Honoring the Mama on her Angel's 12th birthday

Lacey's word for 2020 is "Brave".  I would argue that she is the bravest person I know.

You know when you have your own kids, you always wonder first of all, how in the world are you going to raise these tiny humans, and later, I hope they turn into great adults.

My tiny human, my first born, wasn't given that luxury with her first born.  She was handed a decision so huge for a 23 year old.   She told doctors no when they told her to terminate.  She boldly walked into the unknown, and I watched in magnificent awe as she and Laynie built their story.

My role was head cheerleader, lead historian and comic relief.  I made sure Lacey always knew I had her back and every word out of my mouth was "It will be ok"! (with a little fist pump and high kick).  As historian,  I wrote and recorded EVERY SINGLE thing that happened with our girl, even though sometimes it was hard for Lacey to give me permission to write about everything (the good, the bad and the ugly)  in our lives, I think her allowing me to share the journey impacted thousands of people.  Comic relief speaks for itself.

When Lacey was about 2 years in to college, she came to me and told me she wanted to change her major.  I was floored because my order driven, numbers loving, calculator brain accountant daughter, who had wanted to do something with math for as long as I known her, told me she was changing her major to Child Development.  "I don't know why, mom, but I feel I need to do this"

To say I was stunned by this turn of events might be a small understatement.  I'm pretty sure I used terms like "Glorified Babysitter" and "No money" and "YOU WANT TO DO WHAT" to her, all at the same time and maybe for the course of a few weeks after the big announcement.

HOWEVER, without me knowing it, God already had HIS plan in motion for her.  Lacey was being obedient to HIS calling.

Because in 4 short years, she would be using all the things she had learned and she would be learning, hands on, even more...... every single day.

Lacey was so brave.  She faced unknowns with her girl, and met them head on.  She stayed relentless in her pursuit of keeping Laynie safe and healthy, and because of her talent and expertise, Laynie lived longer (than any doctor expected) ....  and happier ..... and SO VERY LOVED and adored.

Little scamp reached up to kiss her and flat out bit her mama.  

They were best buds.

Lacey was teaching her sign language when she got sick, and she had little cards to show Laynie pictures of mama, milk, juice, dada, bath.... all the things.  After Laynie had passed, and I thought I had done an OK job of putting things away, just to help ease some of that pain..... .. Lacey didn't feel like she could be called a mom anymore.  (man this is hard to type, because those were hard days, aching for my daughter who was the best mom in the world, with her baby in heaven) and I kept telling her, "You will always be a mom...you are her mom".   and in her doubting pain, on Mother's day the year after Laynie died,  she was moving some towels in the bathroom, or was moving books, I can't remember exactly, but she found the sign language card for "mama", and Lacey said, "It was like God sent me a sign".   

People share with me, their struggles and their pain, and their worries and I have to tell you that sometimes life's not easy, it's SO flippin' HARD and the decisions and the choices and the fear of loss can consume you, but God promises us He is by our side and will never leave us.  The key is... Being Brave and meeting it head on, because you know GOD has your back...even in the ashes, He is There. 

But this blog for Laynie on her birthday, is more about her Mama and what she has done with her life since the gift of Laynie.   I want you to see how God's hand is ALL up in it.....  

Lacey worked for Children's Hospital Foundation (children's miracle network in oklahoma) for several years after Laynie died.  She learned invaluable tools about non-profit.  She also got her master's during this time.   She learned all things non-profit and grant writing and fundraising, and what that looked like.  Loved her job, loved her people, loved sharing Laynie with all her clients and families.  It got her through the loss of her marriage, the loss of her baby, a move to a new place.... CMN was vital as breathing to her during those days.   God carried her through, and she bravely moved on.   It was through CMN she met Tyler Lacey's blog about Tyler (if you want to revisit that incredible story)

When she ended up marrying Tyler and moving back to Shawnee, it became clear driving back and forth to the other side of Oklahoma City wasn't in the cards, so she started the hunt in Shawnee, and there wasn't much in the job department,  she ended up working at the DA's office.  She learned about the court system, and how to spell subpoena and also how to write one.  She learned all about the system and how it worked.  Many days she wondered why God had led her there.  

