It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times

2020 has been gnarly.

Hallie came home three days for spring break and ended up getting to stay home almost 4 1/2 months.  What an unexpected gift.  The gift of slowing down and being back together again.

It was crazy it took a pandemic to do that.  As the cases are soaring, and everyone's anxiety level is creeping up,  I just want to bring you into my little bit of crazy that has happened at my house. 

I try to be transparent now, as a time in my life, I hid my whole life from everyone and made some pretty messed up choices.  Good things came out of those messed up choices, so I don't regret the decision.....but now I choose to live transparent.  Everyday.

When Kip was just a year old, and I had breastfed her for almost the whole year, I found myself woefully "unendowed" at the end of the breastfeeding journey.  Back in 1989, Pamela Lee Anderson was running down the beach, all endowed and beautiful, and several of my friends were getting implants, and made it seem like a "no big deal- high reward" type deal.  A co-worker had them put in on Friday and was back to work on Monday like "look at me", so I jumped on the bandwagon.  In 1989, in Norman I had a plastic surgeon put two polyurethane silicone breast implants into my body and finally had boobs for the first time in my life. 

I even remember when the doctor talked about them, he said "In 30 years you will probably have to have them replaced" and I foolishly said, (and I remember this)  "I will deal with it when I'm 59".  How damn dumb.   I mean.  I could say a LOT to my 29 year old self these days, for sure.  And I'm pretty sure I would't listen any better to my 59 year old self than I did to anyone else, but for the love. 

I was one of the lucky ones.  A girlfriend that had them put in same time as me, had to have her implants removed within two years, due to immediately showing signs of lupus and rheumatoid arthritis.   Didn't even faze me.  Didn't even make me think about it... I wasn't having problems, why should that affect me in any way? 

Fast forward to 2011.  My doctor has long been out of the picture and I've ran in and out of another plastic surgeons office every 5 years or so for my "followup" and this time, I'm starting to have joint pain.  I ask the PS about removing them and just being a tiny chest for the rest of my life, and he told me "I wouldn't ever deform you in that way.  the only way I take them out, if is I put them right back in".  So, dream squashed. 

Over the next few years, I start having health issues, nothing anything any doctor can tie to, just random, odd things.   I don't connect the dots...... at all. 

Then this past March, a friend posts on facebook for prayers and me being the nosy nelly that I am, private messages her and asks whats happening.   She tells me she has BII (Breast Implant Illness) and is going in to get her implants removed and can hardly wait.   I can hardly believe what I am hearing because a) I've been in denial for so long  b) a PS will actually TAKE THEM OUT?  She sends me tons of information and puts me on a facebook page, and lo and behold after two solid hours on this page and reading hundreds of posts from ladies experiencing EVERy SINGLE WEIRDO symptom that I have struggled with for the last 8 years.....I just cry. 

I didn't think I was ever going to feel good again.  I just figured this was how life turns out and I was old and that we just had to live with what we were given. 

I make an appointment with her doctor and go in for a consultation, and the weirdest thing is, I never have money.  I mean...I have a zillion kids and they are all at home right now and eating their weight in food and drink daily, so money isn't high on my list of things I have.  Right before I go to see this doctor, two very important things happened....and I had EXACTLY the amount of money I needed to have to have this surgery done.   THE   EXACT    AMOUNT

God  is Good. 

I had heard it would take months for him to get me on his schedule because of the enormous amount of women flocking to his office now, seeking relief, and to my utter amazement (except not really, God was so involved) he had time for me 3 weeks after my initial consult.  I scheduled my surgery and went home to wait.  I prayed over all the kids daily to keep Covid at bay.  Hallie is still at home, and I'm praying she can stay and help me recuperate, but last minute changes have her heading out the day before I am to go.   Then Jackson comes down with Hand Foot and Mouth (An entire other blog in itself) so now Lacey is going to be unable to go with me to the surgery.   Because I have an incredible village, my friend Kim Daniels hears what is going on and just volunteers on the spot to be my wingman.  I encourage her to remember that even on my best of sober days, I can embarrass all of us in a single leap, and under anesthesia, all bets are off, and this still doesn't deter her in any way. She grabs me from my house, drives me to the hospital, keeps me entertained with her stories and before I know it, the doc has me standing in front of him, writing all over me with sharpies, and I'm being wheeled into the operating room.  One of the nurses leaned over and grabbed my hand and said, "I had mine out 8 years ago, and it was the best decision of my life".   I count backwards and then wake up in the recovery room where I scream about body parts feeling on fire and throw up in a bag without ceasing.  Found out the dinosaurs in my body, the right one had ruptured.   Kim had decided mid scream she would probably need to stay and help the vietnamese with their loopy mom, and seriously, don't know what I would have done without her.  She was the best thing in the world.  I was one sick mamba jamba.  Took 12 1/2 hours for the best part of the anesthesia to wear off, and I was throwing up most of that.  Terrible headache, but upside, no incision pain at all.  No pain meds, period. 

