy spirit prompting them.

Our pastor has been through some stuff recently, and he was so raw and genuine at church this weekend, it moved me.  (as always)  He is in counseling for anxiety.  And he is preaching on anxiety.  DO you think that comes from a more personal, more intimate place for him?  It's right where he is living, daily.  We think of our pastors as these men of God that can't fall down or feel anxious or worry.  He is standing in front of literally thousands of people, telling them, 'Yeah, I'm anxious, and the only way through it is through God". 

I hear some of you scoffing.  Yeah, God got me through it all right.  He TOOK EVERYTHING AWAY... MY LIFE IS RUINED..... MY KID IS GONE ....  I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN SO MUCH PAIN..... MY HEALTH IS FAILING......  He hears ALL those things. 

Can he change the path of some of these things?  Yes, I believe He has the power to do it.   Will he change the path of some of these things?  Yes I believe He can, but it's in HIS TIME. 

Pastor Craig realized about third sermon in that he would have never been vulnerable and preached on a sermon about ANXIETY unless He himself had to walk that struggle himself.  He said yesterday, more people have reached out to him and told him what a difference this series is making for them, than he has heard from in years. 

You Have To Walk Through the Pain, to get to the other side.  You can't short cut it, you can't stop it, you can't fast foward it.   YOU HAVE to walk through all of it. 

Laynie taught us that full well.  When we were in the trenches, we didn't see the other side,  we only saw the pain and the struggle and the hurting.  BUT WE CHOSE to change our perspective on that and SEE and LIVE the Joy, the WONDER, the Grace that we were given in those special, anointed thirty months of God's mercy. 

We could have wasted so much of that precious time doubting God and asking WHY GOD?, but instead we embraced what was given and lived it....FULL OUT.

We had to live in the verse "BE anxious for NOTHING, BUT IN EVERY SITUATION (every single one of them, guys), by prayer (BY PRAYER), bring it all to God".  And HE will hear them.

Now does he Johnny on the spot answer them?  And give you EVERY dang thing you ask for? 

Deaton is a demander.  He is 4 years old and he thinks that if he is awake, he needs to be eating a "SNACK".  He would carry something in his hands 24/7 if he could find someone willing to keep handing him that snack.   Now as his grandma, I believe my duty on earth is to fulfill his every wish and need.  But I also know that, as a pretty avid snacker myself, that if he eats EVERYTHING he is demanding to have, that 1) he's going to weigh 300 pounds as a 1st grader,  and/or 2) he will be sick as a mule and I will have to most likely clean up after him.   SO, NO.... I hear his requests, and I decide, as HIS LOVING GRANDMA, what he can eat and can't eat. 

This is such a silly example of what I'm trying to say, but no.  It's not.  It's that easy.   GOD KNOWS YOU.  HE KNOWS YOUR FUTURE.  He can hear your thoughts.  He knows what you need before you even voice them.   Sometimes, I just pray and say  "You know, God.  You know"  and He does. 

Friends.  Why do we torture ourselves with anxious thoughts?  Are you doing the best you can do with your life?  Are you living and tithing and loving your family?  Are you doing good works for friends and loved ones and trying with all your heart to do the right thing?  Then you shouldn't be anxious.   YES, the enemy wants you tired and overwhelmed and frightened and sad and down.  BECAUSE THEN YOU CAN"T DO ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS GOD CREATED YOU TO DO. 

God will rescue you, He will send an army to find you. 

Now listen to this

You are not alone..  Even in your most anxious, worried moments.   He is there.  He knows. 

The Season of Change

I figured out I was 58 years old about a month ago.

I've been doing the "wonder woman" stunt double for about 18 months now.  It was fun for awhile, until it wasn't.

After several serious talks with my adult children, who have been worried pretty sick about me, I decided that it was time to make a change.

For one thing, don't think I'm done.  Oh for the love, I still have a 10th grader and a 4th grader to raise.  And a very eager college student getting ready to head for Rose State (who thinks she knows everything there is to know...you all know them, and probably raised a couple)

So, don't think for a minute, I'm going to become a lady of leisure.

