The Season of Change

I figured out I was 58 years old about a month ago.

I've been doing the "wonder woman" stunt double for about 18 months now.  It was fun for awhile, until it wasn't.

After several serious talks with my adult children, who have been worried pretty sick about me, I decided that it was time to make a change.

For one thing, don't think I'm done.  Oh for the love, I still have a 10th grader and a 4th grader to raise.  And a very eager college student getting ready to head for Rose State (who thinks she knows everything there is to know...you all know them, and probably raised a couple)

So, don't think for a minute, I'm going to become a lady of leisure.

I still drive to Stillwater every day to work.  And yeah,  I've still got years of "mom'n" left to do.  And the hardest part, I've seen Jackson about 6 times since he was born.  That's not acceptable.  You do the mom stuff, to get the privilege of having the fantastic grandma stuff.  And I was so burdened and tired, I couldn't even be effective anymore.

So, I'm hanging up my fostering hat.  I'm going to use my time and energy on the two left in the house, and my grandsons and just try to breathe a little and find myself again.

When you have so little to give to anyone, you hide in the bathroom to eat your dinner, it's time to do something different.

The hardest part was telling the three kids that thought I was going to be their mom.  The oldest checked out a long time ago and was pretty relieved I backed out.  The other two took it hard, as did I.

But after praying and praying and asking for answers I finally came to the conclusion that the adoption God was prompting me about was in actuality Him telling me to take care of the three I had already adopted.

When your gas tank is empty, you can't go anywhere.  I've been empty for about 4 months.  Just living on fumes.

And I believe that life should be more than fumes.

I gave notice to the worker, told the kids, told my neighbors (I love like family), and packed up the truck and moved to Beverly.....Hills you know, swimming pools, moving stars. 

No, I moved back to Shawnee.  And the way I knew God was behind it,  I had text several realtor friends about rental property (I'm not ready to buy, I want to take my time, because LORD ALMIGHTY I am NOT MOVING AGAIN), and NOTHING.   I began to envision Carl ALbert school district, still a good distance from Shawnee, and the grandbabies, but still WAY closer than Guthrie, and of course, Tyler is at church and one of his friends owns 1000 rent houses and tells him he has one available if he knows of anyone.  UHM, hello.

However, this move hasn't been easy.  I did it fast and I did it stupid.  Literally threw all my crap in boxes, taped it up and threw it in a uhaul.  Everything in chaos.  Exactly what I DON'T WANT. 

I forgot to turn on the gas, so no hot water at the new house.  Then 2nd day, the power goes out for about 4 hours, and tonight, the putrid smell of gasoline is permeating every inch of this house.   We have windows, doors, fans everything going full blast and there is no escaping this smell.

The landlord is gone until the 14th so I'm thinking Kip, Brandon and Dawson (who are due in tomorrow) will want to sleep anywhere but here.

I don't even know how it happened, or what happened.  We ran to get a bite to eat and we came back to gasoline (a small amount) spilled in garage.  I cleaned that up immediately, but when we walked in the house it was like someone had literally opened up the gasoline can and doused the whole house in gas.  It is still nauseating after about 3 hours.   Don't know what to do.  Stymied in fact.

BUT, before the great gas debacle, I LOVED getting up Sunday morning, getting ready for church and having to drive 5 minutes to get there.   And there were my grandsons, cute as america, loving to see me. 

God has his hand on me, and the series at church is "Anxious for Nothing" which is my life in a nutshell.  Always immaculate timing for these series, and I know there is nothing I can't do with God in my corner.

I just wish He could give me a good idea on how to get this gasoline smell out of my house.  For reals.   Please don't light a match near us for awhile.   Geez.