Living on your knees

This is from Laynie's page on Facebook back in May...my brain isn't working too well today, and I really like this story.  I really don't know how I write some of the stuff I write.  God is the source, I'm just the vessel....  without Laynie, I don't think I would have ever been as receptive and open as I am to God and His merciful power.  Read on..

Of course, listening to KLove driving to work, and Lisa (the DJ) was reading the most powerful story from a tornado survivor from Joplin.  Having lived through several tornados (though none directly in the path), I listened with one ear.  Until the "train hit the house", and I sat, transfixed in her story, and grieved for a family I have never even met.  Family friend, Angie and her husband, lost EVERYTHING in the tornado that went through El Reno.  One of the most powerful pictures I have ever seen was her and her husband standing in front of their demolished home, holding a sign that had been just an hour before, hanging on the wall in their front room  "The most important things in life aren't things".  How true is that statement??

What ran  through Angie's story, and the story from the radio this morning, was that HOPE rained on those families.  THey didn't cry out "OH LORD WHY ME?", but instead  "OH LORD, JUST STAY WITH ME.  COVER ME AND KEEP US SAFE".   And he heard, and delivered.

I've been reading through Job and that has been really hard for me.  And healing.  It taught me that God will and can test you.  It's not always a sunny wallk in the park when you're in God's pocket.  Sometimes you have to do things that you feel like the joy is just sucked out of you, and you'll never feel happy again.  (Talking about me here), and then you go to a church function  (MWC LAUNCH MEETING OF LIFECHURCH CAMPUS... WOOHOO) and I remember that nothing in this life MATTERS except following GOD and His will for me.  Not MY will, but HIS.  Everytime I try to take that control back, and make it about ME, I falter, I feel joyless.   God's got it, I've just got to trust Him to see it through.

I have missed Laynie like a knife in my chest the last few weeks.  I miss her laugh, I miss her voice, I miss her sighs when she slept, I miss her joy in the bathtub, I miss kissing that sweet little face, arm, head, hand...  I haven't been able to even think about getting in the pool, because I remember her joy in being part of that last year, and I hurt to my toes.  Grief is a mean, cranky neighbor.  Creeps up when you least want it, or expect it.   I had to bury my uncle last weekend, and though my delight in seeing my family was immense, the overlying sorrow of why we were together, sobered the moment for me.  The first of my mom's generation to pass.  Hard and overwhelming to realize that every day is but a gift.


I've wasted much of my life worrying, and caring about all the wrong things.  The first 47 years of my life aren't too many that I'm proud of, but I can say with unwavering certainty that the last 3 years of my life and the next 20 will be much better.   Because God has the wheel.... and He's the best driver around.

I HOPE that everyone understands the beauty of their situation, be it good or bad.  If it's GOOD, so happy for you, God is blessing you inside and out.  If it's BAD, so happy for you, because you are never closer to God than when you are brought to your knees.