I still drive to Stillwater every day to work.  And yeah,  I've still got years of "mom'n" left to do.  And the hardest part, I've seen Jackson about 6 times since he was born.  That's not acceptable.  You do the mom stuff, to get the privilege of having the fantastic grandma stuff.  And I was so burdened and tired, I couldn't even be effective anymore.

So, I'm hanging up my fostering hat.  I'm going to use my time and energy on the two left in the house, and my grandsons and just try to breathe a little and find myself again.

When you have so little to give to anyone, you hide in the bathroom to eat your dinner, it's time to do something different.

The hardest part was telling the three kids that thought I was going to be their mom.  The oldest checked out a long time ago and was pretty relieved I backed out.  The other two took it hard, as did I.

But after praying and praying and asking for answers I finally came to the conclusion that the adoption God was prompting me about was in actuality Him telling me to take care of the three I had already adopted.

When your gas tank is empty, you can't go anywhere.  I've been empty for about 4 months.  Just living on fumes.

And I believe that life should be more than fumes.

I gave notice to the worker, told the kids, told my neighbors (I love like family), and packed up the truck and moved to Beverly.....Hills you know, swimming pools, moving stars. 

No, I moved back to Shawnee.  And the way I knew God was behind it,  I had text several realtor friends about rental property (I'm not ready to buy, I want to take my time, because LORD ALMIGHTY I am NOT MOVING AGAIN), and NOTHING.   I began to envision Carl ALbert school district, still a good distance from Shawnee, and the grandbabies, but still WAY closer than Guthrie, and of course, Tyler is at church and one of his friends owns 1000 rent houses and tells him he has one available if he knows of anyone.  UHM, hello.

However, this move hasn't been easy.  I did it fast and I did it stupid.  Literally threw all my crap in boxes, taped it up and threw it in a uhaul.  Everything in chaos.  Exactly what I DON'T WANT. 

I forgot to turn on the gas, so no hot water at the new house.  Then 2nd day, the power goes out for about 4 hours, and tonight, the putrid smell of gasoline is permeating every inch of this house.   We have windows, doors, fans everything going full blast and there is no escaping this smell.

The landlord is gone until the 14th so I'm thinking Kip, Brandon and Dawson (who are due in tomorrow) will want to sleep anywhere but here.

I don't even know how it happened, or what happened.  We ran to get a bite to eat and we came back to gasoline (a small amount) spilled in garage.  I cleaned that up immediately, but when we walked in the house it was like someone had literally opened up the gasoline can and doused the whole house in gas.  It is still nauseating after about 3 hours.   Don't know what to do.  Stymied in fact.

BUT, before the great gas debacle, I LOVED getting up Sunday morning, getting ready for church and having to drive 5 minutes to get there.   And there were my grandsons, cute as america, loving to see me. 

God has his hand on me, and the series at church is "Anxious for Nothing" which is my life in a nutshell.  Always immaculate timing for these series, and I know there is nothing I can't do with God in my corner.

I just wish He could give me a good idea on how to get this gasoline smell out of my house.  For reals.   Please don't light a match near us for awhile.   Geez. 

Airports

I think I have experienced the highest of highs and some of my saddest moments at airports.

Anticipating and seeing that loved one walk down the hall into your arms, the joy and happiness that floods your insides,

And walking away, waving goodbye,  the sorrow that fills your heart.

Last January, after we had been at the ranch about 8 weeks, a little quirky girl came into our home.  She was 10 years old and WISE beyond her years.   She knew too much for a 10 year old, had seen more in her young life than I have seen, and was a broken, little soul.

She caused a lot of drama her first few weeks, coming from chaos, searching for the chaos that was so familiar, and not finding it, just causing it all on her own.

I've watched her grow, literally and figuratively, this last 18 months, into a very mature, soon to be 12 year old.  She's worked her way through a lot of pain, and loss and came out the other end a champion.

She left my house today.