The job at Legacy was one she had considered when she first moved to Shawnee, but it didn't work out and now, looking back, God even had his hand in that.  She needed to work in that DA office, to have the experience of the court system, and see how all that works, because with that in her tool belt, she was ready to go and take that knowledge, so when families came in and they were wherever in the legal system of getting kids, or fighting to get kids back, Lacey knows how to help them.  Without that "why in the world am I here" time down at the courthouse, Lacey wouldn't have had the skills to make Legacy Parenting Center into the incredible place it is today.

It's crazy how God works.  He puts you in places and situations you don't really understand, to build you up and put you in places you won't believe you GET to be in. 

Legacy's website

And on Laynie's birthday, I think this is the perfect time to ASK if any of you have time to volunteer.  Lacey has a plethora of different opportunities at Legacy, where you can be as hands on as sitting in, loving on and mentoring families, or as quick and easy as running by and picking up donations, taking them to your house to wash and fold.  And she ALWAYS, ALWAYS needs volunteers.   You may think you are busy and don't have time to give an hour or two a week, (THAT'S IT!)  but I am here to tell you, when you start doing things for others, outside of all of "YOUR own STUFF", that's when life gets really good.  And there isn't anything more important than helping empower families to become strong families in our community.  Legacy has an adorable "store" where families can "shop" with the points they earn taking their lessons. If you like retail, volunteer there!   They give out diapers, and more diapers and even more diapers. Not a people person??  Count out diapers and shrink wrap them into packs for families.  I'm telling you, this place... It's just amazing.  And did I mention she ALWAYS needs volunteers?  And your kid's gently used clothing, and toys.  Don't think there isn't a place for you.  There is ALWAYS someways to help....  If you are retired, work part-time, have time on your hands and wish you had a way to give back..... Hello, did you know Lacey needs volunteers at Legacy?  Have I mentioned that?? 

So when Lacey says her word for 2020 is "Brave" ......  watch OUT!  

Because God taught her all about being brave ..... In the form of a tiny miracle....

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  

Happy birthday, Layniebug !  So thankful for your miraculous life

and all the beautiful things you taught us.  

And look at me, still being your mama's biggest cheerleader !

Love you Forever and two days....

and miss you as much, 

your Lolly

Remembering an Angel- Year One

When Laynie was born, I actually was in the delivery room with Lacey because the doctor was pretty certain Laynie wouldn't live but a few minutes, and I really wanted to be there to see her and have those few stolen minutes with her.

I remember hearing her cry and seeing the most tiny of tiny baby, with her little backwards, tucked under her butt, feet.  Her little head was just a bit bigger than a Cutie orange and her little bitty body, just everything so small.

But the LOVE that overwhelmed my heart, nothing small about that.  The NICU was on a different floor than Lacey's, so I got in my steps those few days at Children's .... running up and down the stairs, because the elevator was too slow.

This looks really intimidating, but it really isn't when you know what you're looking at..... the cannula, giving her oxygen (which she really didn't even need) was too big for her tiny nose, so they had to use that black eye patch thing (with velcro) to hold it on.  She had a little tube in her mouth and down her throat to get any of the fluid in her lungs and tummy out....and you can see she is just a tiny bit bigger than my hand.   They said she weighed 4 lbs 2 oz, but in reality it was more like 3 lbs and change.   37 weeks.

Once they removed all the stuff, we got a look at our little angel sent from heaven.  You have to remember, also, they were telling us that she could die at any minute and gave us zero hope.  "kidneys are small, and will go into failure"   Blah.   Blah.    Blah..