Another moment to be noted, my neck can get in a twisted mess in a hurry and make me sick too, so my masseuse loaded up his chair and drove to Shawnee and worked my neck out for me.  Such  Good.  People. 

Found out Friday that Gina had been directly exposed to Covid-19, so we all quarantined in our rooms over the weekend.  Due to that fact, Hallie was sent home on Saturday for another week.  We waited until this morning and Gina and Hallie both went to get tested, and their rapid tests came back negative.  PRAISE GOD.  Hallie had the antibody test ran as well, so we will know tomorrow those results. 

So, now she is here to help me navigate the drains coming out my body (Thank the Lord, she loves that kind of stuff, me? Not so much) and hopefully after my one week check in tomorrow, the doctor will see I am doing so great he will let me come in by the end of the week and get rid of these pesky, gross me out, drains.

So, why am I sharing all of this?  Because I know you ALL know someone that has implants.  In the late 80's through now, soooooooo many women think this is something that isn't GOING TO AFFECT Them at ALL and I'm here to tell you....IT IS.

Breast Implant Illness is real and alive and kicking.  I was so relieved to read the symptoms and realize I wasn't going crazy. 

I feel good.  I haven't had pain meds since the hospital scream LOL, I'm controlling with tylenol.  Things I noticed right away was all the neuropathy in my feet and hands that I feel at night is gone.  G O N E.   After my initial neck pain (that my masseuse helped with), even propped up in a horrendous position, my neck pain is decreased.  I expect more things to resolve and I am so thankful that FINALLY a plastic surgeon said These Things are making women sick, and I will take them out of their bodies and not require them to put them back in. 

SO THANKFUL.   It's not all in your head....it's in your chest, and it's making you sick. 

Friends don't let friends get breast implants. 

They just don't. 

 

10 years an angel

I woke up this morning to the realization that it's been 10 years since we lost Laynie to this earth.

It seems like yesterday in some ways, and a lifetime ago in others.

My first grandchild.  My only granddaughter.

Everyone around me is so freaked out about the coronavirus.  The unknown.  The uncertainty.  The scariness of the "not knowing".

Let me introduce you to the one that taught me ALL about all those things.

This living doll wasn't even suppose to survive past birth, much less live through 2 birthdays.  She taught me that life isn't about all the stuff, it's about all the love and faith in God and believing in something bigger than what is right in front of your nose.

If Laynie hadn't taught me that God is in control.....I mean MASSIVE control, that nothing in this world doesn't HAPPEN for a reason, I probably would be freaking out about all our circumstances now too.

However.  As many hours as I spent in prayer over this tiny girl, I finally understood what no church could make me understand.....that my relationship with Jesus Christ would sustain me through it all.  Jesus would be with me Through the pain of watching her stop making red blood cells.  Through the pain of watching my daughter lose her precious baby girl that she had prayed and fought for.  He was with me through the pain of losing Laynie and beside me as I walked through those lonely, sad days.

God is always there.

And without learning it first hand from her journey, I wouldn't be able to sit here and tell you that no matter what ...... you make it through.   It's been 10 years and while I can't say it was all sunshine and roses.....  Our family has thrived.   Lacey has a new marriage and two healthy, ornery boys.  She has taken her masters degree, and instead of banking dollars, she helps countless families learn how to be better parents, and is changing generations at her non profit, Legacy Parenting Center.     I took all my sadness and heartache and poured it into fostering, expanding my family in more ways than I could ever imagine.    Hallie has a foundation that she draws from in every trial of her life.   We are all profoundly different.

