Life at the Eight One Eight One

It's been a while since I've written.

I've been a bit overwhelmed.

I'm going to rant first.  Then Praise.  Because, well, I can.  It's my blog

And my LIFE COACH (i suggest everyone get one) tells me I should "Self-care."

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHgaspBAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
BAHAHgaspBAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(wiping eyes)  So, I've decided that writing is my self-care.  (and my love of cookies in my room)

Newbie #2, if you recall is female, 7 yrs old going on 12 and full of sass and fire like no other, has really taken a turn and become one of my favs.  She is hilarious, and just enough sass to appreciate now.  She suffers zero fools and will tell anyone like it is.  I do have to tell her to take it down a notch when she feels slighted but WHOA, that girl.   She watched bio mom beat every one up in her path her whole life, so I'm guessing that would color relationships a bit for her.  She is learning and I am learning, and we are settling into a routine.  She is much more content now that newbie #1 (her brother) is gone, and seriously, this kid rolls me. 

She does visits every other week with sibs and mom.  Last visit, Gina had tried a new hairstyle on her, and I have to tell you, it wasn't our best work.  Our mornings around here rival a stampede, and that morning, we failed her on her hair.  She left semi ok, but when I went to pick her up from mom at the visit, she had managed to give herself a full out fro on one side, and the other side was still arranged the way we had worked it that morning. 

In other words, kid looked like a hot mess. 

And in addition, she had put on something other than I had laid out for her to wear, and in the rapid fire of assault that is our mornings at the Eight One, Eight one (my new name for our house), she slipped out dressed in mismatched clothes, her high heels shoes and a hot mess hair do.

Her last home she lived in took immaculate care of her,  made sure she had the perfect hair, the perfect clothes, the right "look".  I mean, kid has CLOTHES FOR DAYS!  And for this particular day, she dragged out clothes I had NEVER EVEN SEEN and picked those to wear.  And buzzed by me so fast for the bus, I didn't see that little stink for her final approval before hitting the door.

So, fast forward to me going to pick her up at visit.

I'm sitting here typing, deep breathing because my heart is palpitating so much.  Lamaze breathing, people.

My little sassafrass is sitting on her mom's lap, with her hair looking like Girls gone wild, wearing clothes, I didn't even know she had, and where she dug them out of , it's still a mystery to me, just laying such a line of "Poor me" to her, it still makes me sizzle. 

In these visits, the bio and sibs stay in one room, and you and the case worker stay in the adjoining room with a one way mirror so you can watch the goings on.   It's really awesome.  (Can you hear the sarcasm?)

So imagine my delight when I got a load of her.  Just imagine.  I turned around in horror to her caseworker and said,  "What the absolute HELL?" and he, I'm not kidding, rolled on the ground laughing at me. 

He told me, "I figured you didn't know she looked like that"...  I just shook my head, with my mouth hanging open.

THEN, mom asks case worker to speak with him away from the kids.  And of course I can hear everything and she tells him she is NOT happy with Sassafrass's care. 

OH REALLY??????

I walked in the room, and everyone (especially Sassafrass) went silent.  I walked up to her and said, "So you picked your own outfit today?" and "What did you do to your hair?" as I pulled the ponytail holders out of it, and pushed it to a bun on top of her little sassafrass head.   "I am figuring out how to do her hair" was all I managed to say to mom, when inside of my head......

I wanted to say,  "Well I'm not happy with your inability to GET YOURSELF TO YOUR CLASSES for the LAST TWO YEARS"

but WWJD  ???

So we left the premises and I didn't even bring it back up, except to tell her that I expected her to wear the clothes and ONLY THE CLOTHES that we AGREE ON and we lay out the night before. 

Bro. 

I'm tired. 

HOWEVER. 

I got Kid #6 (newbie #5, if we are keeping count) and she is a 13 yr old female, taken from a hoard.  Sewer backed up in the home, food sent home with her from school on Fridays to keep them fed until Monday.  That kind of bad situation.  Came with zero clothes. 

