Meanwhile at West Point

I have been learning so much in this military journey we are on.  

West Point allows cadets two years to decide if this life is for them.  Basically a "Trial Run" if you will.  

The first week of their junior year they have to "Affirm" their commitment to the Army and basically give two more years of their life at the academy and then commit 5 years of service, after they graduate.  

The week leading up to affirmation was grueling for Hallie, I'm not going to lie.  The devil attacked her from all directions, and we had to quote scriptures and pray without ceasing for her that entire week.  

Affirmation was a closed event and I got sketchy pictures throughout the evening, basically stealing from everyone.

Waiting to affirm their commitment.

I found this on Delta Battery's instagram page.  Forever the photographer.  Dang she is skinny, has lost about 30 pounds.  

The neat coin they got 

This summer, the squad she led.  

Someone asked me about the pin Hallie is wearing in her picture with Nick.  That's her National Defense Medal that Lacey pinned on her during Plebe Parent Weekend.  She poo-poo's it like it's a "Participation Medal" that "Everyone" gets, and I'm like.   Well I know about 357 million people in the united states that DON'T have one.   Well I don't "know" them, but you know what I mean.

I'm so proud of this girl.  She is fearlessly letting God lead her through this journey.  She called me with plans to do scuba (what?), join the bowling team (LOLOLOLOL), and is doing Combative Fighting this 6 weeks, and being down in weight, they can flip her like a pancake.  She still has a lot of strength in her legs so she is counting on that to keep her doing well.  She had to fight a dude that outweighed her about 50 pounds, and managed to get her leg around him and flip him over.   ("it was not much fun fighting that guy with his junk all up in my face")  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  

This gorgeous girl is halfway through her journey at West Point.  

I know she has had her challenges (SO MANY CHALLENGES) but she is truly my hero.  She attempts to be a light and a positive influence and I'm so proud of her and the path she is forging for herself.  

I'm going to sneak out to NYC next weekend, (over Labor Day) and go see her.  She's about to be 21 and I can't.even.handle.the.thought.of.my.baby.being.21.    For the Love. 

People.  Don't blink.  Your babies grow up and become leaders in the military.  I just can't handle all the things.  

Plebe year.  

Gorgeous girl with her best friend Nick.  

Everyone continue to pray for this girl and her journey.  She's bowling, fighting, studying, and taking it one day at a time.   I'm so proud of her and love her to the moon and beyond.  

Keep on Singing

You know you heard some good preachin' when a full two days after hearing it, you are still resonating it in your brain.

I get to hear a LOT of stories at my job.  I hear about kids, and problems, and siblings, and problems, and spouses, and problems, and sadness of loss and just am privileged to be a listening ear to all kinds of people. 

I think I am more tuned into anxiety and worry right now, because of the message series at church. 

I remember back when I was a fledgling Christian, I always made excuses why I didn't need to read the bible.  "none of that applies anymore",  "It's too hard to understand"  "who cares about a bunch of old stories?'  I used them all. 

All the excuses.

Even when I was marching into a church every weekend, playing the piano, going through the motions of a church goer, I didn't "get" it. 

Then something happened so overwhelming, that there was no where to turn but to Jesus.  Thank the Lord I had been attending LifeChurch a few years before Laynie came into the picture, because from the fledgling Christian I was back in the day, I had started receiving 'Heart knowledge" instead of just the head knowledge.  I wanted to know the stories and understand how to receive them.  I knew God was a God of love and forgiveness and I wanted to know more. 

Paul has been my favorite thing to really dive into and understand in the bible.  Here was this man, a GINORMUS sinner, after some miraculous healing, decided to follow Jesus.  And I mean, throw down his own life, and follow Jesus.  He goes to a city to try to start preaching his love of Jesus to others, and gets THROWN in PRISON, yo.  THROWN IN PRISON. 

Now I don't know about you, but I don't even like staying in a bad hotel for one night, much less a prison.  But ole Paul doesn't let the fact that he's in prison stop him.  He is chained to guards, so guess what he does?  Starts preaching to the guards.  I mean, you gotta talk to someone when you're holed up in prison, right? 

Paul had the best perspective of anyone in the bible for me.  This man went THROUGH it now, and never stopped loving or doubting Jesus.  EVER.   Did he have reason to?  Could he have?  I believe so.  But Paul never did.   You know what he did?  Did he scream to the heavens the injustice of the reason for being there?  Did he rail against God for being unfair?   Nope.

