I woke up this morning and I already had emails waiting. My village rocks my face off.
I armored myself with God's promises and walked onto the mission field.
Yesterday in court, it was all attorney strategy working. It wasn't feelings and emotion, it was all strategy. The emotions came from my little lovelies, seeing their parents for the first time in almost a year. And helping them overcome all the fear that consumes them, when they walk through those doors.
Today was different. I was different. Somewhere in the midst of the sadness of the "loss" for the kids, I felt peace. I arrived early (weird, I know) and the DA and kid's attorney both talked to me before court. They were ready to battle it out, but that was NOT what I wanted for my kids. They've battled enough, it's time to heal.
So, I offered a compromise. If mom wanted to take it to trial, ever seeing them again was never going to be an option. The pain and suffering the kids would go through, would tip me (and them) over the edge of ever being kind enough to continue a relationship with her. So, basically I offered her a settlement. If she wouldn't put them through the trauma (yet again), I would allow them to see her, on their terms. Phone calls, visits, overnight stays, those things MIGHT be options. Of course, she has to prove to me that she is healthy and the kids are in no danger, but I want her in their lives.
I did not start this process to adopt. I was going to be a revolving door of bringing in the broken, training them in what they needed, and sending them out armed with tools. That was my plan. As in all things, God LAUGHS at OUR plans. It's HIS plan, and HIS will, and HIS grace that gets us through. And God has a plan. I just have to be willing to hear it.
I was not happy with HIS plan for me today. Again, my goal was to push that baggage out of their lives and let them move forward with healing and no looking back. But as I wrestle with this, I realize that the older children will ALWAYS remember how traumatic it was, the little guy would not. I feel in keeping him from his mom, he may grow up resentful and always wondering why I took him away. Sure he would hear it from his siblings, but, first hand knowledge, he'd never remember. So this is a way to let him understand WHY the decision was made for them to live with me permanently and let mom be a "visitor", so to speak. Of course, all of this is off the table if she continues with an unhealthy lifestyle, and can't keep them safe.
No one poured into these children. So, who has poured into the mom? How will mom ever know more exists, if no one shows her? I've loved watching the process of the kids realizing how much more there is to life as they knew it. Mom deserves that chance too. So, if she really, really wants to get healthy, I will help her. Prayers for mom. She gave up her kids today. She was inconsolable in the courthouse. I finally, with tears pouring down my face, took her in her arms, and told her it would be ok. The kids would be safe, and everything was going to be ok. It was just words to her, but everyone in that courtroom knew I was serious. My caseworker said, "I can't believe you can do that." She is God's child, she just doesn't know it. Yet.
I can't forward think this. If I do, it's too much, too overwhelming. I will "WHAT IF" myself into a pysch unit. So, I'm learning from the gift of Laynie...today is what I have. What will I do today to make my life and my kids lives a better place? And today I chose forgiveness. And in doing that, I am on my way to making these three kids mine.
We go to court in July. Around the 10th if I remember ..... a new joyful memory to add to the playbook of my family's life. July 10, 2010...we lost a precious life.... fast forward to July 2014...we will be welcoming 3 new lives into the family.
AND WE ARE GOING TO PAR-TAY! I'm serious. It will be a party to beat all parties and everyone is invited!!!
I just have to repeat again ...... God is good, all the time.