Being Still

 Lacey came in from the early service this morning to visit with the boys and she was a mess.  "You're going to need kleenex"  she threw out to me.  

Oh boy.  I love crying in public.

Said no one ever.  

It's veteran's day this week and the church put together a slide show of the members that had served in the military so when my Hallie's face showed up on the screen, the tears began.  

Then Craig Groeschel brought church to church.  

To say I have been heartbroken, heart shattered, scared, angry and devastated for our nation for the last few days is just a tiny tiny way to put it into words.  Just lost and out of control.  

SO TIRED OF IT.  I've had on repeat, "God is not surprised, God is not surprised".  Still anxious.  

I could go into what Craig's word spoke to my heart here, but I want to share something else......

When Laynie almost died the first time, when she was 18 months old, and her hemoglobin got down to a 1.8, which if any of you are in healthcare, you know that is NOT enough to sustain a life.  But God sustained her and every single day that I woke up, I prayed a prayer of thanks that we had her another day.  

Not one minute of any of those days, was I concerned who was President of the USA.  Not one day.  And looking back, I don't even remember who was president.  Because our days go on, in spite of who is president.  It was important, oh so important, that we lived every single day like it was our very very last.   Living so out of control, not knowing what was going to happen with our tiny little love, it could have been so out of control and all of us could have spiraled out and gone off the rails so very very easy... but you know why we didn't?? 

Because GOD sits on the throne, and when you focus your life and your comings and goings on him, little else matters.  

Now yes, I am super concerned over what is going to happen to our freedom, and our rights and what this country is going to look like for my grandchildren and my great grandchildren.  I'm sure there are 72 million people out there worried as I am.  

But a few days ago, God called on me to be still.  And to unplug, and to just be.  

Be.   Still.   

and know that I AM GOD.  

If I hadn't been in God's pocket during those last few months of  Laynie's life, I couldn't have made it.  

He's asking me to crawl back in.  And to invite you to crawl back in with me. Because the peace that passeth all understanding is in there.  The loving your neighbor is in there, and the joy that comes in the morning is in there.  

The enemy is the only triumphant boaster in all of this.  He is reveling in the division.  He lives and breathes in the divide.  

We Have To Stop.  

It can't matter more than God's grace.  Because if we let it, the only winner in all of this chaos is Satan.

So don't be sore losers.  Don't be gloating winners.  No one benefits from this.  Forget  right/left....black/white.....socialism/freedom....... no one wins.  

NO ONE HAS WON if we all destroy each other in the process.  I love my friends I have had my whole life.  And some of them don't even speak to me any more.  

There aren't words for the amount of concern I have over the state of our beloved country.    

But as much concern as I carry inside of me, I HAVE to,  I MUST let my trust in God be more than my concern of this situation.  

He is for us, He is with us, in our pain and in our happiness.  

Please listen to this song and let the words wash over your spirit.  We WILL NOT  live in a spirit of fear.  We  will live in a spirit of Hope.  Of expectancy.  Of goodness and grace.   HE IS FOR YOU.  

LISTEN TO THIS

Because God is Good......All the Time.  

When God Isn't Surprised

When I was a kid, I worried a lot about the "end of time".  Growing up in a different religion, there was a lot of emphasis put on "going to hell" if you didn't follow the straight and narrow of the rules.  

Then as I've gotten older,  I understood that it wasn't fear that should make me seek Jesus, it was love.  

This past year has been something that many of us have never seen in our lifetimes.  The unrest, the uncertainty...it's just been a lot.  

I could spend this entire blog railing against what I believe is fraud that will change the course of the voting system of this country forever,  that is going on RIGHT in front of our eyes, but instead I'm going to be what Jesus would want me to be and just speak some truth.

I've been trying to read through the bible this year, and I will admit, I have been super distracted.  I hit and miss, but this week, I gave  myself a sabbatical off of my most favorite social media app, because I was starting to act like someone I have not been in a long time, and picked up the bible instead.  

This day's reading landed me in Acts 16-18.  If you're not familiar with the bible, Paul is one of the biggest writers of the new testament.  His accountings of his journeys are comprised in many of the books in the NT.  Two things that stuck out in my head and made do a double take: (and I put these in Laura language, so show me some grace here)   Paul's about to go out on his second journey to spread the gospel of Jesus.  Now you have to know, he's not a super popular fellow with the Jewish (or any, if we are being honest) leaders.  In the first example, Paul is trying to speak and a slave girl that is demon possessed keeps interrupting him and he gets so tired of it, he calls on God to cast the demon out of her.  Well this doesn't make her the money making fortune telling machine she was, so they grab Paul and take him in front of the council and tell them that he is teaching things that are against "roman views".   They beat him and throw him in jail, where he spends the night singing worship songs. In the 10 cent comic store version, God makes the gates fly open and the guard gets saved. (you really should read it for yourself though because it's good stuff)   Paul continues on... and in the next city, the Jewish leaders become so enraged they (Acts 17:5) "Jewish leaders were jealous, they gathered some worthless fellows from the streets to form a mob and start a riot."   Now that sounds vaguely familiar.  

Here is the deal.  God isn't surprised by any of this.  NOT.  ONE.  BIT.   We want to be outraged and stomp our feet and scream for justice, but remember this, God is allowing this.  

I can't tell you how long and hard I prayed, crying and pleading with God to spare Laynie.  I begged for her life to be spared every day.  I didn't want her to die.  But God took her anyway, and it wasn't about her dying that was the story, it was how she lived.  And how she changed me, and in changing me, I shared her story and changed countless others.  