And it's because of her life.  The life they wanted us to terminate.  The life we would have missed had we listened to the doctors.

I say that the time we had with Laynie was anointed.  I read the stuff I wrote during her life and I was so in God's pocket I don't even know where those words came from.   I miss those times.  I miss Laynie.  My precious little bald headed, loud mouth baby

Granddaughter, I know I will see you again.  I see your face in your brothers.  I hear your voice in Jack's laughter.  I feel your heart in your mom's hugs.   Thank you for leading me to Jesus.  Thank you for your life and on this 10th year of you getting your angel wings.... I still think of you everyday and tell everyone I meet about you.  And I always will. 

I will see you again, my darling Laynie Hope......

                                                                                Forever and a day....   Your Lolly

Bitterness is an Ugly Pill

I've been so bitter.

Months I have wasted being bitter.

It started as I moved from Pepper's Ranch last July.

I left that place angry and bitter and holding a grudge.

I attended my 40th year class reunion this past July, and I was so wrapped in anger and bitterness and worry and crap factory attitude, I didn't even enjoy the people I love so much in this world, I was so mired in bitterness.

Oh there were moments of wonderfulness wound into the pain, but my heart had hardened and it seemed like I couldn't find goodness in anything.

I find myself so far from God.

Before corona, my family didn't miss a Sunday in church.  Even in the bitterness, God was still working in me, and every Sunday I would leave with a better attitude, and by Monday night, tuesday morning.....here came the bitterness.

Last week, as I was given the opportunity to attend corporate church again, I took myself and sat myself in the chair and listened to Pastor Craig talk about Being Positive.

Sure.

The music filled my heart and the message made me squirm, but this whole week I have wrestled.

Today, I listened to Pastor Trevor speak and I finally put all the pieces together.

I'm tired of being the Devil's pawn.  I'm tired of not speaking my truth.  I'm tired of being bitter.  I want to wash that down the drain, and get back in the bible and find the truth.

I have no idea how people that don't love and seek and desire Jesus are making it through this turmoil that we call life in 2020.   The political unrest, the racial unrest, the health scare, the murder bees, the locust plague threat, the economy uncertainty.

HOW DO WE FACE ALL THIS UNCERTAINTY WITH ANY KIND OF HOPE?

Jesus Christ says, "Come and I will give you rest"

The Bible says:   Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with WHAT YOU HAVE, because God has said,  "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."  Hebrews 13:5-6

I remember growing up and being so fearful of the "end of times".  All the scariness, all the unknown.  I want to dig in Revelations and start really internalizing that, because friends, this all feels like the end times.

And no amount of money, or status is going to give you everlasting life.   That is only going to be through forgiveness and believing in our Lord.

Don't think for a minute that the enemy isn't pursuing your heart.  He isn't going to be scary and show up with horns and a pitchfork, he's going to seek you with all the things your heart desires most.

He right now as I am typing is trying to make me doubt that I should write this.  What does it matter?  Who will it reach?   Your words are insignificant.   He is a master of self-doubt and pursuer of your bitterness and anger.   He's had me right where he wants me for MONTHS. 

NO MORE SATAN.   You have no power here.  You have no power over my children.  I renounce you and your bitterness.   I have the BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST flowing through my veins and I will NOT BE AFRAID.

I will live full out.  I will LOVE without boundaries.   I will be QUICK to love and SLOW to anger.

Today and EVERYDAY, I WILL CHOOSE JESUS. 

Living through Corona

When all the hysteria started in China, I was a bit concerned but nothing out of the ordinary.  I don't listen to a lot of news (because most of it is sensationalized BS) and I know if anything is really serious, I will get a call from my mama and she will inform me immediately.   It's how I roll. 

So last Thursday (March 12) Hallie & I drove out of Shawnee, with the vision of driving her vehicle to NYC, because as a 2nd semester junior, they are allowed to have vehicles at West Point after spring break..... so the plan was me riding shotgun to NYC, and then jumping on a plane and heading  back to OKC.   Easy Breasy.   RIGHT?

We had just barely pulled out of the driveway, when the proverbial S?%! hit the fan.