What they don't teach you in those classes you are required to take to be a foster parent, is how to let go of a kid you have loved like your own for 18 months.   They didn't teach a class on that.  They didn't tell you that shards of your heart would go with them, and pieces would fall on the ground as you watch them say goodbye to all their friends,  their siblings, their baby brothers, all their foster siblings that they have argued with, laughed with, cried with, shared with....... The classes don't prepare you for that. 

As we drove to the airport this morning, I overloaded her with advice.  She overloaded me with inane prattle of the OKC bombing.  Anything to keep our minds off the imminent goodbyes we were going to have to face. 

I told her that the most important and lasting thing she will take from our home, was the fact that she was now a sold out lover of Jesus.  She agrees.  She told me that she had never been happier or more "safe feeling" as she had with us. 

I pray she finds her forever home with her grandparents, whom she has met once, and they love her with rich abandon and unconditional greatness.  I pray she finds Godly friends, and that she finds the home she has dreamed of her whole life, and the childhood she so richly deserves. 

I pray that she thinks back on her time at the 81-81 and knows she was deeply and joyfully loved. 

I've read that without great love, there is no great sorrow of loss.  It's like a railroad track, running side by side....the good, equally yoked with the bad.

I didn't realize that it would be this profound for me.  The feeling of loss.  This little girl made me want to pull my hair out twenty five ways of Sunday, ninety five percent of the time, but holy moly, she went and made me fall in love with her anyway. 

And now she's gone. 

Foster care isn't for sissies.   I didn't let her see my tears.  She has always counted on me to be the strong one to handle the crap for her.  She needs me to be strong and tell her it's going to be ok.  I've told her that about 1,233,444 times in the last 18 months.   Everything is going to be ok.  It's ok.  It doesn't matter about that, it's ok.   I don't think that's a big deal, it's ok. 

You are O.K. 

But today, I'm not. 

And there isn't any class for that. 

When you love big, you feel big loss.  And I won't do it any other way.

Gina the Warrior

I got this from big sis the other day, when I asked for a baby picture for the senior video this year.  I didn't want to pull a Leann Tuohy and find a cute little "Blasian" baby on the internet, so I took a chance and got this adorable little gem.

When I moved on the ranch last January, I took a huge risk.   I moved my kids away from their friends, their security, my mom, our lives as they knew it with me, and moved them to a new school, new community, new friends.

While Peppers Ranch was and is a HUGE blessing, and we have SO MANY FRIENDS here, the school that Gina was going to as a Junior, was a struggle.  She is a very ardent Christian girl and has zero filter so she didn't fit in at the very party school.

The only heartburn I had about everything, was how unhappy and miserably sad my Gina was.  It was very very hard on my heart.

Then I did the interview with OCS.   (oklahoma christian school for those of you that don't read my blog on the regular).  And heard how much it cost.   And prayed and prayed.   And then Bill Junk through the Methodist Foundation paid their tuition.... and something huge and significant happened in our family.

People, I never stop being amazed on the daily by the blessings that come your way by being obedient to God's calling.

For the first couple of weeks at OCS, it was pretty standard issue for my Gina.  Couldn't really find a group, as a Senior it is grueling to try to find a niche.  And at a private school, it can be even harder.  I prayed so hard for her every day.  Praying over her for peace and acceptance.   It is very hard to parent a different kid.  You want to FIX everything and sometimes if you just let go of the wheel and hand them over to God....He handles all the details.

Teachers friended the new kid, sitting by herself eating her lunch.  She had lunch and shared her story with several of her teachers and by week 6 of school, they had asked her to share her story.   You guys know this.  Check out my blog in September if you want to remember that story.  It was just the most anointed moment of my life.

And guys, Transparency here.   I didn't want her to do it.   I was too scared of what the outcome might be.  I was afraid she might say the wrong thing, go "rogue" if you will.  She would never practice her talk with me.  Because she talked about me in it, I think.

But what she did in that room of her peers, and the impact she  made on everyone that day....her life shifted.  She had friends in every face.  Everyone smiled at her.  Most everyone included her.  She found friends on the basketball team.....again, something I wasn't sure I wanted her to try.  She showed me.   Over and Over.