And now look at what a tiny baby that never spoke a word did.  She gave me insight and perspective to be able to help me get through what we are facing.  

Perspective is the most important thing we can keep in our tool belt right now.  You have to remember every single day that God is not surprised by any of this.  This country will be in more need of prayer and believers than ever before.  We are all going to have to put on the armor of Christ and live in it.  Oh my goodness, the weight of that armor!  It's all consuming.  But it is also, the most freeing way to live.  If you don't wrap yourself in the ways of the world, and keep your eyes on the prize of Jesus Christ, the armor becomes protection, instead of a weight.  And we all need to be wrapped in it, in the world that is coming.  

I don't feel like a worthy witness, but all I know is God wakes me up early and tells me these things.  He has me seek out people to call and text message to hear the truth.  He gives me words (when I truly don't think I have them) to encourage people and to speak truth into them.    

So go out and be a light.   There is so much division and unhappiness and bitter feelings.  I suffer them constantly.  I want to rail at the injustice.  But instead I'm going to seek truth and peace and try to help others find truth and peace.  

Put it in your hearts,  God isn't surprised by any of this.    

When you are Called and Don't know Why

 All my life, I have worked non stop to avoid conflict.  I mean, I will walk 47 blocks the other way to NOT have an argument with someone.  

So imagine my surprise (and dismay) when I've been led by the Higher Spirit to share posts about my support for President Trump.  

In 2016 I voted for him because I only thought he was lesser of two evils, and all I could think was "Oh boy, here we go, this will be fun."

Man,  I was wrong.

President Trump has delivered on almost every promise he made during his campaign.  He has exposed corruption, he has lifted restrictions, he has protected America, and he has given peace to countries that haven't had peace in decades.  

He has promised, and he has delivered. 

I'm not a political person.  At all.   My oldest children cannot believe (!) and just laugh when I talk politics with them now, because it is NOTHiNG I HAVE ever, EVER talked to them about.  Didn't care.  Didn't even give it a thought.  

So don't think I'm an old hack in the political world.   NOT AT ALL

Those first months, I was very skeptical of the President, his tweets would make me cringe, and his braggart, blow hard ways super annoyed me.   Why Can't He Just Be Normal?  I would lament to friends.  

But then, lets fast forward to President Trump's second year in office, WHEN I EXPERIENCED first hand-- when all the tax relief started hitting for the single moms.  

I've NEVER and I mean NEVER ever had tax relief.  As a single mom that made ok money, I paid in at least 35-40% tax without fail.  And then at tax refund time, I would get back around 3-4% if I was really lucky.   So paying taxes and doing tax returns were always a biggggggg stress for me.  Then Trump's tax plan took effect.   I sweated out 2018, worrying if I was doing enough, did I fill out the W4 right?  I sold my house!  What about my exemptions?  How was I going to survive this?  And to my utter amazement, I got back a whopping 20% of my income in 2018, and at the advice of my accountant, held out zero taxes in 2019 and got back 12%!  It was C R A Z Y.  And such a relief, because housing and feeding and hauling and nurturing children is a LOT.  Especially alone.  So thank you President Trump.   You made that happen.  

With a kid in the military, it becomes paramount in importance to being at peace with other countries. I knew when she went in, that the likelihood of her having to be deployed was almost a certainty, but President Trump has calmed the storm.  Mainly because he's a brilliant strategist and he isn't a pushover.  The very thing that turns people off about him, makes him a beast at the negotiation table.  And Hello, anyone that think he's a joke........why is he nominated for not one, not two, not three but FOUR Nobel Peace Prizes?  How is the most "ridiculous" "overbearing" "non political" President, bringing peace to nations that others said WOULD never happen?    And making peace with so many adversaries,  This is something no one can refute. The "anonymous source" story about him calling military "suckers" and "losers".....just false.  This man revers the military.  He has done more for the military in his term than in decades.  Military veterans have good health care for the first time in I can't even recall.  He gave them all raises, and gave them new equipment, and is doing his utter best to get them ALL home from the Middle East

Everyone loves to throw his past at him and judge him by that.  Well, phew, don't look too closely at my past. Is anyone free from flaws?  I mean.....really.    I'm not asking this man to be my preacher at church, I'm not asking this man to walk the earth like Jesus..... I am asking this man to drain the swamp that Washington has become.  He has called out more main stream media, crooked politicians, he just takes absolutely no BS from anyone. WHAT OTHER KIND OF MAN could do that?  A soft talker? A career politician that talks out of both sides of his mouth? So  Does that make him a bully?   If I had to have someone standing up for me to keep me alive, to keep my family safe, to keep a wolf from my door, I  want someone that isn't  afraid to go to bat and say some pretty crazy, obnoxious things in order to protect me.  I would want someone willing to take a bullet for me, and I believe this man does that. He stands between Americans and socialism and he fights to keep us safe.  And if you don't believe that, you are kidding yourself.   And the man doesn't take one penny to do it.  He donates his salary every quarter to a different charity.  Oh my goodness I hear it already,  "Well he's a millionaire, he doesn't need it."  Listen, as much crap and lies and BS thrown at him and his family, if anyone deserves to take a paycheck for his hard work, with little or no appreciation, it's Donald Trump.   AND HE DOESN'T.  They show him signing his check over to a worthy cause, and doing it without even blinking an eye.  Only Three presidents have done that before.   Most presidents use their power to make more money.  Not this man, because he doesn't need it.  He already Has It.  And his one goal, is to make this country great again.  FOR US, for our children, for our grandchildren.