Road Trip 2020

It was already becoming a thing before we left.  People panic purchasing and wiping out toilet paper everywhere.   I took this picture at Walmart on Wednesday, trying to actually find TOILET PAPER FOR THE WEEK, not 275 years of hoarding toilet paper, and found this one ply scott wanna be at walmart.  20 rolls of it left.   I bought 4.  Unfortunately, with one ply that's about what it takes for just one of my boys to wipe their butts once.  I'm still not sure of 1 ply's purpose.  But I digress.  INSANE.

So, on with the adventure.  We knew corona was a thing, due to the grocery store panic, so our battle plan was to stick to ourselves, stay in the car, use a lot of my homemade hand sanitizer, and just wash our hands every time we got out of the car.  As we got close to our first night's stop (Nashville), Hallie got the email from West Point, cancelling school until 29 March.  (I love talking in military talk, seems so legit when I do it).  Hmm.  Hallie vacillates between elation, and doomsday pretty much in a roller coaster fashion until I am suffering from whiplash of the highest magnitude.  We stop, I make some quick calls to my people that guide me through life, and after thinking it through, I tell her, "We are going to turn around and go home".   We had been thinking we would power on through, and at least get her car there, and have her fly home with me, but as fast as things were changing that day, (And I mean CHANGING SO FAST), we decided best course of action was to turn around and drive home.  And I'm here to tell you driving 10 hours on I-40 east one day and 10 hours on I-40 west the next day, is right up there in the TOP 10 most exciting 2 days of my life. 

I'm super relieved we did that, because as of yesterday, West Point has even lifted the 29 March deadline to return, and conducting virtual learning through the internet web.  (I'm showing my internet savvy here).   Now, remember I have been in this house about 6 months and Hallie hasn't lived with me in 2 moves and 3 years, so what kind of living situation are we in right now?  Suitcases and bunking with mom.  NO bueno.

Discussed the magnitude of her probably being home until who knows when, we ventured out into the covid-19 masses and bought her a bed and set her up her own room upstairs, complete with desk and work area.  She is in heaven.   I made hamburgers for lunch yesterday, and carried her one up to her, during class and handed it to her, and she later told me that "It was the best day of my life".  LOL
Doesn't take much to make her happy. 

Meanwhile these very hilarious memes made my days, the last week.

So the hilarious factor has been on-point during the last week.  I went to work one day, and of course, with everyone being urged to stay at home, NO one is wanting to see me right now, so there is the small panic in my heart of no income.  BUT, I am staying hopeful, and I know who is in control.  The same one that made this INCREDIBLE sunset we were able to see night before last. 

There are so many theories and worries and what-if's.   One of my friends literally had strep throat, and after going to urgent care and finding out (relieved, lol "wasn't the "rona") she only had strep, I've really been listening to the WIDE and varying reports of ALL THE things. 

Here's what I think.  (which I am only Lolly, and an observer at best)  I appreciate the Quarantine.  I understand the quarantine.  WHAT ABOUT THE QUARANTINE are people NOT understanding?  This is the most no nonsense article I read for what is happening and EVERYONE should do it.

I think most of us will get this and never know it.  It mimics allergies/upper respiratory/flu.  We've all survived that.  What I'm most worried about, is the spread.   If we stay home, and don't get around other people (I know THIS IS RIDICULOUSLY hard to do), we can Flatten The Curve.  (another government term).  We have to Flatten the Curve.  I have senior citizens that are so susceptible, I have young grandsons that are so susceptible, I have friends with new babies, friends with special needs children.  We all know someone that this virus could kill.   So please for the love of all that is holy, STAY HOME. 

And DON'T PANIC.  If you feel symptomatic, stay away from your family and self quarantine.  Gargle your throat with warm salt water at the first sign of a sore throat.  This virus HATES heat.  (this is why I personally think Lacey will not get this because she drinks 12.6 gallons of coffee per day, in order to keep up with all the boys in her life).  I on the other hand, drink 12.6 gallons of iced sweet tea per day (with the 'rona will probably LOVE too), and am taking strides to remember to gargle with warm salt water in the morning and in the night.  I haven't been washing my hands as much as I should, since I've been home, but I may even take that up a notch too. 