Paul sang.  He raised his voice in song and sang his praises to God. 

Holy Moly.  I know that's the first thing that comes to mind for me when I'm in a pickle.  (Where is the sarcasm font when you need it?)

I drive back and forth to Stillwater everyday now to work.  This is my thinking time, and I love it.  It's also my music time and I found a Mercy Me album (undone) that I wore out, back in the day.   The last song on the cd is the song "Keep Singing".  It never made it big, but it is absolutely my most favorite song on the album. 

When Deaton gets disregulated and spins out, usually the thing that will quiet him the fastest, is to take him in my arms and just hold him quietly in my lap.  If he's really spinning out, he will fight me so hard when I try to pick him up, and it may take several minutes to get him to mellow out.  Sometimes he just keeps fighting me, and I have to relinquish and let him run in circles some more, but I am always there, keeping watch on him,  LOVING HIM SO MUCH, despite his crazy antics and longing for him just to slow down for one minute, so I can take him in my lap and just love him and let him know how much he truly is loved. 

It hit me driving today that's how God views us.  Nothing we can do makes HIM love us less.  Nothing.  We can be just as wound up as a yo yo and doing some of the most ridiculous things in the world, and He is just patiently waiting for us to slow it down and jump up in His lap and let Him love us.  Where we are,  the way we are, beautifully broken. 

In this song, the lyrics say,  "Let me climb up in your lap, I don't want to leave.  Jesus, sing over me" and that is such a powerful line for me.   When I was listening to this song on repeat, was right after we lost Laynie, and I was lost.  I would lay in bed at night and this song would spin in my head and I would close my eyes and picture myself crawling in God's lap, and Him stroking my head and loving me.... and it got me through the worst of the pain. 

God is there, He wants you in His lap.  I hope this song resonates with you like it did me.  I hope you know how cherished and loved you are.  Just slow down and let Him hold you. 

A stroll down memory lane

Several things I want to chronicle, more for the family archives of the blog than for actual reading. 

My family being together, all of us, in one big pile of people, happens less and less now.  I managed to get all my kids here the first week of August, and it was just maybe the happiest I have felt in a long long time.  

I had bought Lacey, Hallie and I, the musical, Hamilton tickets for Wed night.  I didn't realize Kip would be here, so I jumped right back on the site and hurried and got a seat super close to the three I had bought, clicked  "Buy" and then realized it was the ENTIRE NIGHT BEFORE.  So not only could I go sit by myself, it would be on a night NO ONE else would go with me.   So Yay for quick fingers on the website and not reading all the fine print.   So one more ticket later, on the right night, even farther away from the big three, we got 'er done.   

I was very discombobulated at Hamilton.   For one thing, Thomas Jefferson was black.  Which threw me for a loop because I don't remember him being black on the money I carry.  And the whole play was RAP.  And WORDS.  Holy Lord on High in the Heavens, ALL.  The.  Words.  

But once I relaxed and decided that it's ok to rap in Civic Center music hall, in a play with a black Thomas Jefferson, I became more and more enchanted.  The choreography was just magical, the moving stage, and the effortless way the entire cast just made it work.  Seriously just a work of genius.   Now, my mama would have HATED it with a capital Hate, and it really is NOT for everyone, but for me and my girls?  Winner winner chicken dinner.  

Before we went to Hamilton, we met the wonderful Trish Scott of Sweetberry Photography and had family pictures made, because, hey, it's what I make us do.  Every.  Time.   Because everyone is changing fast.   Just for fun let's look back over the years.  

2012

I had just gotten the 3rd grade Steven and the 6th grade Gina.  I had had them about 4 weeks at this picture.  They were 8 and 11.    Didn't know what to do with G's hair, and didn't realize Steven needed glasses.  Remember, "Oh, it ok, lolly, I only need them to see".  

2013

It's crazy what one small year will do to a family.   We got another tiny vietnamese boy, and added one son in law (Tyler) and was in the process in this picture, of adding a second one, Brandon.  

2014

This year we officially added Brandon in the family in April, and that fall, while Deaton was still cooking inside his mama, we took the last pictures without any grandbabies.   Zachary held the "youngest" in the family spot, and we were all excitedly awaiting the new grandbaby, Deaton.