I posted what I thought was a pretty funny post on my facebook about President Trump going to have his mic turned off at the debates, and the signs I thought he should carry on stage to use as they cut off his mic  (he didn't need signs, turned out, he destroyed all on his own and just brought the house down with his solid answers and class act) HOWEVER, the COMMENTS on my post.  Whew.  The hate.  I try as hard as I can to keep it civil on my page.  I normally listen and reply with an "I love ya but boy do we disagree on this", but the hits just kept on coming.  Crazy accusations, ALL of them unfounded, just words of unhappy people, fueled by a corrupt main stream media, because let's face it,  If there were SOMETHING out there, it would have been found, and this man wouldn't be president, because I promise everything about him has been scrutinized and put under a microscope and looked at in every direction, looking for a crack, a flaw, ANYTHING to condemn him.  Nothing but bad press.   And still...... is he blameless?  Did he live a faultless life?   Uhm, No.  Have any of us?  The man is trying to clean the swamp, and swamp animals aren't the friendliest beasts.  They hiss and bite, and strike out and aim to kill.  Swamp animals don't like light, they like the dark, where they can hide and live with secrets.   President Trump brings the light.  The light isn't welcome, so the light must go.   With any lie, at any cost.    And boy, I felt the sting.   But whoa, I have some solid friends,  rushing to protect me, stand with me, take the heat and the weight of the anger and hatred.  And, by standing my truth, I lost some of my "friends".  

Anyway.  

I'm NOT a political person.  I am a PASSIONATE person.  I believe in God.  I believe in the sanctity of life.  I believe in prayer in schools, and the right to assemble in church.   I believe in owning a gun to protect your family.  I believe in strict laws to protect this people of this country.  I believe in law enforcement and the military.  I believe in love and compassion.  If you don't believe that all the things I just shared, are being taken away from you, inch by inch....you aren't paying attention.  

We, as Christians, need to be praying non stop prayers for our President and this country.  We need to put a hedge of protection around him like no other.  The enemy is working so hard in this country and feels to be winning.  WE cannot be the silent majority anymore.  God calls us to be HIS people, and HIS people need to be praying for a free country.   We have to pray without ceasing over this election and God's will.  We cannot be lax in our prayers.  This is the most critical time in history, right now.  My kids don't understand why I've gone so nuts over this.  Because I believe God called me to go nuts.  He has called on me a few times, and when I listen and be obedient, I see great things happen. 

Pray. Without. Ceasing.  

This has been weighing on me for awhile.  We have to be bold now.  We have to stand up for what is good and what is right and what is necessary.  We have to be Bold like never before. 

Believe me, I know I'm going to take some heat for this.  I will hear "Plenty" when I share it.  

But I trust in Him.  He showed me his goodness and mercy through a tiny baby that He is Good, and He alone is our Portion.  Let's never forget.  Pray a hedge of protection around our President.  

God is Good, Through all of the Storm,  All The time.  

It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times

2020 has been gnarly.

Hallie came home three days for spring break and ended up getting to stay home almost 4 1/2 months.  What an unexpected gift.  The gift of slowing down and being back together again.

It was crazy it took a pandemic to do that.  As the cases are soaring, and everyone's anxiety level is creeping up,  I just want to bring you into my little bit of crazy that has happened at my house. 

I try to be transparent now, as a time in my life, I hid my whole life from everyone and made some pretty messed up choices.  Good things came out of those messed up choices, so I don't regret the decision.....but now I choose to live transparent.  Everyday.

When Kip was just a year old, and I had breastfed her for almost the whole year, I found myself woefully "unendowed" at the end of the breastfeeding journey.  Back in 1989, Pamela Lee Anderson was running down the beach, all endowed and beautiful, and several of my friends were getting implants, and made it seem like a "no big deal- high reward" type deal.  A co-worker had them put in on Friday and was back to work on Monday like "look at me", so I jumped on the bandwagon.  In 1989, in Norman I had a plastic surgeon put two polyurethane silicone breast implants into my body and finally had boobs for the first time in my life. 

I even remember when the doctor talked about them, he said "In 30 years you will probably have to have them replaced" and I foolishly said, (and I remember this)  "I will deal with it when I'm 59".  How damn dumb.   I mean.  I could say a LOT to my 29 year old self these days, for sure.  And I'm pretty sure I would't listen any better to my 59 year old self than I did to anyone else, but for the love. 

I was one of the lucky ones.  A girlfriend that had them put in same time as me, had to have her implants removed within two years, due to immediately showing signs of lupus and rheumatoid arthritis.   Didn't even faze me.  Didn't even make me think about it... I wasn't having problems, why should that affect me in any way? 

Fast forward to 2011.  My doctor has long been out of the picture and I've ran in and out of another plastic surgeons office every 5 years or so for my "followup" and this time, I'm starting to have joint pain.  I ask the PS about removing them and just being a tiny chest for the rest of my life, and he told me "I wouldn't ever deform you in that way.  the only way I take them out, if is I put them right back in".  So, dream squashed. 

Over the next few years, I start having health issues, nothing anything any doctor can tie to, just random, odd things.   I don't connect the dots...... at all. 