I haven't been thinking seriously about college for Gina, because I know how she struggles with school, and how hard college is going to be.   But she has been adamant about wanting to go, so I swallowed my worries again, and researched colleges and remedial programs and scholarship potential, and landed on Rose State.  I got my associates from Rose State and I really loved it.  I was much older when I went back but I liked the teachers, the classroom size, everything.   So we went for it, and took a tour and in a blog I wrote, one of my oldest friend's daughter is going to Rose and we found a roommate, because that's just how good my God is.

We applied for the President's Leadership Scholarship because it was a full ride of tuition and books, and I knew it would be a long shot because private school ain't playing when it comes to grades and expectations and whereas public school always gave her A's and B's and passed this social butterfly on her merry way, she has really had to work and dig to make the grades this year.

And she has.  I've watched my girl blossom this year.  She has come into her own, and when she won Homecoming Queen, she was greeted with honest and from the heart cheers and yells.  There was no pity, no token "Blasian" winner, she won because she won their hearts.

When I sent her senior pictures in the other day, I apologized for the grainyness of the photo and asked her to please just use it.  She replied,  "We could have a gray screen with her name on it, and everyone would scream their faces off for her, because she has everyone's heart.  " 

Remember that speech she gave, and I was so on the fence for??  The president of Rose State College's daughter just happens to go to OCS and was present for Gina's talk.  Told her mom.  What are the odds?    Again,   WHAT  are  THE odds??  God knew the ODDS, because HE Orchestrated EVERYTHING.

ALL  The Things.

Peppers Ranch

Oklahoma Christian School

Bill Junk

Precious teachers

Gina's willing heartfelt testimony

All the student's response

Sharing her story at home with parents and the right parent hearing that story, so that when that kid applied for a scholarship, she knew her name and her story and knew that she was more than her grades.  That Gina is one for the kingdom, and a world changer, and IQ's and grades will never define her, because her power comes from something that is limitless.

Her power comes from her love and overabundant grace that only comes from a special close walk with the Father.

When I see all the pieces of this beautiful tapestry taking shape before my eyes, it still has the power to bring me to my knees.

So, of course, she was awarded the scholarship.   A full stinking ride to Rose State. 

So when people ask me  "How do you do it?"  or "Are you kind of crazy?"  I have to say,  "Yes, I am crazy, and how can I not do it?"

Because, friends,  Every  Single  Day  I see the hand of God at work.

And what can top that? 

Look out World, this Warrior is coming for you.   

Ciao, Italy!

Sping break was so amazing this year.  I left all the children on the ranch and flew to New York (barely!) to meet Hallie and the volleyball team and headed to ITALY!

It didn't seem real the whole time.  I felt like I was seriously in a movie.  Just amazing, amazing, amazing.   Everyone in the world should put this on their bucket list of things to do.  I wish I had had two more days to explore the Amalfi Coast, so I could have seen ALL of high points of Italy while we were there, but mercy.....we saw a Lot.

We flew into Amsterdam, and tried our best to sleep on the ground or on a bench, but it was not to be done.  I even had upgraded to "Comfort Level" seats, which is one tiny step above the "steerage" section in the back and even teased the girls during the flight on how "The cheap seats" were doing.  It was NOT my top 5 fun most favorite things I ever done.   For one.. I can't sleep on a plane.  Even in "Comfort plus" it was brutal.   I watched movies and tv shows for the 9 hours going over, getting up to go pee and walk around 2 or three times just because it was miserable.

It even occurred to me as I looked around and everyone else appeared to be asleep on the flight, and that made me even madder.   HOW DO THEY DO THAT?

Everyone advised me to stay AWAKE once we got there, so my BODY CLOCK would set. 

Sure.

My body clock is iffy at best, and it wasn't having it.

I finally gave in and took a tiny nap at the hotel, while the girls were practicing, and then jumped in the thermal pool when they got home and it was seriously heaven on earth.   It felt like the best bathtub on the planet, and I LOVED IT. 