Lacey looks at these pictures now and laments, "You let me walk around the hospital in those pajamas?" and I think she looks amazing, considering she had just had a C-section and was up and around in a few hours.  (again, my hero)

I am going to share some of my most favorite pictures of those first days.  We took a bunch, because we honestly didn't think we would have her very long.

Hallie's little pigtails and her nose to nose contact with her sweet little niece...so much to love here.

This was the first of 2 million kisses I gave this baby.  2 million plus 2 million.  I could never get enough of her.  She liked it.

I need you to understand how extremely tiny she was.  Finding clothes for her was just enormously challenging.  There was a store in Northpark Mall that had micropreemie clothes.  That tiny little pink outfit cost like $38.  I know that might not seem like a lot to you, but preemie clothes at Walmart started at $3.88.   They swallowed her!  Thank goodness her grams sewed and stitched up her preemie clothes and gave our girl her own altered clothes!  Plus we discovered Bitty Baby doll clothes (from American Girl) fit her, too (and that's a pretty penny also)  I didn't care.  She was totally worth every penny.

Grammie helped Hallie buy this ridiculous giant balloon that had legs and looked like it could walk and if you bumped it, it obnoxiously sang "YOU GOT THE CUTEST LITTLE BABY FACE" and it was funny and loud, and exactly what we needed, as we kept getting bad news and worst case scenarios.   We found ourselves leaving the hospital, having to leave our princess behind, and for the heartsick mama, loading up all our stuff and taking that balloon on the cart with all our things, it seemed like everytime we started to tear up and cry, thinking about leaving our baby there, that stupid balloon would AUTOMATICALLY start singing.   Without prompting.   Just "YOU GOT THE CUTEST LITTLE BABY FACE" and we would bust out laughing.   And I'm serious,  ALL.  The.  WAY.  HOME....that balloon would just randomly sing.    It got us through.

The next day, the doctors decided that they couldn't do anything more for her there and they sent her home with us on hospice.  I have never in my LIFE been more nervous about anything in my life.  The had to pad the carseat with washrags around Laynie, to bulk her up, to fit in the straps, and off we went, with the tiniest baby in the world, not knowing what the next 10 minutes would bring, with the final command,  "If you have her in two weeks, take her to the pediatrician".

Two weeks later, after we had already "fired" hospice, the pediatrician holds her with one hand and turns her every which way and declares, "Little Miss, you are going to write your own story",  and he was oh.  so.   right.

The little baby that wasn't suppose to be born.   Go home.   Live two weeks.  Live a month.  Live six months. 

Defied all the odds.

Never had the words of a song had so much meaning for me.  I finally understood what it meant by God watching even the tiniest sparrow.   I knew that His presence was in our home, surrounding that baby, every second of every single day.  He was there.  

About this time, one of the most significant miracles happened on this journey.  The house right next door went up for sale  (the neighbor knocking on my door to tell me he was going to repair the fence, because he was going to list it next week, and me asking if he would knock some $ off, if he didn't list it and I did all the paperwork (I was a realtor at the time) and he knocked $20k off the top and three weeks later I had new neighbors!!!) GOD IN ACTION.

 

Her most favorite place (and mine too) was tucking up and hanging out in my warm robe, right up next to me.

Guys, I've never felt softer skin, heard sweeter sounds, witnessed such pure spirit, as I experienced with this little girl.   Truly an angel sent from heaven to teach us all.

As year one came roaring up on us.....we were truly learning the definition of BELIEVE.....

'to have a firm or wholehearted religious conviction or persuasion : to regard the existence of God as a fact'

Why should I feel discouraged??

Why do the shadows come??

Why should my heart feel lonely?

And long for heaven and home?

When Jesus is my portion, a constant friend is he..

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches over me.  

His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.  

I sing, because I'm happy.....
And I sing, because I'm free.....

His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.  

Lessons from an Angel

I will never forget when one of my friends, after meeting Laynie, asked me what her life would look like when she started kindergarten.