2015

Thrilled to have baby Deaton in hand, and thought it would be fun to take pictures on a rock.  They did turn out pretty special though.  

2016

Took some fun pictures downtown Shawnee at the Rock Island Depot.  Enjoying that little Deaton, who was just over a year old.  

2017

Hallie graduated high school, our last fun family vacay in Destin before she headed off to West Point.  In the picture, but not visible is the boot she acquired after falling down the stairs leading to the beach and breaking her big toe, 4 weeks before she was to show up for beast.  We're still smiling, though.  That really was a fun time, all except that emergency room visit.  

 2018

2018 found Dawson born, my first grandson from Kip and Brandon, and Deaton a solid 3 years old.  The kids and I had moved to the ranch, and I had acquired a few extra kids for the pictures.  Didn't think to take pics of the core group, so this is our memory of 2018.  

and These.....

So, of course, when everyone was home this summer......

 You better believed I took full advantage.  Now we've added Jackson (10 months) and Dawson is 15 months old and full of dimples and personality.

In Dawson's defense, he does really like me.  It was a million degrees and he was OVER taking pictures.  Jackson is looking at him like, "Dude, pull yourself together man".  I adore my tiny men.  

 Cracker Jack is 10 months old.  He is long and skinny and so chill.  He takes his time doing anything because I like to think he is pondering the consequences.  He's very thoughtful and takes a minute to decide his next course of action (unlike his brother, who speeds through the day, knocking down everything in his path. total boy)  His eyelashes are like spiderwebs they are so long and gorgeous.  His eyes are turning brown, like mama's, and he prefers her over every one else.  He will tolerate me, and he does love his daddy, and brother makes him laugh the hardest, but when it all comes down to it, right in his mama's arms is where he is his happiest.

This little dimpled darling, is the most relaxed and calm child.  He imitates his mom and dad, and will eat everything not nailed down.  I was so amazed at the food he would eat.  EVERYTHING, except that tiny tomato that got put on his plate by accident and, Dawson, thinking it was a watermelon, grabbed it up, gobbled it in and almost immediately spit it across the table, like "Who dare ruin my meal with this gross tomato?  WHO? "   He is happy 97% of the time and is on a schedule that I stand in awe of, and is really the sweetest, little sunshine love.  

#1 grandson, Deaton is now in Pre-K.  I just can't even at this time.  I mean, WHAT!?

I'm serious as a heart attack that I will most likely need therapy when he starts losing his baby teeth and acquiring the giant adult teeth.  I need him to stay small for a while longer.  He is a corker of the highest magnitude.  He has sass and attitude and I just adore the stuffing out of him.  Now his mama says, "Jesus take the wheel" about every 15 minutes of the day with him, and Lord on high this kid wants to eat EVERY SECOND of the day, but I love every single ornery, contrary thing about him.  His Lols is his #1, #2 and #3 fan in the entire world, and I will always have his back.  At church on Sunday, I was holding his hand to go fetch him a donut (of course) and he held our hands with his other hand, and threw out to me as we were making our way to the donut table,  "I just love ya, lols".

That goes double for you, kiddo.  

I absolutely LOVE my family, my life and this journey.  What a miraculous time . 

Blessed and highly favored.....that is us.  

And another fun fact:  when I recently moved, I will have you know that I thanked my clothes prior to 2016 for their service, told them they sparked joy in their day and sent them to good will.  Growth baby.   Growth.  

Be Anxious for Nothing.....

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of anxiety, to say the least.

Deciding and moving, literally in three weeks.

Moving Gina to college.

Finding a school for the boys.

Packing/Unpacking, cleaning, moving, SWEATING EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THREE WEEKS.

Last Wednesday, I decided I wasn't going to do another thing that required sweat on my part for the rest of the month of August.   I seriously have NEVER SWEAT so much in my life as I have the last few weeks.   And I'm not a person that looks gloriously glowing when I sweat, I look like I've been through the wringer and it drips off my nose.

Not one inch of pretty anywhere in sight.

But now that I'm somewhat organized (heavy on the somewhat) and moved in .....HOLY MOLY I'm back in Shawnee!

I can leave my house and be at sonic in 4 minutes. 

4 minutes, people.