Remember, you may not even KNOW YOU HAVE IT, and if you GO OUT AND  SPREAD IT (because you only have allergies, yo), and give it to someone's grandma.....  stay home and play games.  I forced myself to play Phase 10 with Hal and the boys last night, and other than Zach almost being taken out with his use of "Skip" cards, it was pretty fun.   Get back to basics.  It's been hard to be cheerful about all of this, with the monsoon rains that happened ON TOP of being quarantined, you couldn't even send kids outside in the back yard.  Now, with the NO SCHOOL thing firmly in place for the near future, we have to go old school.   This is more for me than you, believe me, we have binge watched tv most of the week (and being transparent, not seeing that changing either), but with the advent of warmer, better weather, we are going to go walk at the airport track (away from people), we are going to work in our yard, we are going to clean closets, and take time to go through all the crap in the garage and see what we really have and need. 

Disney & Kennedy Space Center Free Stuff
Authors reading books, pretty neat

SO THERE ARE THINGS TO DO.   I made my kids watch and scared all my kids with the movies, Outbreak and Contagion, so now they are completely content to stay inside.  I probably wouldn't recommend this for everyone, but it worked for me. 

Just think, in 20 years, this will be something they talk about in history classes.  We are making history here, let's embrace what IS, and move forward. 

And remember, most of all, and in all things............God is Good, All the Time. 

Honoring the Mama on her Angel's 12th birthday

Lacey's word for 2020 is "Brave".  I would argue that she is the bravest person I know.

You know when you have your own kids, you always wonder first of all, how in the world are you going to raise these tiny humans, and later, I hope they turn into great adults.

My tiny human, my first born, wasn't given that luxury with her first born.  She was handed a decision so huge for a 23 year old.   She told doctors no when they told her to terminate.  She boldly walked into the unknown, and I watched in magnificent awe as she and Laynie built their story.

My role was head cheerleader, lead historian and comic relief.  I made sure Lacey always knew I had her back and every word out of my mouth was "It will be ok"! (with a little fist pump and high kick).  As historian,  I wrote and recorded EVERY SINGLE thing that happened with our girl, even though sometimes it was hard for Lacey to give me permission to write about everything (the good, the bad and the ugly)  in our lives, I think her allowing me to share the journey impacted thousands of people.  Comic relief speaks for itself.

When Lacey was about 2 years in to college, she came to me and told me she wanted to change her major.  I was floored because my order driven, numbers loving, calculator brain accountant daughter, who had wanted to do something with math for as long as I known her, told me she was changing her major to Child Development.  "I don't know why, mom, but I feel I need to do this"

To say I was stunned by this turn of events might be a small understatement.  I'm pretty sure I used terms like "Glorified Babysitter" and "No money" and "YOU WANT TO DO WHAT" to her, all at the same time and maybe for the course of a few weeks after the big announcement.

HOWEVER, without me knowing it, God already had HIS plan in motion for her.  Lacey was being obedient to HIS calling.

Because in 4 short years, she would be using all the things she had learned and she would be learning, hands on, even more...... every single day.

Lacey was so brave.  She faced unknowns with her girl, and met them head on.  She stayed relentless in her pursuit of keeping Laynie safe and healthy, and because of her talent and expertise, Laynie lived longer (than any doctor expected) ....  and happier ..... and SO VERY LOVED and adored.

Little scamp reached up to kiss her and flat out bit her mama.  

They were best buds.

Lacey was teaching her sign language when she got sick, and she had little cards to show Laynie pictures of mama, milk, juice, dada, bath.... all the things.  After Laynie had passed, and I thought I had done an OK job of putting things away, just to help ease some of that pain..... .. Lacey didn't feel like she could be called a mom anymore.  (man this is hard to type, because those were hard days, aching for my daughter who was the best mom in the world, with her baby in heaven) and I kept telling her, "You will always be a mom...you are her mom".   and in her doubting pain, on Mother's day the year after Laynie died,  she was moving some towels in the bathroom, or was moving books, I can't remember exactly, but she found the sign language card for "mama", and Lacey said, "It was like God sent me a sign".   

People share with me, their struggles and their pain, and their worries and I have to tell you that sometimes life's not easy, it's SO flippin' HARD and the decisions and the choices and the fear of loss can consume you, but God promises us He is by our side and will never leave us.  The key is... Being Brave and meeting it head on, because you know GOD has your back...even in the ashes, He is There. 