Italy doesn't have ice cubes.   You need to not ask either, or they look at you like you insulted their mother.  They charge for Water.  They all smoke like cancer isn't real.  They are skinny.  Very Very Skinny.   I didn't see one overweight person the entire time I was there.  It's crazy.

The architecture is to die for.  I'm sure Kip went there and walked around in massive glory all the time because there is far too much to take in.

We started in Venice, in our sight seeing, and it was just too much.  The narrow streets (paths, if you will) the ancient feel, the water, the shops, the magnificence of the place just consumed me.

I couldn't ever understand the concept of a city "on water" until I got there.  It is just something.   Yes, some people would think it's "Dirty" and "Old" but it charmed me.  Through and through.  Just an amazing place.  And the food?  Shut  Up.   So delicious.  Best food I had on the entire trip.

It was so cool how they had a public thoroughfare by water, or tiny streets behind the buildings.

Tiny Streets.

I'm guessing homes through here. Yellow street signs helped us find our way (sure)

Yes, we had to duck to get through many of them.  

"Hey this seems like a great place for a "portrait opp"!"

Both of them took turns taking pics of each other.  

Just gorgeous.  The view and the girl. 

Sydney Morris (A junior (cow, if you will) from San Antonio) and Hallie

The GONDOLA

SO COOL

The boat was a bit tawdry, but when in Venice.......

Yum, gelato.  We could have MANY of these pics. 

Delicious food, gorgeous view, perfect weather.  We LOVED Venice. 

Next stop was the Base in Vincenza.  The girls listened to a briefing about the base and asked questions.  There were several West Point alums stationed there so that was a fun time.

 A few of the girls played around in their gym.  

 Team Pic

Gorgeous view.  Hallie's thinking this wouldn't be a bad place to be based!

After the tour, we  jumped on the bus (where we almost suffocated it was so hot!) 4 hours north to Milan.  Hallie got sick on this trip and ended up with a fever and chills and all the fun of a 24 hour bug.   We took the street car  into Milan to take a picture of the church and just walk around, but she only made it about an hour or so before we had to head back to the hotel.

 The birds greeted us outside the cathedral.  Faces were priceless

 Cathedral Duomo di Milano

 Kara, Syd and Hallie

 Hallie and the birds

 the gorgeous mall

The streetcars were really neat. 

 Though I would have loved to have explored it some more, I'm not going to lie that it was pretty nice to let her sleep and I enjoyed catching up on Bewitched and Texas Walker Ranger on the telly.   I snuck to a mcdonalds that evening and got us some "good american food" and all it did was make her stomach hurt worse.  We were at the tail end (no pun intended) of the sickness at this point though, and after about an 18 hour of sleep day for Cadet Hembree, she was ready to jump on the bus and head to Pisa.

Pisa has a leaning tower, and a church.   And turns out, some pretty stellar gelato, but that's about it.  So we all stood around and took 100's of pictures of us holding the tower, kicking the tower, licking the tower, poking the tower, then hit the bus for Lucca. 

 This might be my fav.

 Not too great of lighting on this one

 Cracked me up....the trainer and one of the staff

 Syd and Hal  "Portrait"

 It took me ONE time.  (Pro)

 Angle is everything.

I didn't mind eating the gelato out of the cone for the picture.  :)

Lucca is one of the remaining cities in Italy that is completely walled in.  Hallie decided when the world hits the zombie apocalypse, we should all move there.  Sounds like a solid plan to me.  The trees were blooming, and the little shops so charming, BUT NO RESTAURANTS open after 2 pm.  Totally punked us.  I was ready for a big ole bowl of spaghetti after using all that energy to poke that tower, and every one was closed for "Siesta".   Oh, Ok.  Grrrrrr.   We took 100 "portraits" and headed back to the bus.

 You can see the wall behind the fountain.  It ran all the way around the town

 I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to look homeless.

Gorgeous little town.  Streets much wider

LUCCA

Everything is BIGGER in Italy.