I can buy food at an ALDI (WHICH I ADORE) and be back at my house in under 10 minutes.  Now that may be stretching it, because as is turns out, everyone in Shawnee ALSO loves Aldi and usually is in there while I am in there, so it's always a full out - full aisle of people every aisle type experience.   And even though they are overwhelmingly busy, there are two people that work there.  TWO.   So what should take 4 minutes of running in and running home can eek into a 20-25 minute standing -in - line experience.

ANXIETY.   STRESS.

Now, if you think I'm serious, I'm not.  But I am super serious about the topic we have been unpacking a church for the last few weeks.

Lacey and Tyler recently got new ink that is pretty much their family mantra.

"There is purpose in the pain"

We've been talking about ANXIETY at church, and I get bombarded, pretty much on the daily for prayer.  I need prayer for this, for that, for the other.  People know I like to pray and I'm a heavy duty prayer warrior, so I get a bunch of requests during the day.  And I honor and adore them.  Keep them coming.

However.....it's easy to get in a spin cycle (if you will) of worry and anxiety.  Hallie has been in one for over a week.  I don't think there is anything more stressful for me than to have a kid in a spin cycle.  Our parental instinct is to step in and fix, but then you realize they are dang near 21 and IN THE ARMY and can and should figure out stuff for themselves.   So you listen, and you pray, and you listen and you pray and you listen and you pray.   And pray that they pray as well and listen to hear that holy spirit prompting them.

Our pastor has been through some stuff recently, and he was so raw and genuine at church this weekend, it moved me.  (as always)  He is in counseling for anxiety.  And he is preaching on anxiety.  DO you think that comes from a more personal, more intimate place for him?  It's right where he is living, daily.  We think of our pastors as these men of God that can't fall down or feel anxious or worry.  He is standing in front of literally thousands of people, telling them, 'Yeah, I'm anxious, and the only way through it is through God". 

I hear some of you scoffing.  Yeah, God got me through it all right.  He TOOK EVERYTHING AWAY... MY LIFE IS RUINED..... MY KID IS GONE ....  I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN SO MUCH PAIN..... MY HEALTH IS FAILING......  He hears ALL those things. 

Can he change the path of some of these things?  Yes, I believe He has the power to do it.   Will he change the path of some of these things?  Yes I believe He can, but it's in HIS TIME. 

Pastor Craig realized about third sermon in that he would have never been vulnerable and preached on a sermon about ANXIETY unless He himself had to walk that struggle himself.  He said yesterday, more people have reached out to him and told him what a difference this series is making for them, than he has heard from in years. 

You Have To Walk Through the Pain, to get to the other side.  You can't short cut it, you can't stop it, you can't fast foward it.   YOU HAVE to walk through all of it. 

Laynie taught us that full well.  When we were in the trenches, we didn't see the other side,  we only saw the pain and the struggle and the hurting.  BUT WE CHOSE to change our perspective on that and SEE and LIVE the Joy, the WONDER, the Grace that we were given in those special, anointed thirty months of God's mercy. 

We could have wasted so much of that precious time doubting God and asking WHY GOD?, but instead we embraced what was given and lived it....FULL OUT.

We had to live in the verse "BE anxious for NOTHING, BUT IN EVERY SITUATION (every single one of them, guys), by prayer (BY PRAYER), bring it all to God".  And HE will hear them.

Now does he Johnny on the spot answer them?  And give you EVERY dang thing you ask for? 

Deaton is a demander.  He is 4 years old and he thinks that if he is awake, he needs to be eating a "SNACK".  He would carry something in his hands 24/7 if he could find someone willing to keep handing him that snack.   Now as his grandma, I believe my duty on earth is to fulfill his every wish and need.  But I also know that, as a pretty avid snacker myself, that if he eats EVERYTHING he is demanding to have, that 1) he's going to weigh 300 pounds as a 1st grader,  and/or 2) he will be sick as a mule and I will have to most likely clean up after him.   SO, NO.... I hear his requests, and I decide, as HIS LOVING GRANDMA, what he can eat and can't eat. 

This is such a silly example of what I'm trying to say, but no.  It's not.  It's that easy.   GOD KNOWS YOU.  HE KNOWS YOUR FUTURE.  He can hear your thoughts.  He knows what you need before you even voice them.   Sometimes, I just pray and say  "You know, God.  You know"  and He does. 