I was at a complete loss for words, because for Laynie's entire life, Lacey & I never projected forward.

Every day was a solid, 100% gift from God, and we lived intentionally with Laynie, cautiously optimistic, but never expecting any more that was given us day by day.

 We sat in wonder at the table on her first birthday and cried together, through smiles as the room sang Happy Birthday to our wonderful little miracle.

We allowed ourselves to breathe easier after that first birthday, relaxing because she was just a healthy, weird, tiny little baby, but when she got sick the following November, we remembered, in the hardest way, again, that every day was a gift.

When we celebrated Laynie's 2nd birthday, we had it early, as she had surgery the week of her birthday, and had a port placed, so blood transfusions would become so much easier for our tiny little warrior.

And she lived seven more miraculous months.

This is a hard picture for me, and I have never posted it before, as our sweet little sunshine baby, in her last days, her little gums and mouth would bleed, But I share it now because I see the gift in this picture... her joy and happiness even toward the end of her sweet little life.  Every  Single  Day  was a treasured Gift. 

Over the last few weeks, I've had a couple of my friends, confide in me that the babies soon to be in their lives, were suspected to have some differences. 

And they needed reassurance and hope that their stories would turn out ok.

Here is what I know.  Every single baby that is born, is a special gift.  Every one of them.  Some are big, some are small, some are early, some take their time and come way late, and some of the most very special of gifts, have their very own special stories. 

But, bottom line, they are all just babies....  They all have to be taken care of and loved, and nurtured and fed and changed.  Some of them just require some different stuff. 

It's not horrible.  It's not the worst thing that could happen.  Friends, it's just a different way of living.

I remember in the early days, the doc gave Lacey a precious writing, that we carried in our hearts, and still do to this day about Holland.  Those of you that have followed me for years, and all through the journey of Laynie know what I am talking about and can skip this next part, but for you new readers, these are the words that resonated with Lacey and our family during those early days when doubt and "what-if's" almost consumed us.

As for me, I can thank a tiny little girl for showing her Lolly the way to Jesus.    The miracles I saw, sometimes on a daily basis, in my life, through her mom and dad's lives, God showed up big over and over.  

Life isn't easy.  Sadness happens,  things change, life takes a new direction, I'm not just talking about a baby with differences, I am talking about divorce, job change, sickness, kids that take a different path, addiction, even death.    The only thing I know that will carry you through all the pain the world is going to throw at you, is your relationship with Jesus Christ.  It won't only come from sitting in a pew, or singing the songs, it will START there, but to really grow it, will require big FAITH (my word for the year) and earnestly SEEKING God.  Listen to worship music, read Youversion bible app every day, and pray and pray and pray ... earnestly SEEK Him, because He is there.  And only He can give you the peace you need to handle the storms of life.    There is NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING you cannot face, as long as you call out to Jesus to carry you through.  

And the most beautiful promise of all, is the promise of Heaven when we will see our loved ones again.  When someone I know passes away, I can't help but feel a twinge of homesickness myself, to see my Laynie, our friend Kannon, my grandma, my dad....Sandy Cannon (who I know is chasing Laynie around EVERYWHERE until I get there), all my favorite people that have left their earthly bodies and headed home.  What a glorious reunion. 

I watch Lacey with Laynie's little brothers, (and I even see glimpses of her in Jack),

and I watch Lacey work tirelessly at her nonprofit, helping families learn how to thrive and she helps SO MANY COTTON picking People.  I mean, really.  And, through it all, it's because of Laynie.  

Laynie made us better people.   Laynie taught us endless courage, boundless faith and ridiculous grace.   

She was special in every single way, and I wouldn't change any of it for the world.  I wouldn't change a thing.  

Don't be scared of the tough times, lean in to Jesus.   And who knows....maybe it will be you typing a blog, sharing with all your friends, and maybe they will know what to say and how to share when a trial comes their way.  

Never fear.... because

God is Good.  All the time.