Then this past March, a friend posts on facebook for prayers and me being the nosy nelly that I am, private messages her and asks whats happening.   She tells me she has BII (Breast Implant Illness) and is going in to get her implants removed and can hardly wait.   I can hardly believe what I am hearing because a) I've been in denial for so long  b) a PS will actually TAKE THEM OUT?  She sends me tons of information and puts me on a facebook page, and lo and behold after two solid hours on this page and reading hundreds of posts from ladies experiencing EVERy SINGLE WEIRDO symptom that I have struggled with for the last 8 years.....I just cry. 

I didn't think I was ever going to feel good again.  I just figured this was how life turns out and I was old and that we just had to live with what we were given. 

I make an appointment with her doctor and go in for a consultation, and the weirdest thing is, I never have money.  I mean...I have a zillion kids and they are all at home right now and eating their weight in food and drink daily, so money isn't high on my list of things I have.  Right before I go to see this doctor, two very important things happened....and I had EXACTLY the amount of money I needed to have to have this surgery done.   THE   EXACT    AMOUNT

God  is Good. 

I had heard it would take months for him to get me on his schedule because of the enormous amount of women flocking to his office now, seeking relief, and to my utter amazement (except not really, God was so involved) he had time for me 3 weeks after my initial consult.  I scheduled my surgery and went home to wait.  I prayed over all the kids daily to keep Covid at bay.  Hallie is still at home, and I'm praying she can stay and help me recuperate, but last minute changes have her heading out the day before I am to go.   Then Jackson comes down with Hand Foot and Mouth (An entire other blog in itself) so now Lacey is going to be unable to go with me to the surgery.   Because I have an incredible village, my friend Kim Daniels hears what is going on and just volunteers on the spot to be my wingman.  I encourage her to remember that even on my best of sober days, I can embarrass all of us in a single leap, and under anesthesia, all bets are off, and this still doesn't deter her in any way. She grabs me from my house, drives me to the hospital, keeps me entertained with her stories and before I know it, the doc has me standing in front of him, writing all over me with sharpies, and I'm being wheeled into the operating room.  One of the nurses leaned over and grabbed my hand and said, "I had mine out 8 years ago, and it was the best decision of my life".   I count backwards and then wake up in the recovery room where I scream about body parts feeling on fire and throw up in a bag without ceasing.  Found out the dinosaurs in my body, the right one had ruptured.   Kim had decided mid scream she would probably need to stay and help the vietnamese with their loopy mom, and seriously, don't know what I would have done without her.  She was the best thing in the world.  I was one sick mamba jamba.  Took 12 1/2 hours for the best part of the anesthesia to wear off, and I was throwing up most of that.  Terrible headache, but upside, no incision pain at all.  No pain meds, period. 

Another moment to be noted, my neck can get in a twisted mess in a hurry and make me sick too, so my masseuse loaded up his chair and drove to Shawnee and worked my neck out for me.  Such  Good.  People. 

Found out Friday that Gina had been directly exposed to Covid-19, so we all quarantined in our rooms over the weekend.  Due to that fact, Hallie was sent home on Saturday for another week.  We waited until this morning and Gina and Hallie both went to get tested, and their rapid tests came back negative.  PRAISE GOD.  Hallie had the antibody test ran as well, so we will know tomorrow those results. 

So, now she is here to help me navigate the drains coming out my body (Thank the Lord, she loves that kind of stuff, me? Not so much) and hopefully after my one week check in tomorrow, the doctor will see I am doing so great he will let me come in by the end of the week and get rid of these pesky, gross me out, drains.

So, why am I sharing all of this?  Because I know you ALL know someone that has implants.  In the late 80's through now, soooooooo many women think this is something that isn't GOING TO AFFECT Them at ALL and I'm here to tell you....IT IS.

Breast Implant Illness is real and alive and kicking.  I was so relieved to read the symptoms and realize I wasn't going crazy. 

I feel good.  I haven't had pain meds since the hospital scream LOL, I'm controlling with tylenol.  Things I noticed right away was all the neuropathy in my feet and hands that I feel at night is gone.  G O N E.   After my initial neck pain (that my masseuse helped with), even propped up in a horrendous position, my neck pain is decreased.  I expect more things to resolve and I am so thankful that FINALLY a plastic surgeon said These Things are making women sick, and I will take them out of their bodies and not require them to put them back in. 

SO THANKFUL.   It's not all in your head....it's in your chest, and it's making you sick. 

Friends don't let friends get breast implants. 

They just don't. 

 

10 years an angel

I woke up this morning to the realization that it's been 10 years since we lost Laynie to this earth.

It seems like yesterday in some ways, and a lifetime ago in others.

My first grandchild.  My only granddaughter.

Everyone around me is so freaked out about the coronavirus.  The unknown.  The uncertainty.  The scariness of the "not knowing".

Let me introduce you to the one that taught me ALL about all those things.

This living doll wasn't even suppose to survive past birth, much less live through 2 birthdays.  She taught me that life isn't about all the stuff, it's about all the love and faith in God and believing in something bigger than what is right in front of your nose.

If Laynie hadn't taught me that God is in control.....I mean MASSIVE control, that nothing in this world doesn't HAPPEN for a reason, I probably would be freaking out about all our circumstances now too.

However.  As many hours as I spent in prayer over this tiny girl, I finally understood what no church could make me understand.....that my relationship with Jesus Christ would sustain me through it all.  Jesus would be with me Through the pain of watching her stop making red blood cells.  Through the pain of watching my daughter lose her precious baby girl that she had prayed and fought for.  He was with me through the pain of losing Laynie and beside me as I walked through those lonely, sad days.