But this blog for Laynie on her birthday, is more about her Mama and what she has done with her life since the gift of Laynie.   I want you to see how God's hand is ALL up in it.....  

Lacey worked for Children's Hospital Foundation (children's miracle network in oklahoma) for several years after Laynie died.  She learned invaluable tools about non-profit.  She also got her master's during this time.   She learned all things non-profit and grant writing and fundraising, and what that looked like.  Loved her job, loved her people, loved sharing Laynie with all her clients and families.  It got her through the loss of her marriage, the loss of her baby, a move to a new place.... CMN was vital as breathing to her during those days.   God carried her through, and she bravely moved on.   It was through CMN she met Tyler Lacey's blog about Tyler (if you want to revisit that incredible story)

When she ended up marrying Tyler and moving back to Shawnee, it became clear driving back and forth to the other side of Oklahoma City wasn't in the cards, so she started the hunt in Shawnee, and there wasn't much in the job department,  she ended up working at the DA's office.  She learned about the court system, and how to spell subpoena and also how to write one.  She learned all about the system and how it worked.  Many days she wondered why God had led her there.  

The job at Legacy was one she had considered when she first moved to Shawnee, but it didn't work out and now, looking back, God even had his hand in that.  She needed to work in that DA office, to have the experience of the court system, and see how all that works, because with that in her tool belt, she was ready to go and take that knowledge, so when families came in and they were wherever in the legal system of getting kids, or fighting to get kids back, Lacey knows how to help them.  Without that "why in the world am I here" time down at the courthouse, Lacey wouldn't have had the skills to make Legacy Parenting Center into the incredible place it is today.

It's crazy how God works.  He puts you in places and situations you don't really understand, to build you up and put you in places you won't believe you GET to be in. 

Legacy's website

And on Laynie's birthday, I think this is the perfect time to ASK if any of you have time to volunteer.  Lacey has a plethora of different opportunities at Legacy, where you can be as hands on as sitting in, loving on and mentoring families, or as quick and easy as running by and picking up donations, taking them to your house to wash and fold.  And she ALWAYS, ALWAYS needs volunteers.   You may think you are busy and don't have time to give an hour or two a week, (THAT'S IT!)  but I am here to tell you, when you start doing things for others, outside of all of "YOUR own STUFF", that's when life gets really good.  And there isn't anything more important than helping empower families to become strong families in our community.  Legacy has an adorable "store" where families can "shop" with the points they earn taking their lessons. If you like retail, volunteer there!   They give out diapers, and more diapers and even more diapers. Not a people person??  Count out diapers and shrink wrap them into packs for families.  I'm telling you, this place... It's just amazing.  And did I mention she ALWAYS needs volunteers?  And your kid's gently used clothing, and toys.  Don't think there isn't a place for you.  There is ALWAYS someways to help....  If you are retired, work part-time, have time on your hands and wish you had a way to give back..... Hello, did you know Lacey needs volunteers at Legacy?  Have I mentioned that?? 

So when Lacey says her word for 2020 is "Brave" ......  watch OUT!  

Because God taught her all about being brave ..... In the form of a tiny miracle....

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  

Happy birthday, Layniebug !  So thankful for your miraculous life

and all the beautiful things you taught us.  

And look at me, still being your mama's biggest cheerleader !

Love you Forever and two days....

and miss you as much, 

your Lolly

Remembering an Angel- Year One

When Laynie was born, I actually was in the delivery room with Lacey because the doctor was pretty certain Laynie wouldn't live but a few minutes, and I really wanted to be there to see her and have those few stolen minutes with her.

I remember hearing her cry and seeing the most tiny of tiny baby, with her little backwards, tucked under her butt, feet.  Her little head was just a bit bigger than a Cutie orange and her little bitty body, just everything so small.

But the LOVE that overwhelmed my heart, nothing small about that.  The NICU was on a different floor than Lacey's, so I got in my steps those few days at Children's .... running up and down the stairs, because the elevator was too slow.

This looks really intimidating, but it really isn't when you know what you're looking at..... the cannula, giving her oxygen (which she really didn't even need) was too big for her tiny nose, so they had to use that black eye patch thing (with velcro) to hold it on.  She had a little tube in her mouth and down her throat to get any of the fluid in her lungs and tummy out....and you can see she is just a tiny bit bigger than my hand.   They said she weighed 4 lbs 2 oz, but in reality it was more like 3 lbs and change.   37 weeks.

