I attended the funeral of the girls' great uncle yesterday. It was such a joyful homecoming. I always am so sad, when a preacher stands in front of the church, at the end of someone's life, and have no idea who they are, or what they meant to everyone. They say inane things, and try to comfort a family they don't know, and say empty words.
That to me is the saddest funeral.
Yesterday's funeral was a homecoming. The preacher knew Floyd, inside and out, and intimately knew the family, and every word from his mouth was a sincere, loving farewell.
That is rare these days. The picture he painted, we all knew. Every word he spoke was truth, and poignant.
He called him a "gentleman's gentleman" and truer words could not be spoken..
We are studying "Your Story" at church. I am not proud of some of my chapters. I have made many mistakes in my life, and the legacy I was leaving, was not something I was proud of.
The beautiful thing about grace.....God gives it. And I received it. Floyd's chapters were all about integrity, and hard work and commitment to the Lord and his family.
There is no greater legacy to leave.
I'm really struggling these days. The enemy all over my heart. I know it, I see it, I feel it, and I still feel powerless to overcome it.
I'm not sure how much longer I am going to be able to foster. It is so much harder than I ever dreamed it to be. I am so tired, and so overwhelmed, and so defeated.
The kids are doing great. Don't get me wrong, I'm the weak one. I'm the selfish one. I'm the one that longs for a quiet house, a long bath, being alone for an evening.
None of these things can happen. I'm being selfish, but I am so tired. I feel I keep another woman's children so she can live scott free. That's the enemy all over me, but I can't help how I feel. I'm hoping in putting it to writing, I can overcome the anger I feel at a woman I don't know.
I raised three children. Or two, and am still raising one. I've worked my whole life. I don't understand how a person can live with their self and NOT be doing everything in their power to get their kids back. This lady assumes her kids are better off, and isn't even trying.
And if I give up, I'm a punk. They go back to the shelter, or even worse, a terrible foster home. If I stay the course, I get more bitter and more angry, and end up a black hole.
I need prayers to rain on me. I don't know how I can keep doing this. I'm a terrible selfish person, because all I want is my life back. And it's not MINE to take back, I've given it to the Lord, and this is HIS will, and HIS call, and HIS direction.
I understand the stages of grief. They are even evident in foster care. Right now I'm in "ANGER" stage, and it's sucking the joy. SATAN, I am over it.
No one said it would be easy.
I just didn't know it would be so hard.