God is always there.

And without learning it first hand from her journey, I wouldn't be able to sit here and tell you that no matter what ...... you make it through.   It's been 10 years and while I can't say it was all sunshine and roses.....  Our family has thrived.   Lacey has a new marriage and two healthy, ornery boys.  She has taken her masters degree, and instead of banking dollars, she helps countless families learn how to be better parents, and is changing generations at her non profit, Legacy Parenting Center.     I took all my sadness and heartache and poured it into fostering, expanding my family in more ways than I could ever imagine.    Hallie has a foundation that she draws from in every trial of her life.   We are all profoundly different.

And it's because of her life.  The life they wanted us to terminate.  The life we would have missed had we listened to the doctors.

I say that the time we had with Laynie was anointed.  I read the stuff I wrote during her life and I was so in God's pocket I don't even know where those words came from.   I miss those times.  I miss Laynie.  My precious little bald headed, loud mouth baby

Granddaughter, I know I will see you again.  I see your face in your brothers.  I hear your voice in Jack's laughter.  I feel your heart in your mom's hugs.   Thank you for leading me to Jesus.  Thank you for your life and on this 10th year of you getting your angel wings.... I still think of you everyday and tell everyone I meet about you.  And I always will. 

I will see you again, my darling Laynie Hope......

                                                                                Forever and a day....   Your Lolly

Bitterness is an Ugly Pill

I've been so bitter.

Months I have wasted being bitter.

It started as I moved from Pepper's Ranch last July.

I left that place angry and bitter and holding a grudge.

I attended my 40th year class reunion this past July, and I was so wrapped in anger and bitterness and worry and crap factory attitude, I didn't even enjoy the people I love so much in this world, I was so mired in bitterness.

Oh there were moments of wonderfulness wound into the pain, but my heart had hardened and it seemed like I couldn't find goodness in anything.

I find myself so far from God.

Before corona, my family didn't miss a Sunday in church.  Even in the bitterness, God was still working in me, and every Sunday I would leave with a better attitude, and by Monday night, tuesday morning.....here came the bitterness.

Last week, as I was given the opportunity to attend corporate church again, I took myself and sat myself in the chair and listened to Pastor Craig talk about Being Positive.

Sure.

The music filled my heart and the message made me squirm, but this whole week I have wrestled.

Today, I listened to Pastor Trevor speak and I finally put all the pieces together.

I'm tired of being the Devil's pawn.  I'm tired of not speaking my truth.  I'm tired of being bitter.  I want to wash that down the drain, and get back in the bible and find the truth.

I have no idea how people that don't love and seek and desire Jesus are making it through this turmoil that we call life in 2020.   The political unrest, the racial unrest, the health scare, the murder bees, the locust plague threat, the economy uncertainty.

HOW DO WE FACE ALL THIS UNCERTAINTY WITH ANY KIND OF HOPE?

Jesus Christ says, "Come and I will give you rest"

The Bible says:   Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with WHAT YOU HAVE, because God has said,  "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."  Hebrews 13:5-6

I remember growing up and being so fearful of the "end of times".  All the scariness, all the unknown.  I want to dig in Revelations and start really internalizing that, because friends, this all feels like the end times.

And no amount of money, or status is going to give you everlasting life.   That is only going to be through forgiveness and believing in our Lord.

Don't think for a minute that the enemy isn't pursuing your heart.  He isn't going to be scary and show up with horns and a pitchfork, he's going to seek you with all the things your heart desires most.

He right now as I am typing is trying to make me doubt that I should write this.  What does it matter?  Who will it reach?   Your words are insignificant.   He is a master of self-doubt and pursuer of your bitterness and anger.   He's had me right where he wants me for MONTHS. 

NO MORE SATAN.   You have no power here.  You have no power over my children.  I renounce you and your bitterness.   I have the BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST flowing through my veins and I will NOT BE AFRAID.

I will live full out.  I will LOVE without boundaries.   I will be QUICK to love and SLOW to anger.

Today and EVERYDAY, I WILL CHOOSE JESUS. 

Living through Corona

When all the hysteria started in China, I was a bit concerned but nothing out of the ordinary.  I don't listen to a lot of news (because most of it is sensationalized BS) and I know if anything is really serious, I will get a call from my mama and she will inform me immediately.   It's how I roll. 

So last Thursday (March 12) Hallie & I drove out of Shawnee, with the vision of driving her vehicle to NYC, because as a 2nd semester junior, they are allowed to have vehicles at West Point after spring break..... so the plan was me riding shotgun to NYC, and then jumping on a plane and heading  back to OKC.   Easy Breasy.   RIGHT?

We had just barely pulled out of the driveway, when the proverbial S?%! hit the fan.

Road Trip 2020

It was already becoming a thing before we left.  People panic purchasing and wiping out toilet paper everywhere.   I took this picture at Walmart on Wednesday, trying to actually find TOILET PAPER FOR THE WEEK, not 275 years of hoarding toilet paper, and found this one ply scott wanna be at walmart.  20 rolls of it left.   I bought 4.  Unfortunately, with one ply that's about what it takes for just one of my boys to wipe their butts once.  I'm still not sure of 1 ply's purpose.  But I digress.  INSANE.

