Pastor Craig talked about hypocrites, and I'm not going to lie, I felt super convicted. Mainly because he kept talking about social media, and how we portray our lives, and then live an entirely different way.
Eek.
Do I do that?
I wrestle with this a lot. I'm a big ole sinner. That has thankfully been saved by grace.
Do I write this blog to seek accolades? I hope that's not what is the root of the base of the bottom of the reason.
But then as he unpacked the message more, and he called himself "an honest sinner", I felt myself relaxing.
I'm a sinner, saved by grace.
I have said that so many times. I sinned my way through life, sitting in a pew almost every weekend, thinking I was a "Great Christian" and then Lacey prayed a dangerous prayer and God sent us an angel to save us all.
Laynie's life changed me. Her pure goodness and my constant need to seek God, because I was so out of anything I had ever experienced before, brought Him to me in a way I had never dreamed possible. I had heard all the stories about "peace that passeth understanding" and "redeeming grace", but never experienced them first hand.
Dangerous prayers are necessary to bring you to knees, because only on your knees, do you truly, recklessly seek and desire God's hand.
When I searched for answers on Laynie's "Why" in the pages of my bible, I became a sold out, believer of the one and only who can give you the peace you forever need, and it changed my life.
Sometimes, like today, I am so plagued with Self Doubt that I am worthy of God's love. The enemy seeks to destroy my peace by always plaguing me with my sins of the past, but GOD INSTANTLY forgives you when you seek His forgiveness. His forgiveness is DEEP and Strong and constant. If only we could forgive ourselves the way that God forgives us!
But I'm still a born again sinner. I said, "Damn" in front of my children and maybe the S word, when school was let out for the 2nd day in a row this past week. I felt like I was stuck in a "punk'd" episode, Weekend, out Monday for president's day, barely back to school one day and out TWO MORE DAYS, then back on Friday and Hello, Here is weekend again.
For one thing, there's all the cooking, and the eating, and the gooming and the goming (which is my mother's term for anything not done neatly) . There is the ENDLESS fighting between the two new siblings (which is wearing me thin, SO VERY THIN) and just so much.......constant.
So, yeah, I feel like I may have been a hypocritical messazoid this week.
Then Craig continued to make me feel better by saying, You have nothing to fear, if you have nothing to hide, and mercy, that hit me where my mama lives.
If you aren't honest and open about everything (I may have a problem currently with Girl Scout Samoas, just sayin), then chances are you have a problem. It really opened my eyes when he said, "if in the morning you open your youversion app and read the bible, then on that same phone, look at porn in the afternoon.....there's a gap."
"The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him with their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable" Brennan Manning
With the journey since Laynie, at first it was to keep people informed of her well being, and then it became a heart matter with me.
People private messaging me, and telling me story after story how my words helped them, caused massive relief, or encouraged them...made me believe that I was sharing my spiritual gift.
Only God can lead a sinner from the life I was living into the grace one only gets with a sold out love of Christ.
I share my story because I hope that you will see, if this born again sinner can do the things she doing, you will be spurred to do more.
Life is one time, guys.
You get one shot. ONE SHOT.
If my time on earth is limited to the time my dad was given, I have just over 3 years to leave a legacy.
Three
years.
I'm praying I am granted more than that, but my goal every day is to show God to my client's, and try to raise 6 little kids that society had pretty much given up on, into a life of action for God. That's my life.
Some days it's just perfect.
Some days it's a giant crap factory. (no pun intended, as tomorrow we are doing a clean out of the highest magnitude, gatorade and miralax bought and ready)
It's frustrating, exhilarating, but never boring. Sometimes I want to pluck my eyelashes out ONE at A TIME and just pull every single hair out of my hair. And that's before the bus arrives.
BUT, I seriously, have never felt more content, more alive, more aware in my life.
As I prayed out loud in the car, after asking for prayers from my friends over an issue with one of the newbies, I was just pouring my heart out, (with the newbie in the car with me), because honestly, I didn't even know what to do, my heart kind of stopped and skipped a beat, when I ended my prayer with an "Amen" with maybe more gusto than was warranted, a small voice in the backseat, echoed, "Amen".
We're all going to be ok.
One day at a time dear Lord. One day at a time.
Please let me show your face and your mercy and your grace to these mostly, thankless, little stinkin, fighting, punching, mouthy, eating machines that have been given into my care. . Give me patience and unending grace.
I have the music to this song, and I play it on the piano a lot lately,and sing it as loud as I can, (mainly to HELP ME LIVE THROUGH THE DAY, Dear Lord and AMEN) and how I love to hear the little voices, still singing it after I have left the piano.
Never let me Go, Lord.
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