Imagine, if you will, her wide eyed wonder of the Eight One, Eight One.  (remembering Gina's "I can't live in this mansion" her first day at Norman home).    Multiply Gina's overwhelmedness by a million.  Humbling, heart breaking. I know I still look around in wonder at my new home, so I.  can't.  even.  imagine. 

This kid.  I got her clothes from the closet at the ranch,and a quick trip to TJ Maxx, and you would have thought I had taken her to Neiman Marcus and bought her designer.   New shoes, a bra (imagine that) and girl clothes.  She's lived with grandpa most of her life and has zero female influence.

Gina took her over and now it's a different story.  Plucked eyebrows (ouch), clean hair, fixed in a stylish little messy bun and her "designer" clothes. 

God is good.  I don't expect to keep Kid #6 very long, grandpa is doing all he can to clean up the place, but she has already expressed that she would like to "Stay" and "live here". 

Slap my face and call me shirley.

It's hard, friends.  This fostering life.  It's brilliant, and humbling, and  sometimes, HORRIFYINGLY EMBARRASSING and amazing and life swallowing and did I say, brilliant?? 

God calls us to be more than ourselves.  He calls us to be missionaries on a battlefield. 

My battlefield is here, and I WILL win this war at the eight one eight one. 

For He is Good. 

 

Faithful

Just because I've been quiet doesn't mean it's been smooth sailing.

Not

At 

All

Newbie #1 had to go to another home this week because behaviors escalated to the point, that it was far beyond my pay grade.  

I breathed a big sigh of relief because 1) Zach was starting to act out  2) Steven was going into depression and 3) I can't spend 12 hours of my day talking this kid off the ledge when there are 5 more that need me just as intensely. BUT then the minute everyone went to bed, sadness and guilt seeped in and I went into my bathroom and had a big old bawl fest.

I feel like I let him down. Yet  I feel relief.   I feel anxious because will he be cared for?  I feel helpless because I didn't know how to even begin to help him or get through to him.

I used my contacts and connections and found him a program that might help hiim, and as of today, I hear he is getting an intake next week.  I have offered to drive him EVERY DANG DAY to school because HE NEEDS help.

Lacey helped me through my anguish of feeling inadequate by reminding me how many SKILLS I developed over the course of the month he was here.  New tools in my tool belt.   God stretching me beyond my wildest dreams on patience and understanding and needs and development.

S  T  R  E  T  C H  I  N   G   G   G   G  G  G   G    GGG   

And how I know I am being obedient, my cash coffers were getting low toward the end of the month, and I will be ding dong darned, if 5 minutes after I had inventoried my fridge and pantry, making our lunch and dinner menu... my friend Jill Self Perry drives up in my driveway with GROCERIES FOR DAYYYYYSSSSSSS.   I mean.   And Thin Mints.  For me.  In my closet.  Secret Stash.  Amen.  

"God told me to do it".    (cue crying into kleenex here)

God is forever faithful.

FOREVER FAITHFUL.

When you don't think you can take one more step because of the burdens you are carrying, you lean into HIM and let HIM carry you.

He can CHUCK NORRIS carry you through all of it.  I mean.   yeah.

With Kip and baby getting ready to take full stage in about 2-3 weeks, I'm going to try and hold off on getting kid #6 in here.   I wish beyond reason that Newbie #1 could get some behavior help and come back.   I like having siblings together, even if they FIGHT EVERY SECOND ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY.  Sibs belong together.  

So we will see what God has in store.  It's always interesting.  Newbie #3 has a 9 month old brother (she's 10) and I told caseworker that he could come over and have overnights if his foster family ever felt comfortable about it.  

Now don't go thinking I am going to lose my mind and get a baby, because NO that's not going to happen, but I'm in the business of health and healing, and if snuggling with your baby brother one whole night puts this little girl to rest(that has stolen my heart OUT OF MY BODY)and help her find her happy smile, then I will put aside my sleeping need for one night every month or so, and let the good times roll.

It's just sleep.  What's that all about.

And in other EXCITING NEWS.   