So, on with the adventure.  We knew corona was a thing, due to the grocery store panic, so our battle plan was to stick to ourselves, stay in the car, use a lot of my homemade hand sanitizer, and just wash our hands every time we got out of the car.  As we got close to our first night's stop (Nashville), Hallie got the email from West Point, cancelling school until 29 March.  (I love talking in military talk, seems so legit when I do it).  Hmm.  Hallie vacillates between elation, and doomsday pretty much in a roller coaster fashion until I am suffering from whiplash of the highest magnitude.  We stop, I make some quick calls to my people that guide me through life, and after thinking it through, I tell her, "We are going to turn around and go home".   We had been thinking we would power on through, and at least get her car there, and have her fly home with me, but as fast as things were changing that day, (And I mean CHANGING SO FAST), we decided best course of action was to turn around and drive home.  And I'm here to tell you driving 10 hours on I-40 east one day and 10 hours on I-40 west the next day, is right up there in the TOP 10 most exciting 2 days of my life. 

I'm super relieved we did that, because as of yesterday, West Point has even lifted the 29 March deadline to return, and conducting virtual learning through the internet web.  (I'm showing my internet savvy here).   Now, remember I have been in this house about 6 months and Hallie hasn't lived with me in 2 moves and 3 years, so what kind of living situation are we in right now?  Suitcases and bunking with mom.  NO bueno.

Discussed the magnitude of her probably being home until who knows when, we ventured out into the covid-19 masses and bought her a bed and set her up her own room upstairs, complete with desk and work area.  She is in heaven.   I made hamburgers for lunch yesterday, and carried her one up to her, during class and handed it to her, and she later told me that "It was the best day of my life".  LOL
Doesn't take much to make her happy. 

Meanwhile these very hilarious memes made my days, the last week.

So the hilarious factor has been on-point during the last week.  I went to work one day, and of course, with everyone being urged to stay at home, NO one is wanting to see me right now, so there is the small panic in my heart of no income.  BUT, I am staying hopeful, and I know who is in control.  The same one that made this INCREDIBLE sunset we were able to see night before last. 

There are so many theories and worries and what-if's.   One of my friends literally had strep throat, and after going to urgent care and finding out (relieved, lol "wasn't the "rona") she only had strep, I've really been listening to the WIDE and varying reports of ALL THE things. 

Here's what I think.  (which I am only Lolly, and an observer at best)  I appreciate the Quarantine.  I understand the quarantine.  WHAT ABOUT THE QUARANTINE are people NOT understanding?  This is the most no nonsense article I read for what is happening and EVERYONE should do it.

I think most of us will get this and never know it.  It mimics allergies/upper respiratory/flu.  We've all survived that.  What I'm most worried about, is the spread.   If we stay home, and don't get around other people (I know THIS IS RIDICULOUSLY hard to do), we can Flatten The Curve.  (another government term).  We have to Flatten the Curve.  I have senior citizens that are so susceptible, I have young grandsons that are so susceptible, I have friends with new babies, friends with special needs children.  We all know someone that this virus could kill.   So please for the love of all that is holy, STAY HOME. 

And DON'T PANIC.  If you feel symptomatic, stay away from your family and self quarantine.  Gargle your throat with warm salt water at the first sign of a sore throat.  This virus HATES heat.  (this is why I personally think Lacey will not get this because she drinks 12.6 gallons of coffee per day, in order to keep up with all the boys in her life).  I on the other hand, drink 12.6 gallons of iced sweet tea per day (with the 'rona will probably LOVE too), and am taking strides to remember to gargle with warm salt water in the morning and in the night.  I haven't been washing my hands as much as I should, since I've been home, but I may even take that up a notch too. 

Remember, you may not even KNOW YOU HAVE IT, and if you GO OUT AND  SPREAD IT (because you only have allergies, yo), and give it to someone's grandma.....  stay home and play games.  I forced myself to play Phase 10 with Hal and the boys last night, and other than Zach almost being taken out with his use of "Skip" cards, it was pretty fun.   Get back to basics.  It's been hard to be cheerful about all of this, with the monsoon rains that happened ON TOP of being quarantined, you couldn't even send kids outside in the back yard.  Now, with the NO SCHOOL thing firmly in place for the near future, we have to go old school.   This is more for me than you, believe me, we have binge watched tv most of the week (and being transparent, not seeing that changing either), but with the advent of warmer, better weather, we are going to go walk at the airport track (away from people), we are going to work in our yard, we are going to clean closets, and take time to go through all the crap in the garage and see what we really have and need. 

Disney & Kennedy Space Center Free Stuff
Authors reading books, pretty neat

SO THERE ARE THINGS TO DO.   I made my kids watch and scared all my kids with the movies, Outbreak and Contagion, so now they are completely content to stay inside.  I probably wouldn't recommend this for everyone, but it worked for me. 

Just think, in 20 years, this will be something they talk about in history classes.  We are making history here, let's embrace what IS, and move forward. 

And remember, most of all, and in all things............God is Good, All the Time. 

Honoring the Mama on her Angel's 12th birthday

Lacey's word for 2020 is "Brave".  I would argue that she is the bravest person I know.

You know when you have your own kids, you always wonder first of all, how in the world are you going to raise these tiny humans, and later, I hope they turn into great adults.

My tiny human, my first born, wasn't given that luxury with her first born.  She was handed a decision so huge for a 23 year old.   She told doctors no when they told her to terminate.  She boldly walked into the unknown, and I watched in magnificent awe as she and Laynie built their story.