We arrived at a quaint little B n B in Tuscany  and this was the place that I decided I was so tired of my hair looking like a homeless person, I was going to use my own hair dryer.  I brought my own converter so I could use my curling iron and charge my phone...why shouldn't my blow dryer work???   Plugged it in, turned it on, and I'm not lying here, fire shot out the end of it.   That's one way to get it dry in a hurry.   SMELLED up the whole room.  Clearly too powerful for the Italian outlets rigged with converters.  For.  the.  love. 

Headed my homeless self to the bus to make our way to Rome, and 5 hours later, we were there.  The bus was ALMOST as fun as the airplane ride.   ALMOST.   And this bus driver thought that since we had complained about the HEAT BEING on the day before, he would SHOW US, and blasted air conditioning so cold, everything in our bags was used to wear.  HE SHOWED US, HE DID.

But ROME!   The Colosseum, the Trevi fountain, Vatican City, Spanish steps.  The shops, the streets, the gelato, the pigeons.  The cobble streets.

Trevi Fountain (throw a coin over your shoulder for good luck)

You are just walking along a street and BOOM, there's the pantheon.   WHAT?

You know.  I've been to Vegas.   I LOVE the forum in Caesar's Palace.  First thing I thought (I swear it) was   DANG, these guys copied Vegas.  And then I rolled my eyes at myself and remembered it was THOUSANDS of YEARS OLD and chuckled and went on.

 The lighting was just extraordinary the first night we were there.  Just gorgeous

The next day we visited the Pope.  Vatican City was crammed.   It would have behooved us to grab a map so we could know what we were doing IN THE CITY. You know, I'm a NON DENOMINATIONAL CHRISTIAN FELLOW.  I'm not privvy to all things Catholic.  So I was under the impression it was a museum, and St Peter's Basilica was outside somewhere.   We rolled through the Sistine Chapel like we were from Oklahoma or something   (DANG ALL THESE PEOPLE and Hallie's  "This room creeps me out").  Everyone else talking in hushed whispers how amazing it was and we were like,  "OH THE SISTINE CHAPEL, YEAH".   One of the girls mistakenly called it the "sixteenth chapel" and honestly it kind of felt like that to me too.   Oh Michelangelo drew all over the walls, and it's like one of the seven wonders of the world, and one of the most magnificent masterpieces of ALL TIME?  We rolled through it, seeking gelato.   Hi, we're from Oklahoma, ya'll.  Those guys in that painting needs pants.

 Absolutely astounding architecture

 This ruins me for the rest of my life admiring buildings and artwork. Nothing will ever compare

Ana, Hal, Hannah and Courtney in the Hall (WOW)

There were just massive amounts of these weird little objects and a baby hugging a duck and why are they all naked?  So many questions....

 They had hundreds of chairs set up for the next morning for the Pope (or whoever) to deliver the  message.  I heard someone say that people start lining up outside the walls at 4 am to get a seat.  That is massive dedication.

Gorgeous girls, gorgeous view

Hal's illegal picture of the Sixteenth Chapel.  I still don't get it.  ?

I thought this was more beautiful than the above.  What is wrong with me?

I feel you Shaking your heads.   Hi, We are Okies!

Then just like that, the vacation I have been looking forward to for 6 months was OVER.

The flight back seemed better.  I prefer a 21 hour day that stays light all day.   I didn't sleep a lick on that plane either, and watched practically every show on the screen.  I'm seriously a first class world traveler as you can tell.  It's 4 days back and I'm still asleep by 8 pm and up at 4.   Hopefully by the time I travel again I will get it lined out.   My daughter and her friends are dolls, and I seriously had the best time laughing at them and walking 7 miles a day  (Yeah, that really happened).

A trip of a lifetime.

Oh I forgot about going to Verona and seeing the balcony that Romeo professed his love for Juliet.  Folklore has it that if you touch the right boob of the statue of Juliet it will bring you luck.  I didn't feel anything except extreme discomfort that I was feeling up a statue.  We'll see.  I felt pretty lucky just being there so that may be the luck that I got.

Save up your money and swing yourselves over to Italy.   It's worth every penny.