I

SOLD

My

HOUSE!

and to a FRIEND!  She will tell you it's just one step short of amazing, but I will tell you it is ALL GOD AND that I have a FRIEND next door to my mom, and any worrying I ever had going on is GONE.  And my friend is ridiculously OVER THE MOON about ADULTING and buying her first home, and it's just a WOW EE MAN  awesome good feeling.

April 13, Friday the 13th this year is going to be a very very good day.

Guys.

God is faithful,  He is present.   And He Is Good.  Even when we are Sad.  

All the time.

Reckless Love

I have so much I want to write on here, I'm a bit overwhelmed.

What has transpired this week, in me, in the kids, and overall, is just short of a God given miracle.

I'm just going to back up and start at the beginning of the week.

I was defeated.

I was tired.

Satan was having a field day.

I had a counselor appt with my Newbie #1 (8 yo male).  I'm not going to lie.  That appointment was all for me.

I'm a hammer.  I've always been a hammer.  I've raised children without a 2nd parent.  No good cop, no bad cop.   So I have all the roles to be.  So the most effective parenting skill for me was being a hammer.  It worked.  I raised pretty awesome kids.

However, I find myself in a new season.

New kids, new triggers, new problems.

What I was doing wasn't working.  At.  All.

AND Satan was Clapping his hands in GLEE.

So, sitting in the doc's office.  Defeated.  Saying, "Help me fix this little mess kid.  I'm just over my head and he's about to get kicked out of school, and he stays in trouble 23.5 hours of the 24 hr day".

He looked me square in the eyes, and said,  "Have you focused on the .5 hour of the day, what he is doing right?  Ever?"

B U S T E D

No, that's not how I parent.  He asked me why I foster, and what is my goal?   (then ironically, my son in law asked me the same thing yesterday, but I digress)....  To help kids.  I feel it is a calling.  I feel God has brought me to this season for a reason, and I'm trying to be the face of God to these kids.

He re-wired my hard wired way of thinking into finding the positive in EVERY THING THEY DO.  I'm not going to lie or say I'm perfect, but our house changed that first evening.  (Yes, I carried the sheet of affirming statements around with me, so I could cheat, but whatever works, we are trying)

Satan isn't happy.   Since things were changing at home, he followed newbie to school and kept him stirred up there.   After a conversation with teacher, things are changing.  Friday was for the most part, principal office free. 

We focus on the positive.  We give no energy to the negative.  If you screw up, you do your time out, no energy from mom is given to that....it's not personal, it's business.   "I care about your well-being, and setting the porch on fire, doesn't work in this house, so it's 5 minutes time out". 

These kids have been so verbally, physically abused their whole life, my hammer didn't even phase them. 

Love phases them.

We have been singing a song in church the last little bit, and it resonated with me, to my very soul.

God NEVER EVER leaves us.  In our greatest and most trying times, HE IS THERE, asking us to trust HIM and love Him.   TRUST.   Trust   TRUST.

We think that if we ask God for something, that we will get what we ask for exactly the way we ask.

God takes our pleas, the heart felt prayers that we fervently pray over our lives and finds a way to refine us, to work our hearts to HIS good.

That's where so many people get so off track.  "If I ask God for it, He doesn't Listen!"   Oh, friends..  He listens. 

I've been praying for patience and God's love of people to flood me for years (since Laynie) and LOOK what He has done to give me the answer to my prayers!   He gives me the most challenging and heart stretching trials.

I'm such a work in progress.

Lacey told me about a netflix show yesterday and I watched it this morning (since my body is already preparing me for the SPRING FORWARD debacle that happens next week) since I was awake at 5 am.

Spend the next 75 minutes watching this powerful, life changing video.Get on Netflix.    Friends, God LONGS for you.  There is nothing He won't do for you.   You may have walked away from Him, but He is sitting there WAITING and LONGING for you.

Let Him find you.   Take up your violin and play with your Father, who loves you beyond any reason. 

There is nothing, NOTHING, that can keep God from Loving you.

Just open the door and let Him in.

Be free.