My role was head cheerleader, lead historian and comic relief.  I made sure Lacey always knew I had her back and every word out of my mouth was "It will be ok"! (with a little fist pump and high kick).  As historian,  I wrote and recorded EVERY SINGLE thing that happened with our girl, even though sometimes it was hard for Lacey to give me permission to write about everything (the good, the bad and the ugly)  in our lives, I think her allowing me to share the journey impacted thousands of people.  Comic relief speaks for itself.

When Lacey was about 2 years in to college, she came to me and told me she wanted to change her major.  I was floored because my order driven, numbers loving, calculator brain accountant daughter, who had wanted to do something with math for as long as I known her, told me she was changing her major to Child Development.  "I don't know why, mom, but I feel I need to do this"

To say I was stunned by this turn of events might be a small understatement.  I'm pretty sure I used terms like "Glorified Babysitter" and "No money" and "YOU WANT TO DO WHAT" to her, all at the same time and maybe for the course of a few weeks after the big announcement.

HOWEVER, without me knowing it, God already had HIS plan in motion for her.  Lacey was being obedient to HIS calling.

Because in 4 short years, she would be using all the things she had learned and she would be learning, hands on, even more...... every single day.

Lacey was so brave.  She faced unknowns with her girl, and met them head on.  She stayed relentless in her pursuit of keeping Laynie safe and healthy, and because of her talent and expertise, Laynie lived longer (than any doctor expected) ....  and happier ..... and SO VERY LOVED and adored.

Little scamp reached up to kiss her and flat out bit her mama.  

They were best buds.

Lacey was teaching her sign language when she got sick, and she had little cards to show Laynie pictures of mama, milk, juice, dada, bath.... all the things.  After Laynie had passed, and I thought I had done an OK job of putting things away, just to help ease some of that pain..... .. Lacey didn't feel like she could be called a mom anymore.  (man this is hard to type, because those were hard days, aching for my daughter who was the best mom in the world, with her baby in heaven) and I kept telling her, "You will always be a mom...you are her mom".   and in her doubting pain, on Mother's day the year after Laynie died,  she was moving some towels in the bathroom, or was moving books, I can't remember exactly, but she found the sign language card for "mama", and Lacey said, "It was like God sent me a sign".   

People share with me, their struggles and their pain, and their worries and I have to tell you that sometimes life's not easy, it's SO flippin' HARD and the decisions and the choices and the fear of loss can consume you, but God promises us He is by our side and will never leave us.  The key is... Being Brave and meeting it head on, because you know GOD has your back...even in the ashes, He is There. 

But this blog for Laynie on her birthday, is more about her Mama and what she has done with her life since the gift of Laynie.   I want you to see how God's hand is ALL up in it.....  

Lacey worked for Children's Hospital Foundation (children's miracle network in oklahoma) for several years after Laynie died.  She learned invaluable tools about non-profit.  She also got her master's during this time.   She learned all things non-profit and grant writing and fundraising, and what that looked like.  Loved her job, loved her people, loved sharing Laynie with all her clients and families.  It got her through the loss of her marriage, the loss of her baby, a move to a new place.... CMN was vital as breathing to her during those days.   God carried her through, and she bravely moved on.   It was through CMN she met Tyler Lacey's blog about Tyler (if you want to revisit that incredible story)

When she ended up marrying Tyler and moving back to Shawnee, it became clear driving back and forth to the other side of Oklahoma City wasn't in the cards, so she started the hunt in Shawnee, and there wasn't much in the job department,  she ended up working at the DA's office.  She learned about the court system, and how to spell subpoena and also how to write one.  She learned all about the system and how it worked.  Many days she wondered why God had led her there.  

The job at Legacy was one she had considered when she first moved to Shawnee, but it didn't work out and now, looking back, God even had his hand in that.  She needed to work in that DA office, to have the experience of the court system, and see how all that works, because with that in her tool belt, she was ready to go and take that knowledge, so when families came in and they were wherever in the legal system of getting kids, or fighting to get kids back, Lacey knows how to help them.  Without that "why in the world am I here" time down at the courthouse, Lacey wouldn't have had the skills to make Legacy Parenting Center into the incredible place it is today.

It's crazy how God works.  He puts you in places and situations you don't really understand, to build you up and put you in places you won't believe you GET to be in. 

Legacy's website

And on Laynie's birthday, I think this is the perfect time to ASK if any of you have time to volunteer.  Lacey has a plethora of different opportunities at Legacy, where you can be as hands on as sitting in, loving on and mentoring families, or as quick and easy as running by and picking up donations, taking them to your house to wash and fold.  And she ALWAYS, ALWAYS needs volunteers.   You may think you are busy and don't have time to give an hour or two a week, (THAT'S IT!)  but I am here to tell you, when you start doing things for others, outside of all of "YOUR own STUFF", that's when life gets really good.  And there isn't anything more important than helping empower families to become strong families in our community.  Legacy has an adorable "store" where families can "shop" with the points they earn taking their lessons. If you like retail, volunteer there!   They give out diapers, and more diapers and even more diapers. Not a people person??  Count out diapers and shrink wrap them into packs for families.  I'm telling you, this place... It's just amazing.  And did I mention she ALWAYS needs volunteers?  And your kid's gently used clothing, and toys.  Don't think there isn't a place for you.  There is ALWAYS someways to help....  If you are retired, work part-time, have time on your hands and wish you had a way to give back..... Hello, did you know Lacey needs volunteers at Legacy?  Have I mentioned that?? 

So when Lacey says her word for 2020 is "Brave" ......  watch OUT!  

