Tonsil Tale

If you didn't know, I had Lovely and LB's tonsils out last Friday.  Lots of memories have been flooding back.

I remember Kip getting her tonsils out, and I don't remember anything untoward happening.  Nothing that sticks out in my mind, except Cream of Wheat and popsicles.  Lots of popsicles. 

I had my tonsils out when I was 18.  That's freakishly old to have tonsils removed.  That was the beginning of my 40 pound weight loss.  I had tonsils, barely healed from that, and then my wisdom teeth, in short order.  It was a glorious summer for me. 

The only thing I remember about my tonsils was 1) my tongue felt like it had been taken out of my mouth and nailed to the table beside me, and then released from the nail and rolled back in my mouth. I tawt lit dis.  (I talked like this).  Except with a lot of spit rolled into it.  All very exceptional. 2)  I remember a lot of Popsicles as well. 

But the number one thing I remember most when I got my tonsils out, was the very day I got home and was still "Tawting lit dis", my mom had taken off work and was hanging out with me, and she was in the back yard puttering in the garden.  I was lounging on the sofa, just minding my own business, when she came running in the house, yelling,  "CALL THE POLICE!  CALL THE POLICE!!!  THE WILLIAMSONS ARE GETTING ROBBED!"    I was like,   "WALL?"  (What?) and she said,  "Where are your keys (to my 76 Dodge Dart 3 speed)?  I'm going after them!!!" and she grabs my keys and out the door she runs. 

OK.   I'm in a pickle here.   Clearly, in her panic to become Deputy Dog,  she has forgotten that I have the speaking skills of a squash.  And also, that she is now chasing criminals in my Car. 

I take a deep breath and call 9-1-1. 

"9-1-1, what is your emergency"

"MY MOB ISH UN MA CAH SHASHING RAHBUHS"

Excuse me, ma'am??

"MY MOB ISH UN MA CAH SHASING RAHBUHS"

Is this a joke??

"NUUUUUUU!!!!  PLEASH!!  I UM NUT KUTTING  (I'm not kidding), UH JUSH GUT MAH TUNSHILS UT UN MA TUNGHH ISH WARY SCHWOLLLN"

"Ma'am, this is 9-1-1 and we don' like Prank phone calls."

(Now I'm rolling my eyes to the ceiling, knowing my mom is being killed by robbers after chasing them down in my 3 speed)

PLEASH!!  EEUU HAB TO BELIEB MUH!!!  MUH MOB ISH CHASHING ROBBERSH!  UN MUH CAH!  PLEASH!!!!

Ok, we are dispatching a unit. 

THANK THE LORD.

I didn't realize they were coming to the house to arrest me for drunk and disorderly conduct.  7 minutes later, there are 2 policemen at my door and when I threw the door open, I started telling them what the problem was and that my MOM WAS CHASING ROBBERS IN MY 3 speed and they needed to go find her.....she drove up. 

With a kid's bicycle hanging out the back of the car, and a kid, panting hysterically, being hauled out of the car by one arm.  (I've been hauled that way before, and I can assure you, you know your butt is HISTORY when my mom has your arm).

SHHEEE???  I stutter to the officers. 

My bad ass Mom, hauls this yelling 12 year old up to the officer, hands him over and says,  "I only caught one, the other one got away".

Now, picture this with me, if you will. 

My mom, who is in a hair net and shorts (Because she is out working in the garden and can't let her weekly shellac'd hair, get out of place), is driving my little 3 speed like a bat out of you know where and has chased these little pipsqueaks, (Who had robbed 12 houses in our neighborhood) until they split and I guess, to this day, I'm not sure how she got her hands on that one, except to run him down with her car, or catch him on foot, because when ticked off, that woman could run.  (This I know from experience, as well)

Ended up getting back most of the stuff from the little thieves and my mom was a celebrity at all the Neighborhood watch parties for several years. 

I didn't get arrested for prank phone calls, either.  Nor did I get a medal for best accesory in a pinch. 

But my mama, she is one mean hombre.  Don't be breaking into our houses if you know what's good for ya.