WOW. Did church hit me right in the gut again today.
I spent a whole bunch of years staring in the rear view mirror, despairing over my mistakes. I told someone the other day, that I spent more time beating myself up over them, that I spent years thinking I was unworthy of God's grace.
Dumb.
God loves me. God loves you.
He is working on me right now. Pretty hard, intense and powerful.
I've been resistant to what He is putting before me.
SO RESISTANT.
But, my word for 2019 is OBEDIENCE.
ACK, why did I choose that one? Because God is calling me to be obedient in his calling.
I struggle with obedience. I speed everywhere like my hair is on fire. I do pretty much what I want, when I want. But in 2019, I'm going to slow down and really be obedient.
I will clue everyone in the plans in a few weeks, as all the walls fall down.
Nothing about this life is easy, but walking in God's will has become the road I'm taking. And boy, is He is a serious joker. :O
This song undid me this morning. Usually I get caught up in the billion word, and the rocks crying out in silence and I focus on that, but today, I heard it different. If you gave your life to give me life, Lord, then I'm here. Let me shine your love through my actions in 2019.
Give me strength and health to do your will, Lord.
November has come and gone, and I didn't take five minutes during the month to sit down and write about any of it.
Basically because I didn't have five minutes together at any one time.
But I'm not complaining.
Kip and Dawson were here for five glorious days and mercy, I just love that little boy and his mama. I sure missed Brandon though. It was weird not having him here. There is so much to write about in November. Brandon's parents and younger brother and sister in law, lost their homes in a fire in California. It was tragic and sudden and left everyone in a state of shock. I'm continuing to pray for them daily and the community as a whole. What a devastating turn.
Life at the 81-81 has settled into a groove. Other than arguing in the front room over Lord knows what, and missing the bus, life is pretty "normal", "average", "insane" on the whole.
And this blog came to me on Thanksgiving morning, as I grabbed the two bags of sweet potatoes that I purchased for the big meal of the year, and I was peeling them.
It simmered and cooked as I peeled (the blog that is) and I was like, "Whoa, I need to go write this down", and of course, started peeling russets 5 minutes later and promptly forgot.
10 days later I am volunteering at the Crescent food bank, and out of ALL the things one can do when one volunteers, I am put on.....you guessed it.....weeding through the sweet potatoes.
I'm all.... "Ok, God. I hear you." So fast foward yet ANOTHER WEEK.....finally, here I am.
I'm all about the sweet potatoes. I have loved them forever, and they are a big deal at the Thanksgiving meal.
So, I opened the bag of supposed yummy goodness and to my utter dismay, they were just AWFUL looking. Hard, thick peel and lumpy, bumpy little roundness of CRAP. All I could think as I surveyed these ridiculous excuse for sweet potatoes was, "Oh NO--- there goes all the chances for my favorite part of the meal!" I ripped the other bag open, and again! Hardened, rough, misshapen little balls of crap.
OH MY AMERICA.
So, I grab my peeler, say a little prayer and start the process of peeling. The first potato gave me a run for my money, had to scrape quite a bit of layers to get to the sweet potato, but after a few good scrapes, boom.....sweet potato magic.
I kept peeling all these potatoes and no matter HOW ROUGH or HOW I thought I needed to toss them in the trash, the resounding truth rang out to me..... "They are all the same in the middle"
And WHOA.
All these kids. They come to us so layered in pain. Remembering Gina, how buried the Gina we all know and love now, was at the beginning of our journey together. Watching her come into her own at a PRIVATE SCHOOL, and nominated for homecoming queen by her peers. WHAT? Remember that horrible, broken kid that almost tested me to my limits those early days? How buried was her sweet potato inside?
And lately, watching Tyler's older brother Ted, chase his demons. The Ted I know is a gentle giant. The Ted I know held Deaton so carefully in his giant hands, and kissed the tiny face. The Ted I know wept when his nephew was born. The first to get a picture from his brother. The Ted I know, gave his life to Christ in the symbol of baptism a few short months ago.
But Ted has layers and layers and layers and layers of self doubt, shame, despair, never believing he is worthy of goodness and grace. Years and years of that pain. I understand that pain to a degree. I made mistakes in my past that robbed me of my self worth. Many mistakes. I went to church and sat in the pew, but I didn't feel worthy of God's love. He wouldn't love me, He couldn't forgive me of the pain I had caused others. And the more I let that sink into my believing, the farther away from God I became.
Satan is a liar. He feeds on your fears. He takes what you hold the most sacred and twists it into the horror of his own choosing. AND ONLY WITH GOD, can we take Satan's power away.
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THE LIES. Self doubt, pain, self loathing, that is the enemy robbing you of the life God wants for you.
Just like those sweet potatoes, we are willing to THROW IT AWAY, instead of peeling the layers -- by praying... by attending church.... by getting GODLY FRIENDS.....by believing that we ARE worthy of God's goodness and grace.
THERE IS NOTHING. No amount of ugly sweet potato peeling, layers of guilt, layers of shame, layers of self doubt, self loathing that can KEEP US FROM GOD.
He LONGS for us. He is up there, just waiting for us to call out to him. To reach for him. To surrender to Him. And he doesn't see the layers, he only sees the sweetness inside. And when you give that to Him, He will come in with the butter and brown sugar, and all the wonderful marshmallows on top, and start you fresh.
It doesn't matter about the outside. He only cares about what's on the inside.
Don't ask him where he is.......Ask Him to Come in.
And to my friend, Teddy Bear Holt, you big giant sweet ball of goodness, lost in shame right now...this is for you.
I know what's inside and I don't even see the layers. You are never too deep in to swim to the surface. Just know God has the light on, and He's waiting for you. Satan knows what a story you are going to share with so many people and change their lives. You're a threat to Satan. Don't give in to his lies. Your family and friends believe in you.
Don't throw away a sweet potato because it looks iffy. Peel the layers and enjoy the goodness.