Once they removed all the stuff, we got a look at our little angel sent from heaven.  You have to remember, also, they were telling us that she could die at any minute and gave us zero hope.  "kidneys are small, and will go into failure"   Blah.   Blah.    Blah..

Lacey looks at these pictures now and laments, "You let me walk around the hospital in those pajamas?" and I think she looks amazing, considering she had just had a C-section and was up and around in a few hours.  (again, my hero)

I am going to share some of my most favorite pictures of those first days.  We took a bunch, because we honestly didn't think we would have her very long.

Hallie's little pigtails and her nose to nose contact with her sweet little niece...so much to love here.

This was the first of 2 million kisses I gave this baby.  2 million plus 2 million.  I could never get enough of her.  She liked it.

I need you to understand how extremely tiny she was.  Finding clothes for her was just enormously challenging.  There was a store in Northpark Mall that had micropreemie clothes.  That tiny little pink outfit cost like $38.  I know that might not seem like a lot to you, but preemie clothes at Walmart started at $3.88.   They swallowed her!  Thank goodness her grams sewed and stitched up her preemie clothes and gave our girl her own altered clothes!  Plus we discovered Bitty Baby doll clothes (from American Girl) fit her, too (and that's a pretty penny also)  I didn't care.  She was totally worth every penny.

Grammie helped Hallie buy this ridiculous giant balloon that had legs and looked like it could walk and if you bumped it, it obnoxiously sang "YOU GOT THE CUTEST LITTLE BABY FACE" and it was funny and loud, and exactly what we needed, as we kept getting bad news and worst case scenarios.   We found ourselves leaving the hospital, having to leave our princess behind, and for the heartsick mama, loading up all our stuff and taking that balloon on the cart with all our things, it seemed like everytime we started to tear up and cry, thinking about leaving our baby there, that stupid balloon would AUTOMATICALLY start singing.   Without prompting.   Just "YOU GOT THE CUTEST LITTLE BABY FACE" and we would bust out laughing.   And I'm serious,  ALL.  The.  WAY.  HOME....that balloon would just randomly sing.    It got us through.

The next day, the doctors decided that they couldn't do anything more for her there and they sent her home with us on hospice.  I have never in my LIFE been more nervous about anything in my life.  The had to pad the carseat with washrags around Laynie, to bulk her up, to fit in the straps, and off we went, with the tiniest baby in the world, not knowing what the next 10 minutes would bring, with the final command,  "If you have her in two weeks, take her to the pediatrician".

Two weeks later, after we had already "fired" hospice, the pediatrician holds her with one hand and turns her every which way and declares, "Little Miss, you are going to write your own story",  and he was oh.  so.   right.

The little baby that wasn't suppose to be born.   Go home.   Live two weeks.  Live a month.  Live six months. 

Defied all the odds.

Never had the words of a song had so much meaning for me.  I finally understood what it meant by God watching even the tiniest sparrow.   I knew that His presence was in our home, surrounding that baby, every second of every single day.  He was there.  

About this time, one of the most significant miracles happened on this journey.  The house right next door went up for sale  (the neighbor knocking on my door to tell me he was going to repair the fence, because he was going to list it next week, and me asking if he would knock some $ off, if he didn't list it and I did all the paperwork (I was a realtor at the time) and he knocked $20k off the top and three weeks later I had new neighbors!!!) GOD IN ACTION.

 

Her most favorite place (and mine too) was tucking up and hanging out in my warm robe, right up next to me.

Guys, I've never felt softer skin, heard sweeter sounds, witnessed such pure spirit, as I experienced with this little girl.   Truly an angel sent from heaven to teach us all.

As year one came roaring up on us.....we were truly learning the definition of BELIEVE.....

'to have a firm or wholehearted religious conviction or persuasion : to regard the existence of God as a fact'

Why should I feel discouraged??

Why do the shadows come??

Why should my heart feel lonely?

And long for heaven and home?

When Jesus is my portion, a constant friend is he..

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches over me.  

His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.  

I sing, because I'm happy.....
And I sing, because I'm free.....

His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.