Because God taught her all about being brave ..... In the form of a tiny miracle....

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  

Happy birthday, Layniebug !  So thankful for your miraculous life

and all the beautiful things you taught us.  

And look at me, still being your mama's biggest cheerleader !

Love you Forever and two days....

and miss you as much, 

your Lolly

Remembering an Angel- Year One

When Laynie was born, I actually was in the delivery room with Lacey because the doctor was pretty certain Laynie wouldn't live but a few minutes, and I really wanted to be there to see her and have those few stolen minutes with her.

I remember hearing her cry and seeing the most tiny of tiny baby, with her little backwards, tucked under her butt, feet.  Her little head was just a bit bigger than a Cutie orange and her little bitty body, just everything so small.

But the LOVE that overwhelmed my heart, nothing small about that.  The NICU was on a different floor than Lacey's, so I got in my steps those few days at Children's .... running up and down the stairs, because the elevator was too slow.

This looks really intimidating, but it really isn't when you know what you're looking at..... the cannula, giving her oxygen (which she really didn't even need) was too big for her tiny nose, so they had to use that black eye patch thing (with velcro) to hold it on.  She had a little tube in her mouth and down her throat to get any of the fluid in her lungs and tummy out....and you can see she is just a tiny bit bigger than my hand.   They said she weighed 4 lbs 2 oz, but in reality it was more like 3 lbs and change.   37 weeks.

Once they removed all the stuff, we got a look at our little angel sent from heaven.  You have to remember, also, they were telling us that she could die at any minute and gave us zero hope.  "kidneys are small, and will go into failure"   Blah.   Blah.    Blah..

Lacey looks at these pictures now and laments, "You let me walk around the hospital in those pajamas?" and I think she looks amazing, considering she had just had a C-section and was up and around in a few hours.  (again, my hero)

I am going to share some of my most favorite pictures of those first days.  We took a bunch, because we honestly didn't think we would have her very long.

Hallie's little pigtails and her nose to nose contact with her sweet little niece...so much to love here.

This was the first of 2 million kisses I gave this baby.  2 million plus 2 million.  I could never get enough of her.  She liked it.

I need you to understand how extremely tiny she was.  Finding clothes for her was just enormously challenging.  There was a store in Northpark Mall that had micropreemie clothes.  That tiny little pink outfit cost like $38.  I know that might not seem like a lot to you, but preemie clothes at Walmart started at $3.88.   They swallowed her!  Thank goodness her grams sewed and stitched up her preemie clothes and gave our girl her own altered clothes!  Plus we discovered Bitty Baby doll clothes (from American Girl) fit her, too (and that's a pretty penny also)  I didn't care.  She was totally worth every penny.

Grammie helped Hallie buy this ridiculous giant balloon that had legs and looked like it could walk and if you bumped it, it obnoxiously sang "YOU GOT THE CUTEST LITTLE BABY FACE" and it was funny and loud, and exactly what we needed, as we kept getting bad news and worst case scenarios.   We found ourselves leaving the hospital, having to leave our princess behind, and for the heartsick mama, loading up all our stuff and taking that balloon on the cart with all our things, it seemed like everytime we started to tear up and cry, thinking about leaving our baby there, that stupid balloon would AUTOMATICALLY start singing.   Without prompting.   Just "YOU GOT THE CUTEST LITTLE BABY FACE" and we would bust out laughing.   And I'm serious,  ALL.  The.  WAY.  HOME....that balloon would just randomly sing.    It got us through.

The next day, the doctors decided that they couldn't do anything more for her there and they sent her home with us on hospice.  I have never in my LIFE been more nervous about anything in my life.  The had to pad the carseat with washrags around Laynie, to bulk her up, to fit in the straps, and off we went, with the tiniest baby in the world, not knowing what the next 10 minutes would bring, with the final command,  "If you have her in two weeks, take her to the pediatrician".

Two weeks later, after we had already "fired" hospice, the pediatrician holds her with one hand and turns her every which way and declares, "Little Miss, you are going to write your own story",  and he was oh.  so.   right.

The little baby that wasn't suppose to be born.   Go home.   Live two weeks.  Live a month.  Live six months. 

Defied all the odds.

Never had the words of a song had so much meaning for me.  I finally understood what it meant by God watching even the tiniest sparrow.   I knew that His presence was in our home, surrounding that baby, every second of every single day.  He was there.  

About this time, one of the most significant miracles happened on this journey.  The house right next door went up for sale  (the neighbor knocking on my door to tell me he was going to repair the fence, because he was going to list it next week, and me asking if he would knock some $ off, if he didn't list it and I did all the paperwork (I was a realtor at the time) and he knocked $20k off the top and three weeks later I had new neighbors!!!) GOD IN ACTION.

 

Her most favorite place (and mine too) was tucking up and hanging out in my warm robe, right up next to me.

Guys, I've never felt softer skin, heard sweeter sounds, witnessed such pure spirit, as I experienced with this little girl.   Truly an angel sent from heaven to teach us all.

As year one came roaring up on us.....we were truly learning the definition of BELIEVE.....

'to have a firm or wholehearted religious conviction or persuasion : to regard the existence of God as a fact'

Why should I feel discouraged??

Why do the shadows come??

Why should my heart feel lonely?

And long for heaven and home?

When Jesus is my portion, a constant friend is he..

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches over me.  

His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.  

I sing, because I'm happy.....
And I sing, because I'm free.....

His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.