Friends.  Why do we torture ourselves with anxious thoughts?  Are you doing the best you can do with your life?  Are you living and tithing and loving your family?  Are you doing good works for friends and loved ones and trying with all your heart to do the right thing?  Then you shouldn't be anxious.   YES, the enemy wants you tired and overwhelmed and frightened and sad and down.  BECAUSE THEN YOU CAN"T DO ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS GOD CREATED YOU TO DO. 

God will rescue you, He will send an army to find you. 

Now listen to this

You are not alone..  Even in your most anxious, worried moments.   He is there.  He knows. 

The Season of Change

I figured out I was 58 years old about a month ago.

I've been doing the "wonder woman" stunt double for about 18 months now.  It was fun for awhile, until it wasn't.

After several serious talks with my adult children, who have been worried pretty sick about me, I decided that it was time to make a change.

For one thing, don't think I'm done.  Oh for the love, I still have a 10th grader and a 4th grader to raise.  And a very eager college student getting ready to head for Rose State (who thinks she knows everything there is to know...you all know them, and probably raised a couple)

So, don't think for a minute, I'm going to become a lady of leisure.

I still drive to Stillwater every day to work.  And yeah,  I've still got years of "mom'n" left to do.  And the hardest part, I've seen Jackson about 6 times since he was born.  That's not acceptable.  You do the mom stuff, to get the privilege of having the fantastic grandma stuff.  And I was so burdened and tired, I couldn't even be effective anymore.

So, I'm hanging up my fostering hat.  I'm going to use my time and energy on the two left in the house, and my grandsons and just try to breathe a little and find myself again.

When you have so little to give to anyone, you hide in the bathroom to eat your dinner, it's time to do something different.

The hardest part was telling the three kids that thought I was going to be their mom.  The oldest checked out a long time ago and was pretty relieved I backed out.  The other two took it hard, as did I.

But after praying and praying and asking for answers I finally came to the conclusion that the adoption God was prompting me about was in actuality Him telling me to take care of the three I had already adopted.

When your gas tank is empty, you can't go anywhere.  I've been empty for about 4 months.  Just living on fumes.

And I believe that life should be more than fumes.

I gave notice to the worker, told the kids, told my neighbors (I love like family), and packed up the truck and moved to Beverly.....Hills you know, swimming pools, moving stars. 

No, I moved back to Shawnee.  And the way I knew God was behind it,  I had text several realtor friends about rental property (I'm not ready to buy, I want to take my time, because LORD ALMIGHTY I am NOT MOVING AGAIN), and NOTHING.   I began to envision Carl ALbert school district, still a good distance from Shawnee, and the grandbabies, but still WAY closer than Guthrie, and of course, Tyler is at church and one of his friends owns 1000 rent houses and tells him he has one available if he knows of anyone.  UHM, hello.

However, this move hasn't been easy.  I did it fast and I did it stupid.  Literally threw all my crap in boxes, taped it up and threw it in a uhaul.  Everything in chaos.  Exactly what I DON'T WANT. 

I forgot to turn on the gas, so no hot water at the new house.  Then 2nd day, the power goes out for about 4 hours, and tonight, the putrid smell of gasoline is permeating every inch of this house.   We have windows, doors, fans everything going full blast and there is no escaping this smell.

The landlord is gone until the 14th so I'm thinking Kip, Brandon and Dawson (who are due in tomorrow) will want to sleep anywhere but here.

I don't even know how it happened, or what happened.  We ran to get a bite to eat and we came back to gasoline (a small amount) spilled in garage.  I cleaned that up immediately, but when we walked in the house it was like someone had literally opened up the gasoline can and doused the whole house in gas.  It is still nauseating after about 3 hours.   Don't know what to do.  Stymied in fact.

BUT, before the great gas debacle, I LOVED getting up Sunday morning, getting ready for church and having to drive 5 minutes to get there.   And there were my grandsons, cute as america, loving to see me. 

God has his hand on me, and the series at church is "Anxious for Nothing" which is my life in a nutshell.  Always immaculate timing for these series, and I know there is nothing I can't do with God in my corner.

I just wish He could give me a good idea on how to get this gasoline smell out of my house.  For reals.   Please don't light a match near us for awhile.   Geez.